The Anxiety Trick That’s Derailing Your Recovery with Drew Linsalata | Ep. 490
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In this episode, I sit down with Drew Linsalata to explore the “Exception Clause,” the sneaky anxiety trick that convinces us our fears are the one exception to everything we’ve learned about recovery.
- Why anxiety keeps telling you, “But this situation is different,” and why that message feels so convincing.
- How the Exception Clause can secretly stall your recovery, even when you know exactly what to do.
- The surprising reason anxiety targets the things you care about most, including your health, children, relationships, and future.
- How to spot when anxiety is disguising itself as logic, intuition, responsibility, or even your values.
- Practical ways to separate feelings from facts and stop treating uncertainty like an emergency.
- The mindset shift that helped me understand the true cost of listening to anxiety and how courage, not certainty, moves recovery forward.
Content
The Anxiety Trick That Keeps You Stuck in Recovery: Understanding the Exception Clause
If you’ve been working on your anxiety recovery for a while, you probably know a lot about anxiety.
You’ve read the books. You’ve listened to the podcasts. You’ve watched the videos. You understand that intrusive thoughts are not facts. You know that reassurance-seeking keeps anxiety alive. You know that compulsions strengthen fear.
And yet, despite knowing all of this, there are moments when you find yourself pulled right back into the cycle.
Why?
Because anxiety has a very clever trick.
It convinces you that this time is different.
Today, I want to talk about what my friend Drew Linsalata calls the “Exception Clause” and why understanding this concept can be a game changer in your recovery.
What Is the Exception Clause?
The exception clause is anxiety’s way of convincing you that all the recovery principles you’ve learned apply to everyone else, but not to this situation.
It sounds like:
- “But what if this one is real?”
- “This situation is different.”
- “This is too important to leave alone.”
- “I know I shouldn’t engage, but I need to figure this out first.”
- “I know reassurance doesn’t help, but this is an exception.”
The exception clause isn’t proof that you’re in danger.
It’s proof that anxiety is trying to keep itself alive.
The more important something feels, the more likely anxiety is to present it as an exception.
Why Smart, Insightful People Get Stuck
One of the most frustrating parts of anxiety recovery is that knowledge alone isn’t enough.
Many people understand exactly how anxiety works. They can explain ERP, acceptance, uncertainty, and cognitive distortions better than most.
But understanding isn’t the same as doing.
The exception clause creates a gap between knowledge and action.
It whispers:
“Sure, all those skills work… except here.”
And suddenly, you stop moving forward.
Instead of taking the brave action, you pause.
Instead of allowing uncertainty, you analyze.
Instead of resisting compulsions, you make an exception.
Over time, this can become incredibly discouraging because it creates the illusion that recovery works for everyone except you.
Why Anxiety Feels So Real
One of the most common questions people ask is:
“Why does it feel so real?”
The answer is simple.
Because anxiety creates very real feelings.
A racing heart feels real.
A knot in your stomach feels real.
A sense of dread feels real.
Urgency feels real.
Fear feels real.
When anxiety is activated, your brain interprets discomfort as information. It starts treating emotions as evidence.
The exception clause thrives in this environment.
It takes a powerful feeling and turns it into a powerful story.
The feeling becomes:
“If I feel this strongly, there must be something wrong.”
But the feeling itself is not the problem.
The interpretation is.
Learning to Separate Feelings From Predictions
One of the most helpful skills in recovery is learning to stay in the present moment.
When anxiety is high, ask yourself:
What is actually happening right now?
You might notice:
- My heart is racing.
- I’m feeling scared.
- My stomach is tight.
- My thoughts are loud.
- I feel uncertain.
Those are present-moment experiences.
Notice what happens next.
Anxiety immediately tries to add a prediction:
- This means something bad will happen.
- This means I’m not safe.
- This means I need to act.
- This means I can’t handle this.
The work is learning to separate the feeling from the prediction.
You can feel scared without treating fear as a warning sign.
