src=”https://html5-player.libsyn.com/embed/episode/id/6032697/height/90/theme/custom/autoplay/no/autonext/no/thumbnail/yes/preload/no/no_addthis/no/direction/forward/render-playlist/no/custom-color/88AA3C/” height=”90″ width=”100%” placement=”top” theme=”custom”Well, Lets be honest! Sometimes I get so excited about practicing and teaching the deep and helpful concepts of Mindfulness that I forget to remind y’all of how simple it can and should be!
Often, when we experience anxiety (or other strong emotions), we often forget everything we have learned and are left standing helpful and afraid. In this podcast, we return to one of the most simplest and easiest Mindfulness tool available.
Check it out! And, if you are noticing how basic and thinned out this blog is, that is no accident. This week, we are practicing simplicity!! See you next week!
Vulnerability: The Road to Courage, Self-Compassion and Self-Worth
In today’s podcast, I wanted to dissect the concept of Vulnerability.
Brene Brown, reknowned researcher on Vulnerability defines Vulnerability as
“Uncertainty, Risk and Emotional Exposure”
I find this somewhat ironic, as Uncertainty, Risk and Emotional Exposure are the worst nightmare of someone who experiences anxiety, OCD, an eating disorder (such as Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa), trauma, grief or depression.
I think many humans struggle with these concepts, but I feel that it is significantly difficult for those who struggle with these mental health disorders. In many cases, there is a complete rejection of vulnerability.
I believe we think that if we avoid vulnerability, we
can rid ourselves of shame, embarrassment, being judged, feeling sad or hurt.
However, all we end up doing is numbing.
When we have anxiety, we think that if we avoid vulnerability, we could rid ourselves of possible bad or catastrophicoutcomes.
However, all we end up doing is becoming compulsive.
In this podcast, I detail the workings of those who are successful at being vulnerable and take a look at the outcomes that result.
We will outlines ways that you can practice vulnerability in large or small steps.
We look at the repurcussions of staying safe and avoiding vulernability and we detail the research’s findings about self-worth and conectivity.
I hope you enjoy it!This is one of my favorite subjects.
Episode #24: Willingness-Leave It All Out On The Field!
I LOVE the term, “leave it all out on the field!”
There is something totally radical and badass about the idea of “leaving it all out on the field!” It means we are committed to the hard work. It demonstrates that we are ready to feel some discomfort. “Leaving it out on the field” describes giving it your everything. I LOVE it!
How does this apply to Mindfulness? The degree that you “leave it out on the field” is a great way to describe Willingness. Willingness is radically accepting and giving consent to our present experience.
We can conceptualize Willingness as scale, similar to a continuum.
0/10 Willingness implies we have absolutely NO willingness to be uncomfortable (or have anxiety, intrusive thoughts, panic, have uncertainty).
We reject all feelings of discomfort
Fear makes our decisions (causing us to do more compulsions)
Disown any negative experience
10/10 Willingness is saying 100% “YES” to whatever experience of discomfort that arises
Radically accepting the feared outcome
Allowing yourself to have anxiety, fear and intrusive thoughts.
You LEFT IT ALL OUT ON THE FIELD!
Listen to hear ways to increase your WILLINGNESS, even if it is just a teeny, tiny bit.
Hi there guys! I couldn’t finish the day without checking in with you and sending you my support after such a difficult day. This podcast was not planned and I kind of threw it together at the last minute. I hope it is helpful.
For anyone in Las Vegas or Puerto Rico or any other place where there is destruction and pain, please know that I am praying for you and I hold you in my heart.
These scary events can trigger our already high anxiety, so please listen for some tips and tools to manage your anxiety about the current events and affairs in the news.
A couple of important points:
Anger Sadness and Anxiety/Fear are all very human responses to these horrific events.
Obsessions to look out for:
“Will this happen to me, or a loved one?”
Intrusive Imagery (Mental images of people suffering from traumatic events, shootings, hurricanes, earthquakes etc)
Intrusive sounds (Gun shots, people crying, sobbing, screaming, sirens etc)
For those with Harm OCD: “Am I capable of doing such an act?”
