Everything You Need to Know If Your Partner Has Relationship OCD (ROCD) | Ep. 502
In this episode, I’m sharing a practical toolkit for partners of people with relationship OCD (ROCD), so you can support your loved one’s recovery while also protecting your own emotional well-being.
In This Episode, I’ll Help You Learn:
- Why ROCD isn’t necessarily a reflection of you or the strength of your relationship, even when the intrusive thoughts feel deeply personal.
- How to recognize reassurance, accommodation, and other responses that may accidentally feed the OCD cycle.
- What you can say instead of offering reassurance, while still being loving, compassionate, and supportive.
- How to set healthy boundaries and manage your own difficult emotions when OCD begins affecting the relationship.
- Why self-compassion matters for both partners, especially when ROCD activates your own fears or insecurities.
- How to shift from feeling like you’re fighting each other to remembering that you and your partner can be a team against OCD.
If Your Partner Has Relationship OCD: A Toolkit for Supporting Them Without Losing Yourself
If your partner has relationship OCD (ROCD), you may find yourself in a really difficult position.
You love this person. You want to support them. You want to help them feel safe and understood. But at the same time, their OCD may be centered around you, your relationship, their feelings for you, their attraction to you, or even things that happened before the two of you met.
That can hurt.
In this episode, I sat down with Alex, a therapist in my practice who works extensively with relationship OCD, to create something specifically for the partners of people with ROCD. We wanted partners to have their own set of resources, skills, and strategies because the way you respond to OCD can affect both your own well-being and your partner’s recovery.
So, we’re creating a toolkit.
Here are five skills I want you to practice if someone you love is struggling with relationship OCD.
Content
Tool #1: Make the Big Reframe
This may be one of the most important things I can tell you:
It’s not about you.
I know that can be incredibly difficult to believe when the OCD is specifically focused on you.
Your partner may say things like:
“What if I don’t really love you?”
“What if you’re not the one?”
“What if I’m not attracted enough to you?”
If you’re fully committed to the relationship, hearing these things can be deeply painful.
But intrusive thoughts are not necessarily an accurate reflection of your worth, your attractiveness, your connection, or the quality of your relationship. Your partner is struggling with OCD, and OCD tends to attack the things people care deeply about.
The goal is to begin separating your partner from their OCD.
Instead of:
My partner + OCD vs. me
I want you to think:
My partner + me vs. OCD
I talk about this idea in my own family as being “Team Quinlan.” Whatever problem we’re facing, I try to remember that the people in the family aren’t the problem. We’re a team facing the problem together.
You can bring that same mentality into relationship OCD.
What About Retroactive Jealousy?
This reframe also matters when OCD focuses on things that actually happened.
With retroactive jealousy, your partner may become fixated on your previous relationships, experiences, or choices. Because these are real events rather than hypothetical ones, you may feel an especially strong urge to explain yourself.
You might say:
“But that relationship didn’t mean anything.”
“I love you more.”
“Here’s exactly what happened…”
It feels reasonable because you’re talking about real events.
But if your partner is repeatedly seeking certainty or relief, giving more information can reinforce the same OCD cycle.
The content may be different, but the skill remains the same: we don’t have to treat every obsession as a problem that needs to be solved.
Tool #2: Reduce Accommodation
This one can feel counterintuitive.
When someone we love is distressed, our instinct is usually to make them feel better.
But with OCD, some of the things that provide immediate relief can make the cycle stronger over time.
We call this accommodation.
Accommodation can include repeatedly reassuring your partner, providing unnecessary details about your past, changing your behavior to prevent them from being triggered, avoiding certain places or situations, or even changing your appearance because something about it has become part of their OCD.
A helpful question to ask yourself is:
“Am I doing this right now primarily to reduce my partner’s anxiety?”
If the answer is yes, pause.
You may be accommodating OCD.
Why Reassurance Isn’t as Helpful as It Feels
This is one of the hardest parts for partners to understand because reassurance does work.
At least temporarily.
Your partner asks a question. You give them the answer they’re hoping for. Their anxiety drops.
So why wouldn’t you keep doing it?
Because each time reassurance becomes the strategy for dealing with an intrusive thought, we may unintentionally reinforce the idea that the thought was important enough to investigate in the first place.
The relief doesn’t last, so OCD comes back asking again.
The long-term goal is not immediate relief. We want to help your partner learn that they can experience uncertainty and discomfort without having to solve it.
Sometimes supporting recovery means allowing temporary discomfort in service of long-term change.
Tool #3: Practice Self-Compassion
I have such a soft spot for the partners of people with relationship OCD.
This can be really hard.
You may find yourself wondering:
What am I doing wrong?
Did I cause this?
Am I not attractive enough?
Should I have said something differently?
If I hadn’t done that thing in my past, would we be okay?
Self-criticism can create the illusion that if you can just figure out what you did wrong, you can control what happens next.
But you cannot perfectly control your partner’s OCD.
Self-compassion can begin with something very simple:
“This is really hard. I wish this weren’t happening. I don’t have to handle it perfectly.”
You are not going to say the perfect thing every time.
You may accidentally reassure your partner.
You may become frustrated.
You may take something personally.
You are human.
Your partner’s recovery does not depend on you executing every response perfectly.
Your Own Insecurities May Get Activated Too
I shared something personal in this conversation with Alex.
I wasn’t a particularly secure person when I met my husband. If he had struggled with relationship OCD, I think it would have set my anxious attachment on fire.
I probably would have questioned everything about myself.
If you already have insecurities around being lovable, attractive, worthy, or “enough,” hearing your partner question the relationship can hit those vulnerabilities incredibly hard.
That’s another reason your own self-compassion matters so much.
You aren’t only learning how to respond to your partner’s OCD.
You’re also learning how to care for yourself when OCD touches your own tender places.
Compassion Goes Both Ways
I also want us to have compassion for the person with OCD.