You can feel uncertain without treating uncertainty as an emergency.
The Question That Changes Everything
Many people can recognize anxiety.
Many people can identify the exception clause.
But then they hit another obstacle.
They ask:
“What if the risk is real?”
This is where courage becomes necessary.
Because recovery is not about eliminating uncertainty.
Recovery is about learning to move forward despite uncertainty.
There is no technique that can give you 100% certainty.
There is no exercise that can guarantee the outcome you want.
At some point, recovery requires a leap of faith.
Not because you know everything will be okay.
But because you’ve learned that constantly chasing certainty has never delivered the peace you were hoping for.
The Hidden Cost of Listening to Anxiety
When people think about recovery decisions, they often focus on what they might lose if they stop listening to anxiety.
But I want you to consider the opposite.
What are you losing by continuing to obey anxiety?
What opportunities have been missed?
What experiences have been delayed?
How much time has been spent worrying, checking, researching, analyzing, ruminating, and avoiding?
How much emotional weight are you carrying every day?
The exception clause rarely talks about these costs.
It only talks about the imagined dangers of letting go.
But recovery often begins when we become willing to acknowledge the cost of staying stuck.
When Anxiety Disguises Itself as Your Values
One of the sneakiest things anxiety does is hijack your values.
It takes something meaningful and uses it against you.
For example:
If you deeply value your children, anxiety may tell you that constant worry is responsible parenting.
If you value your health, anxiety may convince you that endless checking and researching is self-care.
If you value your relationship, anxiety may insist that constant analysis is necessary to protect it.
But there is a difference between living according to your values and acting according to your fear.
Values move you toward a meaningful life.
Anxiety moves you toward temporary relief.
They are not the same thing.
Create Your Own Exception Clause Inventory
One practical exercise I encourage you to try is creating an inventory of your most common exception clauses.
Write them down.
Notice the phrases anxiety uses repeatedly.
Maybe they sound like:
- “Just this once.”
- “I need to be sure.”
- “What if I’m missing something?”
- “This situation is different.”
- “I should probably check one more time.”
- “I can’t risk it.”
The goal isn’t to eliminate these thoughts.
The goal is to recognize them more quickly.
Once you know anxiety’s favorite arguments, they become less surprising.
And when they become less surprising, they become less powerful.
What the Exception Clause Is Really Revealing
Here’s the most important thing I want you to remember:
The exception clause usually shows up around the things you care about most.
Your health.
Your family.
Your future.
Your relationships.
Your identity.
Your wellbeing.
The appearance of the exception clause doesn’t mean you’re doing recovery wrong.
It doesn’t mean the fear is true.
It simply means anxiety has attached itself to something meaningful.
That’s okay.
You are allowed to care deeply.
You are allowed to feel vulnerable.
You are allowed to feel scared.
But caring about something does not mean anxiety’s strategy will protect it.
Avoidance, reassurance, checking, rumination, and compulsions may feel protective.
But they are not protection.
They are performance.
They create the illusion of safety without actually creating safety.
The Bottom Line
The next time anxiety tells you that this situation is different, pause.
Notice the exception clause.
Notice the urge to make an exception.
Notice the argument anxiety is trying to sell you.
And then gently remind yourself:
“This may be important to me. It may feel urgent. It may feel real. But feelings are not facts, and anxiety doesn’t get to rewrite the rules today.”
Recovery isn’t about never hearing the exception clause.
Recovery is about hearing it and choosing not to obey it.
That choice won’t always feel comfortable.
But every time you make it, you put down a little more of the weight anxiety has been asking you to carry.
And that’s how recovery grows.
Transcription: The Anxiety Trick That’s Derailing Your Recovery with Drew Linsalata
Kimberley: You’ve done the work. You’ve read the books, maybe done some therapy, watched the videos. You understand that anxious thoughts are not facts. You know that engaging with them makes them worse, and you know the goal is not to take the bait. But then a thought comes, and something feels different about this one.