Compulsions to look out for
Mental Review or Mental Compulsions about the event or possibility of this happening to you or a loved one
Reassurance Seeking (checking news, checking phones, asking a loved one if they will be ok etc)
Avoidance (future vacations, work, school, thought blocking, etc)
How to Heal Self-Blame with Self-Forgiveness using Ho’oponopono Meditation
If you are anything like me, you are quick to blame yourself for any of the below reasons:
You have not achieved some level or expectation.
You tried to better yourself and you “failed.”
You made a mistake (unintentional) or had an accident (I call this, “You Did a human” AKA Making a human mistake)
Especially for you, if you have OCD; You have “bad” thoughts, intrusive thoughts, thoughts you deem “unacceptable.”
You feel like you are a BAD person who doesn’t EVER deserve to be forgiven.
You are attempting to work through your mental health issues.
You struggle to do exposures or follow some treatment goal.
You experience self-disgust (for having pimples, cellulite, intrusive thoughts etc.
My main message in this podcast is this:
HUMANS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT!
HUMANS ARE ALWAYS AND FOREVER GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES!
This podcast details a practice called Ho’oponopono. Ho-oponopon is a spiritual practice of harmony between people, nature and spirit that has been used in Hawaiian and other Polynesian cultures for centuries.
Ho’oponopono Key Concept: We can heal our own wounds and then we can then go out and heal our world.
Ho’oponopono Meditation Foundation:
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
Thank you.
Here are some ridiculous reason to not practice Self-Forgiveness:
You only deserve Self-Forgiveness after you make the world better (giving service to others).
If you forgive myself, you will stop caring and let yourself go and become and even worse person.
Once you are perfect, then you can forgive yourself.
If you blame myself first, it will hurt less if someone else blames you or notices your imperfections.
Please do not let these reason stop you from freeing yourself from Self-Blame.
Give it a try and see if it works for you! I found it to be a very powerful practice.
I am honored to share with you a recent interview I did with OCD ROCKSTAR and dear friend, Shala Nicely. Shala is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Atlanta and treats OCD and OCD Spectrum Disorders using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
I briefly outlined the conversation and left all the links discussed during the podcast.
Enjoy!
Shala recently wrote an awesome blog post article about a top women’s magazine that posted an article encouraging readers to “be a little OCD!” Shala declared enough was enough and got writing. Shala and her ROCKSTAR mom are doing so much to advocate for the OCD community. See the below link to check it out.
How do you respond when people say, “I am SO OCD?”
Shala reports that she always aims to never shame anyone. For this reason, she talked about polite and non-shaming ways to educate others on what OCD and how painful and debilitating it can be.
How does it feel when you hear someone say “I am so OCD”?
“First, frustration”, but then desire to educate others about the severity of OCD and other mental health disorders.
Are people with OCD, “SO OCD?”
In today’s society, being “SO OCD” is generalized to describe someone who is meticulous and likes symmetry and neatness. This is not typical for someone with OCD. Someone who has severe OCD might be entirely ok with a dirty bedroom and not need symmetry or cleanliness at all. It is important that we educate people about the specific sub-types of OCD so that people better understand the complexities and variety of OCD symptoms.
Go to Iocdf.org for more information
How can we manage the shame and guilt that comes with having OCD or another mental health disorder?
Brene Brown has written some AWESOME literature and has done amazing research about shame and guilt. Because Shame and Guilt are so common amongst those with OCD, Anxiety, Eating Disorders and Body- Focused Repetitive Disorders, we both strongly encourage listeners to read any of her books.
Kimberley also discussed Brene’s explanation of how to identify if you can trust someone. Check out the link below to watch.
There is an urgency that is ruining us in today’s culture. We must have everything right away and we get upset when we don’t get our way. When I catch myself in these behaviors, and I am mindful enough, I ask, “Why am I behaving this way?” The answer is always FEAR! We are afraid of being late. We are afraid someone will judge us or be upset at us for being late. We are afraid of not checking off everything on our list of things to do, which will make us feel unsatisfactory. We are afraid if we don’t do it fast enough, we won’t get home early enough to have a moment to ourselves, where we can breathe and find some peace. So, we clench our teeth, take the corners too fast and we fail to take in any of the joy of that moment.
