Your Holiday Anxiety Isn’t About the Holidays | Ep. 462

In this episode, Kimberley breaks down why holiday anxiety feels so overwhelming and teaches you compassionate, practical strategies to help you move through the season with more ease, clarity, and self-kindness.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

• Why your holiday anxiety isn’t really about the holidays—and what’s actually fueling your overwhelm
• The biggest internal and external expectations that intensify stress during this season
• How social events, gift-giving pressure, and family dynamics can trigger anxiety, OCD, and depression
• Practical skills you can use right away, including self-compassion, boundaries, and energy management
• Tools for navigating food, body image triggers, and people-pleasing without abandoning yourself
• The empowering mindset shift that helps you rewrite your holiday experience this year

Your Holiday Anxiety Is Not About the Holidays: How to Care for Yourself This Season

The holiday season is painted as a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness—but for many people, it’s one of the most overwhelming periods of the year. If you’re already dreading the parties, the pressure to be cheerful, or the fear that your anxiety will flare, you are far from alone.

This guide breaks down why holiday anxiety happens, what makes it worse, and the skills and strategies you can use to navigate this season with compassion and clarity.

Why Holiday Anxiety Feels So Intense

It’s Not the Holidays—It’s the Expectations

People often assume holiday stress comes from the events themselves. But for most of us, the pressure stems from:

• Internal expectations you place on yourself (“I should feel happy” or “I should host perfectly”)
• External expectations from family, culture, or tradition (“We always do things this way” or “You should be cheerful”)

These expectations stack up until they tip you into overwhelm.
The good news? Expectations can be adjusted, softened, or released entirely.

 

The Pressure to “Be Happy”

Holidays often come with an unspoken rule:
You should be joyful. You should feel grateful. You should be festive.

But real humans feel a full range of emotions—grief, disappointment, discomfort, fatigue, joy, and everything in between.

Your emotional experience is not wrong.
Every emotion you feel is a human emotion.

 

Why Symptoms Often Increase Around the Holidays

The holiday season can amplify anxiety, depression, OCD symptoms, body image distress, and people-pleasing tendencies. Here are the biggest culprits:

1. Social Anxiety and Overwhelm at Holiday Events

Holiday gatherings come with:

• Increased social interactions
• Expectations to make small talk
• Pressure to stay longer than you want
• Fear of being judged or evaluated
• Comparison (especially fueled by social media)

If you’re introverted or already stretched thin, these events can drain your energy fast.

Skills to Try

Attend if you can — but on your terms.
Think of gatherings as opportunities to practice:

• Mindfulness
• Self-compassion
• Social anxiety exposures

But if you genuinely don’t want to go or need to leave early, you have permission to do so.

Remind yourself:
No one is thinking about you nearly as much as you fear. Most people are managing their own insecurities, too.

 

2. Financial Pressure and Gift-Giving Stress

Gift-giving can trigger guilt, comparison, and financial anxiety—especially when expectations grow bigger every year.

Skills to Try

• Set a realistic budget that honors your limits.
• Communicate openly with loved ones if you want to simplify gift exchanges.
• Remember: Your worth has nothing to do with what you buy.
• Choose meaningful alternatives:
  Handmade gifts, heartfelt cards, or simple acts of kindness often mean more than any expensive item.

 

3. Fear of Being Triggered Again

Many people dread the holidays because of past painful experiences—loss, conflict, trauma, depression, or previous OCD flare-ups.

Skills to Try

• Expect feelings to come up—and know you can handle them.
• Ground yourself in the truth that you are not who you were last year.
• Use the skills you’ve built throughout the year to support yourself.

 

4. OCD Triggers Around the Holidays

The holidays can activate many themes:

• Contamination fears around food handling
• Harm intrusive thoughts when sitting near loved ones
• Religious compulsions during faith-based celebrations
• Moral or perfectionism OCD around the “right” way to celebrate

Skills to Try

• Practice exposure and response prevention (ERP) whenever possible.
• Allow intrusive thoughts to show up without trying to fix or neutralize them.
• Use the holiday season as a chance to practice navigating discomfort with compassion.

 

5. Eating Disorders, Food Anxiety, and Body Image Triggers

Mealtimes and family comments can be incredibly activating. People may comment on:

• Your appearance
• Your weight
• Your food choices
• Your appetite

Skills to Try

• Ground yourself before and after meals.
• Opt out of body talk or diet conversations.
• Wear clothes that feel comfortable and safe, not clothes that feel performative.
• Ask yourself:
  • What food feels good right now?
  • How do I want to nourish my body?
  • What movement feels supportive (not punishing)?

Your job is to protect your peace—not perform for others.

 

6. Fear of Judgment From Loved Ones

Family gatherings often bring up fears like:

• “Will they notice my anxiety?”
• “Will they judge my body?”
• “Will they comment on my career, relationship, or choices?”

Skills to Try

• Let them judge you. Their judgments reflect their own beliefs, not your worth.
• Remember: What others think is not your business.
• Wrap yourself in self-compassion, especially when comments sting.

 

People-Pleasing Peaks During the Holidays

People-pleasing is often fueled by fear, guilt, or the desire to avoid conflict. The holidays amplify this instinct.

Skills to Try

• Practice saying no without over-explaining.
• Set boundaries based on your values, not on what will make others happy.
• Remember:
  Saying no is a loving act toward your mental health.

If you’re saying no because of fear (e.g., anxiety or OCD), challenge yourself gently.
If you’re saying no because it violates your values, give yourself full permission.

Manage Your Energy Like a Battery

Kimberley describes the nervous system as a battery: some activities drain you, and others recharge you.