From the outside, some ROCD behaviors can look incredibly hurtful.
Friends or family members who don’t understand OCD may hear what is happening and immediately think your partner is being cruel or that you should leave.
But your partner may also be in tremendous pain.
That doesn’t mean hurtful behavior gets a free pass. It means we can hold two things at once:
Their struggle is real, and your pain is real too.
We can have compassion without abandoning boundaries.
Tool #4: Learn to Manage Your Own Emotions
This may be lifelong work for all of us.
If your partner has relationship OCD, you may experience uncertainty, anger, sadness, shame, guilt, fear, jealousy, or insecurity.
Part of your work is learning how to experience those emotions without requiring your partner to immediately make them go away.
Your partner is responsible for learning to regulate their emotions.
You are responsible for learning to regulate yours.
This is also why I strongly encourage partners to consider having their own therapist or support system. Your partner’s therapist may sometimes include you in treatment and provide education, but having your own space can be incredibly valuable.
You Are Allowed to Take a Break
If both of you are highly activated, that probably isn’t the best time to solve a relationship problem.
You have permission to say:
“I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I need to take a break, and we can come back to this when we’re calmer.”
That’s not abandonment.
That’s emotional regulation.
If both people are at a 10 out of 10 emotionally, continuing the conversation can easily turn into more compulsions, reassurance, defensiveness, anger, or hurt.
Sometimes the healthiest response is to pause.
Learn how to have big emotions without immediately reacting to them.
Make that part of your curriculum.
What If My Partner Suddenly Becomes Distant?
One question we hear from partners is why someone with ROCD can seem loving and connected one day and distant the next.
That inconsistency can feel incredibly personal.
But OCD is exhausting.
Your partner may be doing well for days or weeks, and then one sticky intrusive thought appears and suddenly they’re caught in a spiral.
When that happens, there may not be much emotional energy left over.
Instead of immediately assuming the distance means something about you or the relationship, practice caring for yourself and allowing some space.
I had to learn a version of this early in my own marriage. When my husband needed alone time, my mind could catastrophize about what that meant. I had to learn how to ride that wave rather than immediately responding to the anxiety.
The skill becomes:
“What can I do to care for myself while this wave passes?”
Tool #5: Get Additional Help
You do not have to figure this out by yourself.
Your partner may benefit from evidence-based OCD treatment, including exposure and response prevention (ERP).
You may benefit from your own therapist.
And the two of you may benefit from couples therapy.
Going to couples therapy does not automatically mean your relationship is failing.
In fact, asking for help can be an incredibly vulnerable way of showing up for your relationship. Therapy can give you a safe place to discuss difficult topics, learn healthier communication patterns, and understand how OCD is affecting both people.
Most importantly, remember:
You are their partner. You are not their therapist.
Your job isn’t to cure their OCD.
Your job is to respond in ways that support recovery while continuing to care for your own needs.
How to Set Boundaries Around OCD
Boundaries are an essential part of this process.
You might worry:
“If I stop reassuring them, am I neglecting their needs?”
No.
A healthy boundary isn’t about withdrawing love.
It’s about withdrawing participation in the OCD cycle.
A boundary might sound like:
“I love you, but I’m not going to answer that question again.”
Or:
“I’m happy to sit with you while you’re anxious, but I’m not going to help OCD solve this.”
Or:
“I think we’re both getting overwhelmed. I’m going to take a short break, and we can come back when we’re calmer.”
You can be loving and boundaried at the same time.
What Can I Say Instead of Reassurance?
This is where you and your partner can get creative.
Some couples develop a keyword that signals, “Hey, I think OCD has entered the conversation.”
If humor works in your relationship, you can even give OCD a silly name.
The point isn’t to mock your partner’s distress. It’s to help both of you recognize OCD as something separate from the relationship.
You can also validate the emotion without answering the obsession:
“I can see how anxious you’re feeling.”
“I know this is really hard.”
“I know you’re capable of tolerating this uncertainty.”
“I’m here with you while you’re uncomfortable.”
One of my favorite strategies is to discuss this before the next OCD spiral.
Ask your partner:
“When you come to me for reassurance, what could I say that would feel supportive without feeding your OCD?”
Let them participate in creating the plan.
That collaboration can make a huge difference.
How Do I Know If We’re Having an OCD Conversation?
Sometimes partners worry that they’ll start labeling every relationship conversation as OCD.
That’s not the goal.
Normal relationship problems still deserve communication.
But if you’re wondering whether you’re caught in an OCD conversation, ask yourself:
- Have we already discussed this?
- Does my answer help only temporarily?
- Is the same question returning in slightly different forms?
- Does this feel urgent?
- Am I being asked to remove uncertainty?
- Am I answering primarily because I want my partner’s anxiety to go away?
Urgency, repetition, and a strong demand for certainty can all be clues that OCD has entered the conversation.
You can also ask your partner directly and kindly:
“Do you think we’re talking about a relationship issue right now, or do you think OCD might be pulling us into a loop?”
The goal isn’t judgment.
It’s awareness.
And whatever you’re discussing, kindness still matters. If emotions become too intense, pause and come back later rather than yelling, insulting, labeling, or saying things you can’t take back.
What If My Partner Refuses Treatment?
This is painful, but it’s important to understand:
You cannot force another person to recover.
OCD treatment asks people to confront things they desperately want to avoid. That work is hard, and ultimately your partner has to choose it.
You can encourage treatment.
You can offer support.
You can learn about OCD.
But you cannot do recovery for them.
If they refuse help, return to what is in your control: your own boundaries, your emotional well-being, your choices, and the kind of relationship you are willing to participate in.
“If They Really Loved Me, Wouldn’t These Thoughts Go Away?”
This is such a painful belief.
We have a cultural idea that when you’ve found the “right” person, love should feel certain, effortless, and full of rainbows and butterflies.