We keep forgetting is that peace lies in this moment. The problem here is that rushing and insisting things go to our expected timeline is setting us up to have discomfort.
Patience requires us to accept and tolerate difficulties and delays, without getting angry or upset. So, how do we practice patience when we are being followed by anxiety all day, every day, particularly for those who have an anxiety disorder such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Panic Disorder, Generalized Anxiety (GAD) or a specific phobia? This questions also applies to those who have other disorders such as and Eating Disorder (Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa or Binge Eating Disorder), or Body Focused Repetitive Behavior (hair pulling or skin picking)?
Lets take a look at a few examples of how anxiety requires patience.
“I want anxiety to go away now”
Patience involves the practice willingness to feel anxiety. Patience is going about your day while experiencing the anxiety you have. This is the golden rule for managing anxiety. If you are running from anxiety or pushing too fast through it, you are creating an anxiety monster. Patience is willingness and compassion all rolled into one.
Patience will involve not getting angry or condemning yourself for having this fear. We tend to play the blame game when we are struggling, thinking that an appropriate amount of blame and shame will teach us to no longer feeling this way or prevent feeling it in the future. This also applies to not blaming others. Our anxiety is ours. We cannot blame others for it. Even if someone does something that makes us anxious, we must work to heal our own hearts and learn how to manage it.
I want to solve the problem RIGHT NOW! I need to know the answer RIGHT NOW!
This is where patience is needed most; when you want something you have not got. This is where you have to loosen your grip and make a lot of space for uncertainty.
We have to develop a deep respect for the natural unfolding of time. Just because it is unknown, does not mean it must be known. Your job is to be patient with the feeling of “un-knowing” and trust that things will happen at their pace.
Again, loosen your grip, or loosen your reins and take a look around. Consider, that the answer is right in front of you. If you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or anxiety, and you are on a mad rush to find the answer to an obsession you are having, it might be that patients IS the answer. It might be that madly finding the answer IS the problem. We must slow down. You take a breath and you take note of all the other things that are going on. You notice that the clouds in the sky remind you of a warm winters day when you were a kid. You actually taste the food you are eating. You really look your partner in the eye. You slowly take the corner in your car.
Maybe you are overwhelmed with the societal pressure or self-imposed pressure to be better, faster, smarter, better looking, healthier, free from anxiety.
Sometimes the faster you try to achieve something, the longer it takes. If you choose the fast, wont-stop-for-anyone pace, I can almost guarantee you that you wont make lasting relationships. Its really hard to get to know someone and connect with them when you are living a rushed life, unless they are running at the same pace and enjoy the direction you are heading. The trick here is patience and compassion. We must slow down and acknowledge that we are growing at a pace that is just right for us. You are exactly where you need to be and the pace will find you. This might be hard to take, but that’s where compassion comes in. With compassion, you acknowledge how hard this is for you, right now. You accept that many others (basically any human with a heart beat) must accept that we don’t get everything we want right away, nor should we want to. There is no shame is slowing down.
General life
With patience, we get to slow down and see that a lot of what we own in our house and in our life is filler to make us feel like we are going places faster. When we are patient and mindful, we can observe ourselves better and begin to see a lot of our pure and natural beauty. We get to notice all that we are. It was there all along. We were just speeding, too fast to see it.
Patience is willingness to be uncomfortable and compassion for self and others, all rolled into one ball. It is a skill that will reward you greatly, if you learn to make friends with it.
This is a message to you, for those times when you feel like you are failing.
This is a little bit of a verbal manifesto for you, if you feel like you are not winning the fight against anxiety and you are lost on where to go next.
Maybe you feel like you can’t seem to get relief from your anxiety. Or you are unable to do something that is super scary for you. Possibly you have mastered one struggle and then you have found that a new anxiety or struggle has risen. In this moment, you may feel like you cannot seem to get “control” over whatever it is that you are dealing with. Because of this, your emotions might be raging, despite your attempts to calm them.
Below are my favorite FIVE points to remember when you think that you are failing, or not winning. I hope they find you some peace and give you some ideas to help you keep moving forward.
FIVE things for you to remeber when you think you are “failing”
Thing #1
You cannot “fail” if you are trying.