This one feels important. This one actually feels like it needs your attention. This one feels like all those rules you learn about let it go, don’t engage, it’s just anxiety, doesn’t apply here because this situation is different, because the stakes are too high. Because what if this one time the fear is actually right?
And before you know it, you are three hours deep in your own head doing the very thing you promised yourself that you would no longer do. That is not a willpower problem. This is not a sign that the tools don’t work. This is not evidence that your fear is the exception. This is a very specific trick that anxiety plays on people who are already in recovery, and is one of the most common reasons people stall.
Today we have Drew Linsalata, the host of The Anxious Truth podcast. He’s an author, and he is someone who has spent years helping people recognize exactly this pattern. Today, we’re going to get into it, what this trick is, why anxiety deploys it specifically when you’re doing the work, and what you actually can do when your brain is screaming at you that this one is different.
Drew, welcome.
Drew: Hello, my friend. Hi, Kim. Thanks for having me on.
Kimberley: Well, I al- also should have mentioned in the, in the intro, like, this is also just, like, an awesome human being who I love spending time with.
Drew: We were talking about just, like, how we’re so lucky we even met, right, and just became friends and all that stuff, so-
Kimberley: I know.
I know … it’s pretty cool. I f- I’m just so, uh, grateful for you, and I love that we are so aligned in pretty, like, almost everything we talk about, except that I love AI and you hate AI, correct?
Drew: Yeah, but other than that, we’re in pretty much lockstep. It’s all good. Um-
Kimberley: Well, it, we’re cappuccino obsessed- … we’re an- anxiety obsessed, all the things.
Drew: Two over-caffeinated therapists just doing their thing, living their best lives. It’s all good. Yes.
Kimberley: So anyway. It’s very, very, very true. Yeah.
Drew: Pretty great.
Kimberley: Okay, let’s talk about it. Before we get into this idea, I just wanna first understand, like, what is the cost of what’s happening here? Like, what is making this pattern so damaging, right?
So why is it so demo- demoralizing? We’re speaking specifically to folks who have listened to your podcast, mine, they know what to do, but they just keep getting stuck.
Drew: Yeah, I think it’s demoralizing. Oh, I like how you call it a cost. Pretty accurate. There is a cost to this. I think the cost is there’s no forward movement, right?
So there’s a great degree of understanding, and I think you would pr- you probably see it in your comment section, in your social media comm- in your practice, like I do. There’s a huge amount of understanding, which is really awesome. That’s… You need that before you can move forward, of course. But the cost is but we don’t actually get any movement.
There’s no behavioral activation, there’s no behavioral change. So while I totally understand why people want to carve out an exception, even they don’t want to. They’re not trying to be resistant. Nobody’s trying to be defiant or resistant or difficult ever. But I understand why that exception clause gets invoked so often.
It usually starts with the word “but” or, “For me, it’s…” You know, we can talk about that. But the cost of that is why do I know all the things but I can’t do it? And then they get really down on themselves, and they start to feel like they really are different, like it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Exception clause says why the rules can’t apply to you.
Kim and Drew were talking, yeah, for everybody else, but not for me, ’cause but for me it’s… And then you stop because of the exception clause, and then the exception clause becomes true. Yes, look, it is special. I can’t seem to g- I can’t do this.
Kimberley: Yeah. Tell me exactly what… Like, you are the designer, you are the namer and the, the, the call-er outer of this term- Yeah
the exception clause. Tell me exactly what it is in your mind.
Drew: Yeah, I think, uh, and I just sort of made that up if, and if I, I, maybe I stole it, I don’t know, but I don’t think I did. The ex- the exception clause is that part of the, the contract with your anxiety disorder, right? That it will always invoke that clause that says, “Yeah, but what about when?”
And usually you know when the exception clause has been invoked when you hear words like, “What about when?” Or, “What about when it’s…” Or, “But for me it’s…” Or, “Yeah, but…” Those are the hallmarks of the exception clause. And that’s not somebody invoking the clause, that’s the disorder invoking the clause. Like, mm, stop listening to these two, because OCD or panic disorder or agoraphobia will whisper in your ear.