Real relationships don’t work that way.
And OCD definitely doesn’t work that way.
Trying to use the presence or absence of intrusive thoughts as proof of love can become its own trap.
Sometimes the answer is simply:
“I don’t know with absolute certainty, and I don’t have to solve that right now.”
Learning to make room for uncertainty is part of the work for both partners.
You Don’t Have to Lose Yourself While Supporting Someone With ROCD
If I could hold the shoulders of every partner listening to this conversation, I would want you to know how important it is to take care of yourself too.
Practice self-compassion.
Remember what you value about yourself.
Remember what you value about your relationship.
Set healthy boundaries.
Learn how to tolerate your own uncertainty.
Stop making yourself responsible for curing your partner’s OCD.
Your role isn’t to fix everything.
Your role is to respond as consistently as you can in ways that don’t feed OCD, while still protecting and nurturing your own well-being.
Relationship OCD Does Not Mean Your Relationship Is Doomed
I know many people with relationship OCD who have gone on to have successful, meaningful relationships.
ROCD doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is wrong.
It doesn’t mean OCD will inevitably destroy your relationship.
OCD is treatable.
And having a loving partner who is willing to learn about the condition, establish healthy boundaries, reduce accommodation, and support recovery can make this process so much better.
So if you’re the partner who came here looking for answers, I hope this toolkit gives you somewhere to begin.
Remember the big reframe:
You and your partner are on the same team.
You don’t have to fight each other.
You can learn how to face OCD together.
Transcription: Everything You Need to Know If Your Partner Has Relationship OCD (ROCD)
Kimberley: Today we are going to talk about everything you need to know if your partner has relationship OCD. This is actually part two of an episode we recently did with Alex Diemer , who is somebody who works in my practice and I adore, and we wanted to now make an episode just for the partners. So often in our practice, we are treating the person with relationship OCD, but on the other side of that relationship is someone who’s also struggling, wants to do their best, wants to be a loving partner, but is also really in a lot of pain because the relationship OCD overflows onto them.
So welcome, Alex. This is such a valuable conversation.
Alex: Thank you so much for having me back. I love having these conversations with you and helping other people in the process, so I’m super excited to jump in.
Kimberley: Yeah. Yeah, I feel like the partner of people with relationship OCD need their own little track of resources and skills and strategies to use, so that’s what we’re here to do.
Alex: Absolutely. There’s so many resources for people with OCD, right? And I feel like it’s just as important for partners, family members to have those same resources to really know how to help
Kimberley: Yes. Well, and that’s interesting. We’ll hit that right on the head, is if the partner doesn’t have the right resources, it can really slow down the treatment of the person- Yes
with relationship OCD and impact their relationship.
Alex: Absolutely.
Kimberley: Yeah.
Alex: Yes.
Kimberley: Okay. We have created a little toolkit, um, between the two of us to sort of really start off with giving you a specific set of skills and tools that you will wanna practice if you are the partner of someone with relationship OCD.
Now, this is true for all people with OCD and partners of people with OCD, but we wanted to make this specifically for relationship OCD. Why is it so important that we speak directly to the folks with relationship OCD?
Alex: Yes, very important because relationship OCD is literally centered on your partner, right?
And so while it is important with every theme that family members are educated, with this one in particular, it f- can feel incredibly personal to the partner, right? And we wanna make sure that the partner has all the resources they have in order to not kind of bring their own discomfort and frustration into that, and exacerbate the issue.
Way easier said than done, but that’s why we’re here, to get into it.
Kimberley: Great. Okay. So we have five tools in the toolkit. Um, do we… And the first one is the big reframe. So let’s start with that. Like, so number one, we need to have a big reframe. What is the big reframe?
Alex: Yes. The big reframe, plain and simple, is just it is not about, uh, speaking to the partner, it is not about you.
It is not you that they are talking to as much as it’s the OCD, right? So whenever they’re frustrated about something, as easy as it feels to take it personally, it’s really about the OCD, and OCD attacks the things that we care about most, so if that’s helpful for you to think about it in that way, right?
They’re not coming at you. They just don’t know how to kind of get the certainty that they need without bringing you into it.
Kimberley: Yeah. So let’s give some examples of that. So I, I’ll give a couple that I often see. If let’s say someone has relationship OCD, and they’re saying, “I’m not s- sure that I love this person.
I’m not sure they’re the one,” now- Yeah … we understand that as a part of their OCD, but that might really hurt-
Alex: Yeah …
Kimberley: for the, for the loved one- Right … because you might be all in. Let’s say you’re the partner. You’re like, “I’m all in.” Like, and we have, we get along great. We’re doing great. Everything’s good. But then you have these waves where you don’t, you tell me you’re having anxiety, you don’t know if this is the one.
And that might hurt and feel like it’s very personal. And I think what you’re saying is it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s personal.
Alex: Yes, exactly. And of course, like anybody hearing that would take it personally, right? I think even as an OCD therapist, if I heard that, I would still have a hard time not taking it personally, right?
And I understand all of this. So it’s this, the reminder that I want to make sure everyone has is that your partner’s intrusive thoughts aren’t an accurate reflection of you as a person, as your value, as your, you know, uh, accurate reflection of your connection, right? Of your worth, of your physical, emotional attractiveness, all the things, right?
It is an intrusive thought at the end of the day, right? So if we can work on separating those, that is where we will see progress.
Kimberley: Yeah. Now we also talk a lot in supervision, us and the team, about retroactive jealousy, which is often that the person with OCD or retroactive jealousy is upset or struggling with something that the partner has done in a previous relationship.
Would you still apply this big reframe to that as well?
Alex: Yeah, absolutely. That one can be really tricky because partners or the, the person struggling with retroactive jealousy is focusing on usually real events, right, that have happened in the past. And so it can be really tempting to engage with them and say, “No, I love you,” you know, reassure, you know, “That didn’t mean anything to me.”