If you are trying, you are being willing Failing is if you stop trying. There will be times when you have to slow down and stop your work for a moment. You may need some time to reflect (see Thing # 3 for more information on this). That being said, try to remember that slowing down is not failing either.
Thing #2
This struggle is real and IMPORTANT. You are not making this struggle up. If it is hard for you, it IS hard. Just because it isn’t hard for others, does NOT discount that it IS hard for you. Be gentle with yourself. You are not dumb, or stupid, or messed up because this struggle is so hard for you. There is no rhyme or reason why this struggle chose you. All I can say is that it is yours and you are correct. IT IS HARD.
Thing # 3
Make the “fail” or the struggle count. There is knowledge in each struggle. I can be helpful to ask yourself, “What message is there that we could learn from?” Possible obstacles that might be getting in the way could include concepts such as-
I cannot let go of control.
I am struggling with concept of uncertainty
I am struggling with accepting my physical discomfort
Once you have identified the obstacle, you might review (by yourself or with your therapist) if it would be helpful to go back to identifying and correcting your irrational thoughts about your fear. You might also want to revisit your willingness tools. An important tool that we often forget is to apply TONS of compassion. Or maybe just a little bit, if compassion is a hard tool for you to access. You could use this “fail” to dispel the misconception that you should be ashamed of having this struggle. Can you share it with someone your trust? We all, even those who seem happy and lucky, have struggles. You are not alone. Don’t hide it all to yourself. Reach out and ask for a hug. Allow yourself to be comforted. Brene Brown’s research on trust has shown that others trust us more when we share our own struggles with others.
Thing #4
Beating yourself solves NOTHING. Do you look back on past events and say, “I am so glad I beat myself up over that!” I am sure you do not. J Could you allow this struggle to be hard just for the present moment? Sometime when we allow things to be hard, miraculously, they become jus a little easier, or the heaviness of them becomes less.
Some Yoga Instructors say that there are some advanced moves that require you to fall 1000 times before you can master a pose. If you didn’t know that it took 1000 falls to master the pose, you would probably give up pretty fast. I like to use this as a metaphor for dealing with anxiety. Remind yourself that you will have to fall a few times at least (more likely 1000) when dealing with anxiety. If you find that infuriating, try not to judge the process. Allow yourself to fall, knowing that the falls are accruing towards a great outcome.
Thing #5
“Failing” is a point of view. Remember, you cannot fail if you are trying. If someone tells you your trying is not enough, that’s ok. They can have that opinion. However, no one knows your struggle. No one gets to tell you how your recovery should look. Just keep looking at the steps you are taking.
Be SUPER careful of looking too far ahead. If you are climbing a mountain (which I am sure this is how it feels to you right now if you are listening this far into the podcast), just focus on the steps you are taking. If you look too far up the mountain, you WILL trip and then you will feel like you are “failing”. Sound familiar. Try to just stay here, on this one step. Master this one step and give yourself time and compassion for how hard this step is.
Consider “failing” as proof of bravery. If you are listening to this, in my mind,
YOU are a winner. You are brave, just for trying to conquer something hard. It takes courage to admit to having struggles. It would be so easy to go and hide and let whatever it is that you are dealing with just keep happening. It takes a lot of courage to fight through something instead of run away or fight it with anger or self-criticism. Open yourself to allowing the struggle to be a part of your story, instead of fighting it all the way. Every good story or movie needs a struggle. I see your strength. I see your possibilities. Keep your fire alive.
I believe you can do this. I have seen some pretty amazing stuff in my career. I’ve seen people tell me they “will never beat this” and they did. Keep trying!
When your physical symptoms of anxiety are high, you may feel like nothing works. You may have moments when you feel like you can’t come back to your rational brain. When we are all wound up on anxiety, fear can run the show. You know what I am talking about, right?
Despite there being some great tools out there, but one of the most difficult parts of having severe anxiety or panic is the comprehending what IS real danger and what IS NOT.
Last month we talked about R.A.I.N, which is an acronym that helps us use some of the most important mindfulness tools. There is also non-judgment, acceptance, willingness, bringing our attention to the present moment. These are all wonderful tools.