They don’t understand that for us, like the cult leader in your head says, it’s DPDR. Like, they can’t possibly be saying that you have to allow that, right? They can’t possibly be. So that’s what the exception clause is. Whatever scares you the most today, because by the way, that’s gonna morph over time, as anybody who’s struggled for any amount of time knows.
Today it’s this thought, tomorrow it’s a different thought. Today it’s this symptom- Two months from now it’s a different symptom. Whatever scares you the most today becomes the topic of the exception clause that says, “Yeah, but what about when it’s that?” Yeah. You can’t be talking about that, right?
Kimberley: Right.
And I think that, you know, I think it’s so interesting because apparently the most common Googled term for in, in the anxiety disorders is why does it feel so real?
Drew: I, yeah. Sure.
Kimberley: And I think that that is a piece of this exception clause, is because- Mm-hmm … you’re like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I, I, I agree. Like, we’ve got to diffuse from our thoughts, and we’ve got to let it be there, and all the things.
And, and, you know, I’ve read all the books, and I know all the things. Like, some of my clients know more about anxiety than um, probably I do. Sure. But because it feels so real in that moment, we fall for, we meaning me included- Yeah … like, we fall for what you call the exception clause.
Drew: So when your disorder says, “No, no, this is an exception,” like that willful tolerance, acceptance, floating, diffusion thing that those guys are…
No, it doesn’t count here. The, you can’t apply it here, where this is an exception. And it, usually it’s because it feels so real. To me, how do you know it feels so real? Well, you get more scared, or it feels more important or urgent, or it feels like an emergency. Why? Well, because it feel- it’s very convincing.
A, a very powerful feeling can be very convincing. So like, no, acceptance in this situation, and I use that as a very broad term, you know, mindful awareness, whatever you wanna say, can’t apply here because this truly is urgent or too important to leave alone, or too dangerous to allow. That’s not true, but that’s the argument.
Kimberley: Talk to me deeper about that, because so often I think under the layers of the exception, it, in, in my practice we call it the rebuttal compulsion. Like, there’s often there’s a rebuttal. The an- anxiety is going, you know, we always play this idea of like, you know, say to your brain, like, “I’m gonna use this skill,” and then your OCD goes, “Yeah, but,” you know, as you’ve said.
Go a little deeper for folks. So they’re, they are trying to apply the skills. Their brain has come up with an exception or a rebuttal to using the skills. What it, what strategy or what steps would you encourage them to take in that moment?
Drew: I try to use, I’m a big fan of, like, present moment awareness as a way to, like, really shine a light on that, on the rebuttal clause or the exception clause, or whatever, whatever you wanna call it.
I love rebuttal compulsion. That’s pretty good. And I think in that situation it’s like, okay, well, I wanna take that brave action. I, I’m at the precipice. I’m ready. I wanna do it. But like, mm, no, I can’t really take the action because this- It can’t be. You can’t tell me that I have to step forward into this abyss, this dangerous, horrible thing, right?
But I wanna do it. Okay, let’s stop. Let’s see, what does it feel like to stand on that edge? What’s going on right now? And usually, if we can bring somebody back to the present moment, which is, “My heart is pounding, I’m sweating, my stomach feels like it’s doing flip-flops. I’m having a lot of really scary thoughts about maybe the health of my kids or my own safety,” or whatever it is.
Okay. “And, and I’m just so scared right now.” Okay, that’s fine. Right now you are scared or uncertain, or you feel really vulnerable or unsure, and your body’s reacting to that. That’s what’s actually happening right now. So what’s about that stops you from taking the next step? “Oh, well, this feeling tells me that…”
And then we can unmask the part where the current experience is interpreted as a projection or a prediction Like, no, no, no, no. Your heart is racing, you’re sweating, your legs are jelly, you’re having DPDR, you’re having scary thoughts about something very important to you. But that’s what’s happening right now.