But all that’s doing is reinforcing the cycle, where you’re going to treat it as if it’s the same thing. Like those obsessions about past partners, past situations or events, those are just as much intrusive thoughts, right, as what if I’m not attracted or what if I don’t love my partner. It just feels less, like, obvious to treat them that way because we’re talking about real events, and that’s where people can get really stuck.
Kimberley: Yeah. And I think the main thing here to, to the partner, let’s just get … Like hold you by the shoulders and say like, “This is hard. This is hard to navigate.” The … What we’re trying to do with this big reframe is to really just help you to be able to step back and to practice the skill of not personalizing what OCD is bringing to the table.
‘Cause w- in relationship OCD, we want, instead of it being the person with relationship and OCD against you and everybody, it wants to be you and your partner against OCD together, in a joint, like we are not giving… Just like for the person who has OCD, we’re gonna practice not treating thoughts like facts.
We’re gonna treat, practice not engaging in them and trying to solve them, and that goes for the partner as well.
Alex: Exactly, yes.
Kimberley: Yeah.
Alex: Okay. Yes, it is you two against the OCD. I love that. It’s such a … I wanna e- emphasize that because it’s so- Yeah … important to remember.
Kimberley: Yeah. In fact, sometimes when a partner, and we encourage this, is if somebody has OCD, we encourage the partners to come in so we can educate- Yes
them. And sometimes if there is, and sometimes there is a lot of conflict because of how much pain OCD is causing, I always sort of think it’s interesting when I sit in my therapist chair and one partner sits there and another partner sits on the other side of the room, and I’m always like, “No, no, no.
Wait, you guys are gonna sit over there because I want you to get the imagery that you guys are the team and it’s against the OCD.” Absolutely. Or it, it’s you guys are a team. It’s sort of like football. There, there’s one team and the other team, and who wins? Yeah. So I want you guys to even like sit next to each other and attack this like you’re the team.
Um, one thing I do in my family, and you guys don’t need to do this, but above our front entry indo- inside, we had a wood plaque made that says Team Quinlan, right? And we do that, I’ve always done that because I always have to remind myself, whatever’s happening in this family, it’s our team versus the problem.
It’s not that we’re gonna make one person in the family be the problem, and I, I love that. It’s helpful for me to sort of- Yeah … have the sign above just to remember that. So again, the team is you and the partner, not your partner and OCD.
Alex: Yes, 100%.
Kimberley: Okay. Toolkit number two is to reduce accommodation. Do you wanna explain to folks what accommodation means- Yes
and why it’s so important?
Alex: Yes. So accommodation means essentially when your partner is engaging in compulsions to get relief or, um, you know, get away from uncertainty, right? You are then encouraging that on accident, right? So common accommodations, repeated reassurance, right? Like, that’s the biggest, one of the biggest ones when we’re talking about these, you know, relationship OCD, retroactive jealousy.
You know, “I love you. No,” you know, whatever you need to say to reassure them. That is the most common. Mm-hmm. And if you don’t know that that’s what you’re doing, it’s very easy to do it because that feels like the most natural thing to do to try to help reduce their anxiety. So essentially, it’s anything that is encouraging them to continue to seek out reassurance, seek out ways to get away from the discomfort, all of that.
You know, another common one, sharing unnecessary details. You know, giving them too much information to try and confess to make it go away, right? Withholding parts of your past. Anything that, just kind of pausing and thinking, “Am I doing this right now to reduce my partner’s anxiety?” Yes. That’s likely an accommodation.
Kimberley: Yeah, and it can be so subtle too.
Alex: So subtle,
Kimberley: yeah. I’ve had clients who, the partner of somebody with relationship OCD who will say, “You know, one day he was spiraling and he kind of just, like, let go, let out that, you know, my nose bothers him.” I mean, this is a, someone who, they don’t want… They’re not a jud- people with OCD aren’t o- they sometimes can be, we all can be a judgemental, but they’re not trying to hurt their partner.
They’re just struggling. And so then the partner starts to consider, like, “Should I get a nose job? Like, maybe I’ll hide my nose. Maybe I’ll go get makeup to sort of hide certain aspects of my nose, or my hair, or my butt, or whatever.” Doing, like… And so they start to then accommodate by changing their own behaviors or the way they look.
Changing their behaviors. So, oh, my partner gets triggered when I go to the beach, you know? So I’m gonna not go to the beach. Right. Right? We wanna, we wanna identify that as a, as an accommodation compulsion, and you might feel like you’re doing it out of love for your partner to not trigger them. I know we don’t want to, our partners to be in pain, but in this case, it actually is making the OCD worse.
Alex: Yes, absolutely. Anything, you know, I’m so glad you brought all those examples up, ’cause those are big ones too that are so subtle, right? Where it’s like anything you’re doing that’s altering your behavior to help them avoid discomfort or avoid triggers, that is a very clear accommodation and only feeds the cycle and makes these thoughts feel Like they mean something, right?
Or they’re important.
Kimberley: Yep. Agreed. Excellent. All right, number three is self-compassion and compassion for the person with OCD.
Alex: Yes. And this one, I think, is something that I tell all my clients, like, we all need to work on this. Yeah. Every human being on the planet, right? I think we can be our biggest critics, and with OCD, there is almost always a large piece that involves self-criticism, right?
And that only makes it so much harder. And for the partner as well, it can become easy to criticize yourself. Like, “What am I doing wrong? Oh, maybe I shouldn’t have done this,” right? “If I wasn’t with this person in the past, then none of this would be happening,” right? And all those things, you’re just criticizing yourself and attempting to establish control over something that you have no control over, right?