For me personally, if I can understand the mechanism behind what is happening, I can handle it better. That is why understanding what was happening in my brain was SO helpful.
Today we are going to delve deeper into understanding our brain and what happens when we experience high anxiety.
The problem with the anxious brain is that it often sets of an alarm, making us feel like our lives are at risk, danger is ahead, when really there is no danger at all. This is a mistake our brain makes, particularly when we have an anxiety disorder like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety or Specific Phobias.
Sometimes just understanding a little bit about what our brain is doing can help us with awareness and then allow us to implement the tools better.
A Simple way to Understand YOUR Brain and Anxiety
I want you to think of the brain like a house.
This house is a two-story house, with a stairway that leads us to from upstairs to downstairs, or vice versa.
Dan Siegel and Tina Payne wrote a wonderful book called, The Whole Brain Child that coined this concept, but I have shifted them a little to specifically address the management of anxiety.
**Please note that scientifically, this is not perfect. It would take hours for me to explain the intricacies of the brain and all the areas that provide different functions. For the purpose of getting a basic understanding, we will use this simple metaphor.
The Upstairs of the brain is where we do most of our Executive Functioning. What this means is, in the upstairs brain lives the “Thinkers”.
Functions of the upstairs brain allows us to
Regulate our body (speed up or slow down)
Tune in to someone else or something else.
Balance our Emotions and use Empathy and compassion
Have response flexibility (slows down the time between impulses or urges and an action). Basically, this means that we don’t respond based on pure emotion.
Calm our fear: There are inhibitory peptides called gabba that tame our fear and help us interpret the stimuli in a rational, appropriate way. This occurs in the Prefrontal Cortex at the front of the brain.
For kids, I love Hazel Harrison’s idea of giving each of these functions a character name. Hazel Harrison is a blogger for Mindful.org, if you are interested. You can be super creative with this process and make it silly and fun.
In our upstairs brain lives:
Creative Cassidy
Problem Solving Pete
Patty the Planner
Reasonable Renee
Calming Catarina
Kind Kelly
Flexible Felix
The downstairs area of the house lives the Basic functions. While these might not seem as sophisticated as the upstairs of the brain, the downstairs helps us to stay alive.
Downstairs brain controls
Bodily mechanisms that are automatic (Breathing, Digestions and Blinking). It is really quite incredible that our whole body can function without us needing to do anything at all.
Fight, flight and freeze mechanisms. This is the most important, for today‘s discussion. The downstairs is the Emotional hub of the brain. We need to be thankful for this part of our brain, as it keeps us safe from real danger. This downstairs area of the brain is what keeps us from touching the hot plate on the stove or not walking out onto a busy highway.
For the kids (and for use Adult Kids!), our downstairs brain is the home of:
Fearful Frannie
Panicky Pete (Fight flight or freeze)
Sad Sandra
Furious Frank
Bossy Benjamin
In the downstairs brain lives the Amygdala, which interprets the current stimuli, past memories about such stimuli and the general environment to determine if there is danger or not.
If there is danger, the Amygdala sends out a message to the body to prepare for flight, fight or freeze. This message may cause a bunch of bodily sensations that will prepare you for survival. Your heart rate might go up, which is your body preparing to be able to run a long distance in a short amount of time. This message may cause you to have stomach issues such as diarrhea or vomiting, which is your body’s way of emptying its contents, again, so you can be lighter and get away from such danger.
Using the metaphor of the house representing the brain, the stairway of the house helps the upstairs and the downstairs communicate together. The upstairs and the downstairs work together to think and feel in a way that is regulated and reasonable.
If there is a real danger, let’s say there is an earthquake, the downstairs brain (specifically Fearful Frannie and Panicky Pete) take over to make sure they can send all the messages necessary to keep the body safe. An example of this is, if there was in fact an huge earthquake, the upstairs “Problem Solving Pete” would not stop to pick up the stray shoes that have been left in the middle of the lounge room in case someone trips. Or, “Reasonable Renee” would not signal for us to stop to say goodbye to the people we are standing with before we ran for safety. Our downstairs brain works very hard so it can get us to the safest place in the fastest possible time. Once the danger has gone, we go back to using a more balanced distribution of the upper and lower brain.