Why couldn’t you take that feeling with you and take the next step forward? Oh, because it means that… No, no, no, no, no. Let’s forget the part where it means that. It doesn’t mean anything. It means you’re scared. Yeah. And that’s, that’s what it feels like to be scared right now. Yeah. I find that to be pretty helpful.
That’s a big ask, though. That’s hard work.
Kimberley: Well, I think that there’s also, before you… Like, I wanna keep going deeper into this. Yeah. I think also, I think of, um, myself, and one that comes to mind here, one that, that does trick me, and there is a part of the clause for me personally, so I’ll give that as an example, ’cause I think this shows up for a lot of folks.
So I used to have a really hard time dropping my son off at school. In my mind, it, I had a bad feeling, right? I ha- I just had a bad feeling about it. Hmm.
Drew: There was literally no facts. Right.
Kimberley: Like, it’s not like there was a mean guy walking around the outside of the school. It’s not like th- there was a tornado coming in.
Like, no one had given actual hard evidence, but I’d get a bad feeling. And the exception clause for me was it’s not worth taking the risk. Even though I’m like, “This is probably all my anxiety. There’s really… I’m looking around. I’m in the present. I can see. I’m smart. There’s no danger.” But is it worth taking the risk?
Is it worth the, you know, the 1%? Is, it’s like a ba- gambling game. That was my exception clause, right? Like, are you willing really to, to take the risk of that 1%? Because you could just pick him up and take him home. Like, that would be, you, we, it would bu- be a bummer you wouldn’t get your work done today, but you wouldn’t have to take that risk.
Talk to me about how someone might navigate that.
Drew: Yeah, I think that’s a really, really excellent point because even if somebody gets, “Okay, I get it, it’s just…” I, and I hear this in my practice. “Okay, I get it. It’s just a feeling. I understand. It’s just a fear. It’s just a thought. But I don’t think I could take that kind of risk.”
And then bam, the brakes go on again. And sometimes, and this is the, I think, the part that’s unpleasant about the work that we do, and I hate saying this to people, or I hate even suggesting it to people, but I will usually remind them, the last time you bet on just in case and took that course of action, how did you feel two hours later or the next day, right?
And I, unfortunately we have to do that. Like, I know. I do understand that what you’re doing. And we have to validate that. I think it’s critically important because sometimes people listen to podcasts like this one or watch us on YouTube or whatever, and they think we’re sort of minimizing. Like, well, they don’t under- Have you ever been told, “Clearly you’ve never felt what I felt”?
Right? And I understand why people, I don’t take it personally. Like, you know, I actually have. Yeah. And so that’s why I want to validate that in that moment, you truly feel like you are doing something that carries an actual risk. Yeah. You do feel like you are making a reckless, risky decision. That’s correct.
But that’s why courage enters into this. So like- Yeah … I have a lot of evidence here that tells me that I truly feel, like the, uh, in the moment where I’m at the precipice and I wanna leap, but yet I’m making a prediction based on my feeling that something bad will happen if I do that. Okay, fine. Come to the present moment.
It’s just a feeling. I get that part, but really I don’t fully believe it, so there’s still some percentage of risk that I think I’m taking. I know.
Kimberley: Yeah.
Drew: So you jump anyway. Yeah. I hate that part because there’s no steps to that. There’s no technique. There’s no nothing. It’s like I know you’ll only believe after you jump.
Yeah. And then you can look back and say, “Oh, can’t believe I got fooled all those times.”
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I am honored to partner with NOCD. I want to remind you that recovery is possible. Please do not forget that. Now, big
Drew: hugs, and let’s get back to the show
Kimberley: Yeah. For me, having, where, where I actually got to the point where I was like, I, I knew that there was a pattern, right? I could see that. But for me, what the big shift was, was going back to that, like we talked about at the beginning, the cost, which is like, yeah, cool, I kept my kid alive, right?