Yeah. And you can’t change. So self-compassion is actually pretty simple at its core, right? Sometimes it’s just acknowledging, like, “This is really hard. This sucks. I wish this wasn’t happening, but it is, and I know that we can both sit in this discomfort together.” Yeah. “We’re in this together.” Yeah. “And I’m not always for the partner,” right?
“I am not always going to say the perfect thing. That’s okay. I am not capable of solving or fixing this OCD, and my partner’s, you know, progress and their healing isn’t dependent on me doing everything perfectly.”
Kimberley: Yeah.
Alex: Right? And yeah.
Kimberley: I have such a s- a soft spot for the partners of people with relationship OCD.
E- and I’ll share with you a, and a vulnerability that I have, is I wasn’t a particularly secure person when I met my husband. If he was someone who had relationship OCD, that would’ve set my, like, anxious attachment on fire. Yeah. Like, I would’ve questioned everything about myself. I would’ve thought it meant- Oh my God, yeah
something about me. I would’ve, like, yes, this is a fact. I’m al- ’cause I would’ve come into the relationship already believing, like, I’m not really that lovable. Mm-hmm. I’m not that special. You know, why would anyone really choose me over the every million people? Like, so-
Alex: Yeah …
Kimberley: if you’re coming into the relationship and your partner has relationship OCD and you have these insecurities already, it’s going to make it hard, and it, that’s gonna- Yeah
make it so that you have to practice self-compassion even more- Yeah … than a nor- you know, a relationship where OCD is not involved.
Alex: Oh my God, 100%. And I don’t, I, um, maybe there is, I have not met anybody that has gone into any relationship 100% secure- Mm … themselves. Yeah. Right? We are human beings. Something like this, oh my gosh, yeah, I would feel the exact same way as you, Kimberly.
Yeah. Like, I’m, feel blessed that I didn’t have to deal with it. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And just being so honest. So we say those things to say, like, we feel you, we know the struggle because we- Yeah … work with clients day in and day out that deal with these things. Yeah. And so we know how painful it can be to be on the other side of it.
Yeah.
Kimberley: Yeah. The other thing I’ll say in regards to p- to, um, self-compassion for the partner is it- when the partner has relationship OCD, it’s really easy to be like, “This guy’s a jerk,” or, “This girl’s a jerk.” Yes. Or you’re telling your friends, like, “My partner, we were getting along. All of a sudden he says he’s not so sure, and he’s freaking out.”
And your instinct would be like, “What? Who? Who is this person?” Like- Mm-hmm … what a jerk. But we have to have compassion for them, ’cause they’re struggling, too, right? This is- Oh
Alex: my gosh, yeah …
Kimberley: so painful for both parties.
Alex: Yeah, absolutely. And again, when you have no information about what is actually happening, right, as somebody with OCD, it may- those may be the only tools you have, right, to express what’s going on, and to, to ask for help.
And unfortunately, yes, it’s being done in not super healthy ways. But the majority of the time, the, the clients with OCD do not mean any harm. They just don’t know any other way to express it, right?
Kimberley: Yep, and manage it. Absolutely. And it’s… Yeah, absolutely. All right, number four: learn how to manage your emotions, such as uncertainty, shame, guilt, or anger.
Let’s talk about that.
Alex: I mean, this one is something that I think is a lifelong practice, right? Yeah. Managing our own emotions, it can be incredibly difficult. I know that as a therapist, right, I even have a long way. I’ll be doing that forever, right? Yeah. But I think- What’s, what’s an important reminder that we wanna make sure partners have is that you also are responsible for your own regulation.
And we strongly encourage, as we’ve said, anybody that’s dealing with this on the other side to find a therapist on your own. Not your partner’s therapist, like it can be helpful to join those sessions sometimes, but also to have your own individual outlet is super important because we need to learn those regulation tools so that when our partner is struggling, we’re not putting it on them to make us feel better and, and we’re able to sit in our own discomfort and manage our own uncertainty.
And also, if you are having a difficult time where things are heightened and you’re both very dysregulated and trying to work through something, this is your permission right now, and actually your, like, a request to step away, right? Your
Kimberley: assigned homework.
Alex: Yes, exactly. Your assigned homework. Like, please, it’s okay to say, “You know what?
I don’t have the tools to help you right now. I’m feeling a little dysregulated,” whatever it may be. “Let me take a break. Let’s revisit this,” right? That is more than okay, and we prefer that because there’s no way you’re gonna make any progress when you’re both at a 10, right? Yeah. We have to regulate ourselves before we can work through some of these really difficult concepts.
Kimberley: Man, like why… I was just telling you before the recording, like here I am on a Saturday afternoon learning, uh- … Roman mythology with my daughter. Like, what is happening? But yet we don’t teach to kids how to feel your feelings. Yeah.
Alex: Yeah.
Kimberley: It’s such a life skill, right? Like it’s- Yes … so important, and it sucks because we don’t, we weren’t taught how to manage our emotion.
And so I think what we’re really talking about here is make it your curriculum- Mm-hmm … to learn how to have big emotions. Yeah. Shame, guilt, uncertainty, you know, anger- Yeah … sadness, like whatever they might be. And, and I think- Your work as the partner is being able to regulate your emotions so that you can healthfully navigate when your partner’s struggling.
That’s like the b- instead of accommodating, uh, managing your own emotions is the best way to respond.
Alex: Absolutely, 100%. And, and acknowledging that. Like, I think sometimes it can feel really validating for the partner with OCD too, for, to hear their partner say like, “Yeah, I’m in pain too. I’m struggling. This really sucks.
I see you’re in pain,” right? Yeah. To actually normalize all the difficult emotions that come with this, because you’re right, Kimberly, right, we, a lot of us were not taught how to help healthfully express those emotions, and we were taught like, ooh, emotions are bad or push them down. Yeah. Right? And I think, you know, over time we’re making progress with that, but it’s still something that is, unfortunately feels taboo to, to be honest about your emotions.