What happens when we have an Anxiety Disorder?
In some cases, as mentioned above, our brains interpret that there is danger and sends out these messages when there is, in fact, little or no danger at all. This is VERY common in anxiety disorders. We could say that our downstairs made a mistake and set off the alarms, signaling to the whole body that is must prepare for fight or flight.
When I am using the metaphor of the two-story house, I often call this “lockdown”. Sometimes, just as our brains do where there is a REAL danger, when our brains mistakenly set off the alarm bells, it “locks down” the downstairs brain and won’t allow us to access our upstairs brain in a reasonable way. Problem Solving Pete and Rational Renee have no way of communicating with Panicky Patty and this keeps us from questioning if this danger is, in fact, a danger.
There is great benefit from knowing this information and being able to notice and observe when your brain is sending you into “lockdown”. Just understanding and observing this can allow us to reset. In fact, identifying that we are in lockdown and that our downstairs brain is being activated instantaneously opens up the stairway a little and allows reasonable Renee to begin doing her work. It is Reasonable Renee who allows us to say “OK, I am in lockdown right now”. Isn’t that SO cool?!
Dan Siegel uses the quote, “you have to name it to tame it” and I cannot agree more when it comes to anxiety. When you (or your little ones) can name what is happening in their brain, it helps them to feel in control and then are able to tame their heightened sense of danger.
Now, don’t get me wrong, knowing this information will not make anxiety go away completely. But, the more we can identify when our downstairs is in lockdown mode, the more likely we are to use our mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools.
Another tool is to practice using you upstairs brain when you aren’t in automatic lockdown. By exposing yourself to the very things that set off the downstairs brain in to lockdown (when there is, in fact, no danger at all), you can re-train your brain to reassess the danger appropriately. You will use your upstairs brain to regulate your downstairs brain when it wants to send you into lockdown.
It is important to know that the upstairs part of the brain isn’t fully built until sometime in a child 20’s. This doesn’t mean that this tool isn’t helpful to those who are children or adolescents. In fact, it is even more important for those who are younger. Understanding your brain can help develop the use of the upstairs brain and can benefit then in many, many ways. The goal is to have an upstairs and downstairs brain that communicate and work together.
Discussing Anxiety and the Brain with your Kids
If you are working with young children, try to make it fun. If your child is in lock down, have Bossy Benjamin tell Panicky Pete to “scram!!!!”. You could say, “You don’t belong here Panicky Pete!” You might also ask the lovely Calming Catarina to help with breathing and doing a fun activity that engages your child.
For little kids (and us big Adult kids), you might ask Reasonable Renee to keep and eye on Worried Wanda. Worried Wanda often spends too much time worrying about the future and all the bad things that might happen. Reasonable Renee can help remind Worried Wanda that her imagination has gone a little wild. Reasonable Renee might also sit down and come up with some activities that your child can do when Worried Wanda talks too loud and starts to become a bother. Ideas might include arts and crafts, take a walk, build a lego castle, do a jigsaw puzzle. The trick is to get hat upstairs AND downstairs brain engaged and communicating together!
Play around with some of these ideas and please let me know if you have any great ideas or questions.
This months podcast is a guided relaxation meditation. I ADORE this meditation and is one that I have adapted from several meditations that I love. It is super easy and doesn’t require a lot of effort, except just staying with me.
It is particularly easy to use before, during or after doing exposure for OCD or other anxiety disorders. I also encourage this when practicing mindful eating or intuitive eating. It is a great way to direct your attention back to your body and into the moment.
Shala recently wrote an awesome blog post article about a top women’s magazine that posted an article encouraging readers to “be a little OCD!” Shala declared enough was enough and got writing. Shala and her ROCKSTAR mom are doing so much to advocate for the OCD community. See the below link to check it out.
This struggle is real and IMPORTANT. You are not making this struggle up. If it is hard for you, it IS hard. Just because it isn’t hard for others, does NOT discount that it IS hard for you. Be gentle with yourself. You are not dumb, or stupid, or messed up because this struggle is so hard for you. There is no rhyme or reason why this struggle chose you. All I can say is that it is yours and you are correct. IT IS HARD.