But I probab- he, he would also be alive if I hadn’t have dropped him off. Uh, but the cost is if I keep living to this exception clause, if I keep following the exception clause and using that as like a… I think there’s like a legal term for, like, I can’t think of what it is. But if I keep following that, I’m not gonna get the work I needed to get done.
My son’s gonna miss out on school. Like, there are costs to, um, l- being a just in case girl. I’ll keep my eye out just in case. Like, I didn’t ever do that, but I’m saying that’s what my brain wanted me to do. So I, I love that you’ve outlined the costs, and it is that understanding of this, if I keep living according to the exception clause, I don’t get to live my life the way I want to.
Drew: You know, there’s, um, lately I’ve been doing this, ’cause I don’t know why these are in my office, but they are, and you’ll see in a second. If you’re on video, cool. Sometimes people will say like, “Okay, we wanna make a values-based decision.” We talk about that stuff all the time in the work we do. But it can be really hard when you’re in that moment of decision, about to leap, right?
You’re taking this brave leap into the unknown and like, “All right, I’ll trust you. I’ll leap.” It’s really hard to make that decision based on what you’re going to get in six months. It’s really hard to do that, because that one leap isn’t gonna change your life, and it’s not like later on that night you’re fixed, you’re recovered, and your life is great.
Then it would be easy for people. So instead of trying to motivate people or, or have them connect to, you know, the benefit, we connect to the cost. And I will say… So now I’m gonna hold up this big-ass kettlebell, right? There’s a kettlebell next to my office. So imagine that this is the emotional cost. I don’t even care about the functional cost.
I care about the emotional cost. Every day I wake up that I live as just in case guy, like you, you said, if I live in ju- I have this weight that I carry all the time, and it shows up in like what’s wrong with me. Next time I watch Kim’s next podcast, yeah, I love it, but like it makes me feel bad, ’cause why can’t I get this?
What’s… You know, my family is looking at me sideways. They’re, they’re growing– they’re out of patience with me. I’m out of patience with me. I’m starting to feel like a failure. This kettlebell on my shoulder just stays with me all the time. So do I get something if I take the leap of faith again and again and learn?
Yeah, I do. But really, what do I lose- Yeah … in this moment if I take a leap of faith right now? I get to put this weight down. Yeah. Like, that feels so much better.
Kimberley: Right.
Drew: So-
Kimberley: It’s so true. It’s a great visual … that’s the cost. Yeah, that’s the cost. Like, imagine you wake up in the
Drew: morning and I hand you a 50-pound plate, and I make you carry it all day
Kimberley: long.
Drew: Yeah.
And all you gotta do to put that plate down is make the leap in the hard moment, right? So there’s a- Yeah … you know, if you… The exception clause keeps that weight on your head.
Kimberley: Yeah. That
Drew: cloud stays over you.
Kimberley: Yeah. Yeah. I love that you brought up the value-based thing because That’s actually one of the biggest exception clauses I hear clients use.
So let’s just use my example of my son. Mm-hmm. Again, this is, it’s as much fictional. I’d never pull my kid out of school for that reason, but let’s just use it. It, it- And he’s still angry
Drew: at you for that, by the
Kimberley: way. Oh, no, he would love it. “
Drew: Mom, I wanted to stay home. Come on,
Kimberley: just because-” “Can’t we listen for the exception clause today?”
“Come on, it’s not worth the risk,” is what he would be saying. Yeah,
Drew: right, exactly. Do you really… Can you live with that if I die- Yeah … on the playground? Come on, so.
Kimberley: But that’s the point. That’s the point I was just gonna make, is sometimes the trickiest exception clause is one of the skills that we teach, which is, like, live according to your values.
I can’t tell you how many clients have said, “My values are to keep my son alive.”
Drew: Yeah.
Kimberley: Okay. Like, I wanna live my life by building a business or going in to work or, you know, I wanna be at home and garden, whatever. And so, yes, it is according to my values to let him be at school, but it’s my values, like my anxiety dressed up as values- Yeah
as the exception clause is like, no, but you really value being a good mother, and a good mother would keep her son home because you had that gut feeling that something bad was going to happen. Like, that’s where that it, it’s so tricky. The exception clause can even use some of the skills as the exception.