And so we encourage you to, you know, nurture those and talk about those and express those.
Kimberley: Yeah. And so the last point before we go into rapid fire on as many questions as we can get through, ’cause there’s so many questions that we have, um, what the last skill that we have here is it’s okay to get additional help.
Yes. And I would say that is, it’s okay for you as the partner to get your own therapy. It’s also okay for you both to have couples therapy while your partner goes through exposure and response prevention treatment with a specialist. As somebody who’s done a lot of couples therapy, going to a couples therapist does not mean your relationship is falling apart.
I think it’s like- so helpful. Like, it’s literally taught me so much, um, and given a safe place for us to talk about really, really hard things. So the last point is to get help. Do you have any additional feedback- Yes … you wanna add?
Alex: I have a couple things. One last reminder, but I also wanna just say something to your point about couples therapy, because with the couples that I have seen as a therapist, this always comes up of this, like, taboo, “Oh, are, uh, is it bad that we’re in therapy?
Does this mean this is, like, the last straw? We’re doomed,” or, “If, if we were meant to be, if we were the right couple, we wouldn’t have to go to therapy.” And I think that is just total BS. I think it shows how much you care about the relationship that you are choosing to show up in that way, because it is the most vulnerable thing you can do as a couple, right?
So many things come up, and I think no matter how strong the relationship is, I think literally every single couple can benefit from that.
Kimberley: Yeah.
Alex: You know? So try to, like, lose that shame about it, right? It, it, there’s nothing wrong with it, and it’s, it can only help. That is one of the things I wanted to say.
And then just lastly, a reminder, all the things that Kimberly said, yes, don’t be afraid to get your own help. But your job ultimately, right, isn’t to cure the OCD, as we’ve said. It is just to- Mm … consistently respond to your partner in ways that will support their recovery, but while also making sure that you’re supporting yourself and your own needs, right?
You shouldn’t have to neglect your own needs just because your partner is dealing with this, right? Yeah. So striking that balance.
Kimberley: Yeah. And you’re good to bring that up, ’cause I do think sometimes the partner becomes the therapist, too. As a therapist, and I’m sure you’re the same, it’s not really that healthy to be- No
the therapist for your partner, whether you are a licensed therapist or not. So, like- Right … feeling like you have to do all the therapy work, get your own help so that you can set appropriate boundaries, um, so that you’re not taking on sort of that role of caretaker. I mean, yeah, we do have to caretake our partners sometimes, but it c- can build a lot of resent if that’s what you feel like you’re doing.
You’re pulling- Yes … more weight than is necessary. So yes.
Alex: Yes.
Kimberley: Okay. Yeah. Let’s rapid-fire some questions. We have a lot, so we’ll see how much we can get s- done. Okay. So, um, someone said, “Why can they f- um, seem loving one day and then they’re distant the next? How might I handle that?”
Now, as you know, I have a private practice. I have six amazing therapists in Calabasas, California. However, we do not take insurance. Now, if you are looking for insurance-covered OCD or BFRB treatment, I wanna let you know about NOCD. NOCD provides face-to-face live video sessions with specialized licensed OCD therapists.
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I am honored to partner with NOCD. I want to remind you that recovery is possible. Please do not forget that. Now, big hugs, and let’s get back to the show
Alex: That one is so hard because it is very common, right? And that inconsistency can feel so painful, and it can feel hard not to think that it’s about you, right?
Or that you did something wrong, speaking to the partner. Um, when OCD becomes activated, right, or when there are triggers or we’re stuck in a spiral, it’s very exhausting, right? And when, especially for someone that hasn’t really gone through treatment, even someone in treatment, it’s very exhausting to sift through that and try to manage it and respond in the ways that you are supposed to respond.
And so there isn’t a whole lot left for the partner in those moments, and that is not personal, right? It is just how it goes. And so OCD is such a beast in that way because you can have like a week, two weeks where you’re just, the partner’s doing great, and there aren’t really any triggers that come up.
And then there may not even be a trigger, but one intrusive thought start- decides to hit, and it’s an extra sticky one, and your partner gets stuck in that, and they become withdrawn because they’re exhausted trying to deal with it. So I would just work to, again, manage your own emotions and give them the space that they need and remind them that you’re there without accommodating, but, you know, “Hey, I know this is really hard.
I’m here for you. We got this. I know you’re capable of sitting in, in this uncertainty. I’m here to sit in it with you.”
Kimberley: Yes. Yes. So true. This one is so hard for me. I remember early in my marriage, like my husband would have like, he just needs a lot of alone time, and I would be like, “This is not-” Yeah … good.
This is re- I would be ca- catastrophic. Like- Right … this is the begi- like this is bad. We’re in big trouble. Like, and I would get really anxious. And so I remember even a couples therapist being like, “You need to be able to ride the wave when he needs some space.”
Alex: Yeah.
Kimberley: Or if like in this case, if the person’s hot, hots, hot and cold and being like, “Okay, I’m gonna take care of myself now.”
Yeah.
Alex: Yeah.
Kimberley: Instead of engaging in all of these anxious behaviors, I’m going, “What can I do to soothe myself while we’re in this peak and valley of, of the relationship?” So I think that’s- Exactly … relying on the skill of learning how to tolerate your own emotion and, and take care of yourself.
Alex: Yes. And alone time is healthy.
There is nothing wrong with that. And people- Right … everyone’s different in how much they need to recharge, right? And so that is… it’s very much not personal- Yeah … especially when you’re dealing with this.
Kimberley: Right. The next question is
Alex: Yes. This one is valid, right? Because it, depending on the obsession, it can feel very hurtful what- Mm-hmm
your partner is saying to you. Mm-hmm. And most of the time, if OCD is what we are truly dealing with here, no, like, they are not intentionally hurting you, right? I think this goes back to what I was saying earlier. They’re trying to get certainty, to get relief, and this is the way their brain is choosing to go about that because they haven’t developed healthier skills to do so, right?
