Limerance | Ep. 521
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In this episode, I sit down with Brandy Wyant to talk about limerence, an experience that involves becoming obsessively focused on someone who is unavailable or inaccessible in some way. We explore how limerence differs from a typical crush or romantic attraction, and why uncertainty about another person’s feelings can keep the obsession going. We also discuss the similarities between limerence and OCD, including rumination, reassurance seeking, compulsive checking, and the overwhelming desire for certainty. While the thought patterns can look similar, limerence often focuses on gaining closeness, connection, or validation rather than preventing a feared outcome.
We also talk about why limerence can feel both comforting and distressing. Fantasizing about someone, checking their social media, or replaying interactions can provide temporary pleasure or relief, but these behaviors can also reinforce the obsession and interfere with everyday life. Brandy shares how she approaches treatment using strategies drawn from exposure and response prevention (ERP), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). We discuss practical ways to recognize compulsive urges, reduce checking and rumination, tolerate uncertainty, and make choices that align with your values rather than feeding the obsessive cycle.
Most importantly, we explore the role of shame, self-compassion, and meaningful connection in recovery. Experiencing limerence doesn’t necessarily mean someone wants to leave their relationship or pursue an affair. Sometimes the obsession is connected to deeper needs for validation, belonging, or emotional connection. Recovery isn’t always about eliminating thoughts of another person or cutting off all contact. It’s about changing your relationship with those thoughts, reducing behaviors that keep you stuck, and building a life filled with authentic, reciprocal connections.