Drew: Yeah. Oh, I, I like to say it hijacks the jargon. Like-
Kimberley: Yeah …
Drew: it hijacks the word values.
Kimberley: Yes.
Drew: So that, and I have to tell you, you’ve been practicing way longer than I have, but, like, I see it most in OCD, GAD, and health anxiety. Yeah. Those are the three places that the disorder will hijack the word values, right?
Kimberley: Yes, yes.
Drew: But, but you don’t understand, like, health is one of my values. Yes. Like, I value wellness. So if I Google all day long or c- or compulsively check my skin or keep asking if I have cancer, I’m living according to the value. And I would say, well, it, it knows enough to hijack the word, doesn’t it? Yeah.
But that’s not the way to do it. Like, it knows how to say, “This is your values,” but- Yeah … it doesn’t actually know how to go toward your values, so it’s a lie. Like- Yeah … I understand you could value the safety of your kid, and I would, too, and I encourage you to do that, but that’s not the way to guarantee the safety of your kid, so it’s a disguise.
It’s like, “No, no, look, look, safety happened at the end.” Yeah, but safety was gonna happen anyway. Yeah. Or in a way, it uses an illusion. Yeah. The exception clause will promise you that this is the way to achieve the value, but it never is, that it… ‘Cause you know how, you know how you know that? You regret doing it.
You keep regret doing it, so that’s how you know that was, that wasn’t right, that wasn’t right- Yeah … that wasn’t right. Yeah, so.
Kimberley: Yeah. No, I think that’s true. Like, actual safety, if I was living according to my values, it would be like putting his seatbelt on in the morning.
Or holding his hand if while we walk across the street and looking to the left and looking to the right as we cross the street. That is actual safety, but actual safety is not a feeling that you get. And that’s hard, I mean, especially for folks with anxiety, because I think intuition can get confusing.
And I love how you talked about the jargon. Um, okay, this is what I would have… I’m curious actually, Drew, your thoughts. Like, this is where I would say, for the folks listening, sit down, pause this if you need to, and write down all of the exceptions that your anxiety uses against you. Like, actually do that for homework.
Jot it down. Keep it in the notes in your phone so that you can become aware of it, ’cause sometimes we’re not even aware. What do you think of that? Or is that something you would or would not give as homework?
Drew: No. Well, I’m a big fan of, like, I- I call it watching your gears turn, right? So we’re using that mindful awareness skill, and we try to practice that all the time.
So, like, yeah, I would make an inventory of that, because then you’re not sur- why are you surprised that, that it will declare that, you know… But, but dizzy. But, but what about when you’re dizzy? What about when you think you’re gonna have a psychotic break? Well, what about when it’s about your kids? It can’t be that…
I know. Well, expect that- Yeah … to happen. So I try to teach my clients all the time, like, it is not news that you got a big feeling about the safety of your child in that moment. We already knew it was coming. So if you know it’s coming, you be- you can watch the gears turn a little bit more effectively, like there it is, right on schedule.
There’s the exception clause. Like, what do I… What happens when I follow that? And yeah, it is a big feeling. It comes with a big feeling. When I follow that, what happens? I wind up having a really bad feeling later, and I have… That, that weight is still on my shoulder. So can I… What if I challenge it today?
Kimberley: Yeah. This is, I think, real- for the folks who do a lot of compulsions. I think that there are a lot of folks who do compulsions because of this exception clause. I think where this gets really clever is with folks with health anxiety and OCD, specifically to the exceptions to why they should do compulsions.
Drew: Yeah.
Kimberley: Right? I have a client who will say, “No, but I have to do a presentation. I know the compulsions are stupid. I know they don’t help, but I’ll just perform better if I just get this compulsion out of the way.” And that’s a fact. They actually do perform better-
Drew: Sure …
Kimberley: because they can sort of, like, like neutralize their obsession, you know, make a, a negative thought into a positive thought, and then they can move on to their day.