So in the process you are getting hurt, which we don’t want to happen, right? But it may happen and that’s okay. A reminder, if you are being actively hurt by your partner, you don’t need to just sit there and take it. You can take the time for yourself, too, and it’s not your job to then make them feel better and fix that for them.
Kimberley: Yeah. That actually perfectly goes into, like, how can we set boundaries? Let’s say the partner is confessing and asking for reassurance. It can feel really difficult to- Yeah … set a boundary with your partner.
Alex: Totally. It can feel so hard, and it can feel like, you know, I’ve had people ask me, like, “Well, am I, like, neglecting their needs,” you know, if I’m setting a boundary, and that’s, it’s actually the opposite.
You’re doing the opposite, right? But it can be hard not to feel guilty. But remember, healthy boundaries always support recovery, right? You’re not neglecting your partner or your love for them. You’re neglecting the OCD, which is what we wanna starve it, right? So you know, for example, like, a healthy boundary can sound like, “I’m not gonna answer this question again,” right?
“I love you, but we’re talking to your OCD right now, so I’m going to remove myself,” right? “I’m happy to sit here with you while the anxiety passes, but that’s all I’m going to do.” Just reminding your partner, like, “Okay, who are we talking to here? Is it you? Is it the OCD? And again, I’m gonna take a short break and I’m gonna come back when we’re calmer.”
Like, that’s a super healthy boundary. So also managing your own guilt about that, though, uh, reminding yourself, like, you aren’t neglecting them. This is actually what is necessary for both of you in recovery.
Kimberley: Yeah. And the relationship. It’s healthy to set boundaries. It’s healthy to stop engaging in their compulsions, so yes, you’re doing the right thing.
Um, you already answered this, but I wanna see if you have any other answers. What should I say instead of offering reassurance? So I love, you said like, “I love you, but that’s OCD.” Like, I also have clients sometimes will s- just say, you know, “We’re not gonna let OCD interfere in our relationship. It’s Team Quinlan or Team Deemer,” or whatever it might be.
Like, no. Um, or sometimes family members agree on like a, a keyword, right? Like, a keyword you can use that is a sign that you’re maybe are doing a compulsion, and so you’re gonna use a keyword
Alex: Yeah, so, you know, some- I actually love the keyword and I think, you know, for people that appreciate incorporating humor into treatment and find it helpful. I think sometimes those, like labeling it as something completely separate of you in a funny way. Like, “Ooh, I think Fred might be here right
Kimberley: now” you know?
Like, “
Alex: Let’s just let him do his thing.” Yeah. Or like, how whatever is, you can like bring an inside joke of yours into it. Yes. Right?
Kimberley: Yes.
Alex: Try to, like as much as this is the opposite of fun, if we learn how to have fun with it-
Kimberley: Yep …
Alex: takes away the power and helps us diffuse. So, you know, if that is, is your style, I love that route.
You know, I love the route of like validating, like, “I know this feels really hard.” Mm. Like, “I’m really sorry, that I know you don’t wanna be dealing with this, but I know you, and I know that you’re strong and you’re capable of handling this discomfort and riding that wave.” I think it’s okay to remind them like, “Hey, this passes.”
Kimberley: Yeah. “
Alex: We’ve been here before.”
Kimberley: Yeah. “
Alex: This difficult emotion has passed, and I’m gonna remind you, you’re capable of tolerating that,” right? Yeah. You know, “I can see how anxious you’re feeling.” I think I kind of said that already. Like, “I see the anxiety. I’m here to sit with you and hold your hand while you’re anxious.”
But it’s also about finding what works for you, too- Mm … in terms of responses, and it can be kind of a creative thing in a, in a way. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And figuring out, you know, what resonates with you, and you will learn as you go, too. Again, this brings me back to the important reminder of the day. You are never gonna have the perfect thing to say all the time.
Yes. Right? And that’s not your job. It is okay if you accidentally reassure a little bit once, right? Like, we’re not going for perfection. We’re just trying- Right … to get closer and closer to our goal every day, you know? Yeah. So perfection- Yeah … is not a thing.
Kimberley: I like what you kind of said there at the end, ’cause I think every relationship is different.
What works for my relationship mightn’t work for yours and other- Yeah … people’s. I also love the answer to this question, which is ask your partner what you, they want you to say when they’re coming for reassurance. Yeah. So you could go to your partner and say, “Listen, I’m making a commitment to not engaging in OCD.
I don’t want OCD to grow into this relationship. If you came to me with a reassurance-seeking question or a confession or something, what would be a safe thing for me to say to you- Mm-hmm … that would be helpful?” Mm-hmm. And then the partner gets to choose the language- Yeah … and that might be really healing for them, to feel like they’re a part of and they’re not being like parented or disciplined by, you know?
I think that collaboration is key.
Alex: Absolutely. Yes.
Kimberley: Okay, next question. My partner has retroactive jealousy. How do I handle this?
Alex: Yeah. I think, you know, I’m trying to think of what else to add that we haven’t already, but again, how can I handle this, right? Like, such a broad question. I, specifically with retroactive jealousy, like that- Sort of subset of ROCD.
It can be incredibly painful for both parties, right? All of it can. But I really would recommend, if you can, right, to make sure that you have your own outlets and your own support too, and that you have somebody that’s informed on the topic to help you figure out how to manage your own discomfort and your own emotions that come up with this, ’cause it’s really, really hard.
I would just, again, like resisting the urge to, to repeatedly kind of explain and justify and, you know, overshare your past, you know, indiscretion or whatever it is. It can be small things. Like, sometimes it’s confusing, like, why is this even relevant to my partner, you know? And your partner doesn’t know the answer.
It’s just what OCD is choosing to obsess over, right? So really working on resisting the urge to do the thing that feels like the most intuitive thing in the moment, which is to like answer the questions and overshare to try and reassure. You’re really just trying to do the opposite and get back to, you know, what you guys enjoy doing as a couple, and like remembering that you can still go out and do something that you love doing together while still being uncomfortable, right?
We don’t have to let the discomfort keep us from living our lives.
Kimberley: Yeah. And you are key, is find a clinician who understands retroactive jealousy, because I’ve had clients where the partner of the person with retroactive jealousy goes to a therapist, and the therapist, unbeknownst to them, and I’m sure their intentions were good, were like, “This is wrong.
This is like a bad, bad, bad situation. You need to leave.” Now, of course, if your partner of any type is being abusive, saying unkind things, like, yes, absolutely, like that, that is a hard line. There should be no abuse in a family, and if that’s the case, d- doesn’t matter what diagnosis they have, you need to make sure you’re safe.
But the person with retroactive jealousy, it’s not that their personality, they’re not a jerk. I mean, we can all be jerks sometimes. I don’t wanna make it out as if this is all black and white. But be- make sure that your clinician that you are seeking help with understands the condition.
Alex: Yes, exactly.
Kimberley: Yeah.
Yep. Okay, great. Let’s see. How do I know when we’re stuck in an OCD conversation?
Alex: Yes. So there’s some questions that you can kind of ask yourself, I think, when… I think actually, number one, if you’re wondering if you’re stuck in an OCD conversation, it, it, the chances are you probably are, right? Right. Right.
I think trust that you actually know more than you feel in- Yeah … these moments, that it probably, you, you know what it, it looks like, right? Yeah. But I would say, you know, have we talked about this before? Does my answer seem to help only temporarily? I think a big one is am I, you know, doing something to try and help my partner’s anxiety or get rid of their discomfort, right?
We want to encourage the things that create discomfort, right? Because that’s how we learn that we can tolerate the discomfort, and then our thoughts lose their power. So, oop, I don’t know. I’m not gonna answer that, right? It’s okay to bring on a little bit of discomfort. Like, that’s, as much as we don’t wanna feel that, we have to be willing to feel that because that’s how we move.
Kimberley: Yes, and you hit the nail on the head. Compulsions can be detected if it’s they’re needing something, their uncertainty to be taken away, that it’s urgent or repetitive or all three. And I think it’s okay to ask your partner, because I do also know the partner with OCD gets upset ’cause they’re like, “My partner says everything’s my OCD,” right?
Even if I’m trying to discuss with you a normal relationship struggle. So it’s, it’s okay to have a dialogue of like- “Is this OCD or not? Let’s have a convo about it.” If that feels judgmental, please know I’m not judging you. I’m just trying to tread very cl- well here. Um, so I think again, it’s ongoing conversations that is kind.
Let me stress here, though. The conversations should be kind and respectful. We shouldn’t be raising our voices. We shouldn’t be using labeling words like jerk and bad and horrible. Like, we shouldn’t be using swear words. Like, these are more basic communication rules that will save your relationship. So if you’re really, really intense, take a moment, step away, like you said.
Like, these are more basic rules, but they do help with relationship OCD, ’cause emotions can run high.
Alex: Majorly, yes. Absolutely.
Kimberley: Okay. So let’s really bang through a couple of last few questions. So what if my partner, the one with OCD, refuses treatment?
Alex: That is tricky. Again, that can be very painful and that you can feel very, like helpless in those moments, right?
I think you cannot force someone to recover. It has to come from them. And that is really hard because they may not always want to or see that for themselves or see that they need to or are willing to be uncomfortable. Like, this work is really hard. We do get, you know, a lot of people don’t wanna do it, right?
I don’t blame them. It’s not fun. You’re forced to confront the things that scare you the most, right? Emphasis on we cannot create, we can’t force someone to do that, right? It’s okay, you know, for you to obviously encourage as much as you can from a place of, of love. But ultimately, if it’s not getting there, like it’s okay for you to also say, “I don’t know what else to do.
I don’t know how else to help,” and do whatever you need to do for yourself to protect your own, you know, peace. And if that means stepping away, I, you know, I don’t know. But I just say all of that to say you can’t drive yourself crazy trying to get somebody else to go into treatment.
Kimberley: And then all you can do is, again, go back to the boundaries, right?
So-
Alex: Yes …
Kimberley: learn to set your own boundaries. Absolutely.
Alex: Yeah.
Kimberley: If my partner really loved me, this is a question, they wouldn’t have these thoughts.
Alex: Yeah. So this is, you know- Very, very common misconception, and I know that we often are tempted to buy into, like, this idea of what love should look like, and that it’s rainbows and butterflies, and, oh, it must not be the right person because if it was, then you wouldn’t- this wouldn’t exist, right?
And that is just, again, a bunch of BS. And, you know, I think also that thought can be a mental compulsion for both sides, right? Of like trying to get… Your brain is trying to get you to engage and, and prove it wrong. And so as hard as it is, if you have that question come up, it’s like, “I guess we don’t know right now,” and that’s okay, you know?
But I will also say that that is a common myth, you know- Yeah … in general.
Kimberley: Yes, absolutely. Okay, last question, and this one really brings it in, is, but reassurance does help- Mm … so why should I stop?
Alex: Yes. So obviously we see the reason people seek reassurance is because it often gives relief in the moment, but that relief is temporary, and every time we give reassurance, the partner gets the temporary relief, but you are, on accident, reinforcing that that thought is worth investigating, and that thought is dangerous, and so we need an answer, right?
And so every time you do that, you’re feeding this OCD or whatever you want to call it. You know, you’re feeding Fred, right? Going back to Fred. So we wanna starve him, and by- we starve him by not doing that, right? And so yes, technically it works in the moment, but what is the real goal here, right? We want the goal to be choosing temporary discomfort to be able to have long-lasting results and impact.