Is there any exception to this work in the exception clause when it comes to folks who are like, “Yeah, no, but if I just wash my hands, I’ll feel so much better”? What are your thoughts?
Drew: Well, it’s gonna sound surprising, but I believe there are. Yeah. So, like, there are people sometimes I’ll work with that, like, you know what?
You just may be… You may have a few quirks that we don’t have to take away from you. I care about functional impact. I always care about functional impact, right? So if you give a public address once every four months, and there is a, a, a routine you need to go through to feel good on that stage, and it literally occupies 12 minutes of your life every six months, and you have a better time doing your presentation, well, who cares?
Like, knock yourself out. You know, if for some reason that starts to spread into the rest of your life and you hate that you did it, well then, okay. Like, I don’t care. You know, so, like, I really only care about functional impact if it’s a once in a while thing and it works for you. Hey, listen, I’m a huge hockey fan, right?
Hockey fans are some of the most superstitious MF-ers on the planet. Like, I had a great game last time, so I must lace up my skates the same way. What’s the damage? There’s none. What’s the difference? I was gonna get dressed for the next game anyway, so who cares? But that is a very individual thing, right?
So militantly in psycho education, I’m gonna say, “No, we don’t negotiate with terrorists,” and then your, your anxiety’s sort of like a terrorist in your head. But when we get down to working individually with somebody, yeah, we may find that, like, that’s actually not a problem. Keep doing that. Who cares?
Kimberley: It totally does.
It totally does. Okay, so let’s round this out, because I think what you’re bringing to light here is if we can become aware of the exception clause, we have a leg up on recovery. It will accelerate your recovery if you are every morning aware of what exception clauses are gonna show up, and you have a plan and a strategy for how to handle it.
And ultimately the skills are the same, but I love that you’re sort of bringing this to awareness. What is something that you really want people to remember in regards to the exception clause? Like, if you could really hone it in, what is it that people need to leave here with and really understand?
Drew: I try to frame the appearance of the exception clause as reflection of what you care most about, and that’s okay.
So the exception clause isn’t an instruction to stay stuck. The ins- the instruction clause is a reflection of what I care about the most, my health, my wellbeing, my sanity, my children, the love for my partner. Yeah, it’s okay. You know why that’s an exception to you? Because it speaks to a thing that’s very important or dear to you or precious to you, and that is okay.
Just remember that the exception clause is not the right strategy for preserving the precious thing. It is theater. It is nothing. It is performative. It’s fiction. You think you are preserving the important thing. So just recognize that when the exception clause clo- shows up, yeah, no, but I can’t accept DPDR.
Just that’s the thing that scares you the most because you’ve attached that to a very important outcome. No problem. You’re allowed to care about that, but it is absolute theater and fiction to think that your response, the exception clause response, which is retreat or avoidance or compulsion, it’s sprinkles on an ice cream cone.
It’s window dressing. It’s icing. It’s theater. It’s not actually preserving you at all. That’s, that’s a hard sell, but that’s true
Kimberley: Well, I think the work we do is hard. Sure. It’s not easy. But, but-
Drew: This is easy. Hanging out with you is easy.
Kimberley: Yeah. Tell me where people can find out more about you- Um- … hear about you, and all the things
Drew: yeah, just go to theanxioustruth.com or se- if you search for me or The Anxious Truth, you’re gonna find all of the books and the podcast and all.
Kimberley: Yeah.
Drew: Yeah.
Kimberley: You’re doing such beautiful work. Thank you so much for- Thanks for having me … all the work you do.
Drew: This was great. A lot of fun. We’ll do it again, I hope.
Kimberley: Please note that this podcast or any other resources from cbtschool.com should not replace professional mental health care. If you feel you would benefit, please reach out to a provider in your area. Have a wonderful day, and thank you for supporting cbtschool.com.