Skills to Try

• Identify what drains you (social gatherings, long conversations, noise).
• Identify what restores you (quiet time, fresh air, stepping outside).
• Build in intentional breaks—like stepping outside to breathe, stretching, or offering to “take out the trash” (Brené Brown’s favorite trick).

Important Truth: The Holidays Are Not a Test of Your Progress

If you struggle more during this season, it does not mean you’re going backward.
It means you’re human, navigating a universally stressful time.

You are not failing.
You are not broken.
You are doing your best in a difficult season.

 

Rewrite the Story This Year

This year might be different. Truly.

• This might be the year you don’t get triggered the same way.
• This might be the year you practice recovery instead of restriction.
• This might be the year you show up with compassion instead of pressure.
• This might be the year you let “good enough” actually be good enough.

What if you allowed yourself to buy a store-bought dessert?
Skip the makeup?
Wear something comfortable?
Let yourself arrive imperfect and still be worthy?

You do not have to be everything for everyone.
You just have to be you, with your full humanity.

 

A Final Word of Compassion

If the holidays feel hard, stressful, or overstimulating, please know you are deeply understood.
You are allowed to care for yourself.
You are allowed to protect your peace.
You are allowed to put healing before perfection.

And most importantly:
You can get through this season with self-compassion, courage, and small, doable steps.

You’re doing beautifully.

 

The podcast is made possible by NOCD. NOCD offers effective, convenient therapy available in the US and outside the US. To find out more about NOCD, their therapy plans, and if they currently take your insurance, head over to https://learn.nocd.com/youranxietytoolkit

Transcription: Your Holiday Anxiety Isn’t About the Holidays

Welcome to your Anxiety Toolkit. I’m your host, Kimberly Quinlan. This podcast is fueled by three main goals. The first goal is to provide you with some extra tools to help you manage your anxiety. Second goal to inspire you. Anxiety doesn’t get to decide how you live your life. And number three, and I leave the best for last, is to provide you with one big, fat virtual hug.

 

Because experiencing anxiety ain’t easy. If that sounds good to you, let’s go.

 

Your holiday anxiety is not about the holidays. If you are already dreading the holidays, the parties, the gift giving, the endless pressure to be cheerful. You are. Definitely, definitely not alone. The holidays are the most triggering time of the year, but we can work to reduce the stress and the overwhelm.

 

Welcome. This is your anxiety toolkit. This is a podcast where I teach. You. Everything I know about anxiety said that you can go on to live your biggest, most meaningful life. I am an OCD and anxiety specialist. I have a practice in Calabasas, California, and I am on a mission to help people with anxiety suffer less.

 

Now let’s talk about what we’re gonna do today. In this episode, we are going to talk about the reasons why holiday anxiety can be so intense. We’re gonna talk about. Why you might be noticing an increase in your symptoms of anxiety, OCD, depression, body image issues, or even any kind of mental health struggle.

 

And then I’m going to walk you through some compassionate ways you can care for yourself in this season. So let’s get started and get straight to it. Now, the holidays will often. Bring up very big feelings, some really joyful, wonderful feelings. But for many, it’s a time of heightened anxiety. It’s important for you to understand that the stress you’re feeling mightn’t necessarily be because of the holidays themselves.

 

Let me explain what I mean. Often it’s about the. Expectations that come from the holidays. Not always, and we’ll talk about some other examples, but our expectations on ourselves is so high during the holidays that that stress can tippy top us into having all kinds of symptoms. And let’s get to the bottom of how to manage that.

 

Now, of course, when we’re talking about anything anxiety related, you know, here at your anxiety toolkit, we’re always gonna say self-compassion. First always we want to make self-compassion the highest priority during any uncomfortable period, but especially during the holidays, the expectations that are put on us for the holidays are overwhelming.

 

I feel it myself. Now. There is. Pressure to be cheerful. Many people feel like they should be happy, they should be cheerful. They should be filled with love. They should be filled with holiday joy and cheer. But the truth here is you might not. You might have some of that. But you’re probably gonna have a hu a hundred different uncomfortable emotions as well.

 

It could be any emotion. They’re all fine to have every emotion that you feel. I want you to remind yourself they are human emotions, otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling them. All of the emotions you feel are very suitable for human beings. So I wanna normalize all of the emotions. There’s no such thing as a good and a bad and emotion.

 

And because of the pressure, you’re probably gonna feel. A lot of these negative emotions as well as maybe some positive emotions as well. So another thing to remember is most of the holidays distress. Okay, so let’s talk about it. Most of our holiday distress is either caused by internal expectations or.

 

External expectations, whether internal being things we have set for ourselves or external is rules and expectations that other people or cultures are placing on us. It is important for you to recognize that both of these pressures can be dropped or reduced. We can. Go of the expectations, we can let go of the pressures and we can find other ways to cope.

 

And if you’re thinking like, no, I can’t, Kimberly, I have to go to that holiday party, we can talk about ways to make that work for you. We wanna let go of the need to please people over the holidays and we wanna remind ourselves that we’re doing the best. We can. So here’s the thing. We are gonna drop the pressure that the holidays need to look a certain way.

 

Number two, there are specific reasons you might be noticing an increase in anxiety, OCD, depression, body image, and other mental health struggles. Let’s talk about why. Number one, holiday events and social anxiety runs rampant over the holidays because you have holiday parties. They can be really exhausting and maybe you haven’t got a big enough margin to manage that, especially if you’re introverted.

 

People who are introverted do tend to get very drained by a lot of social interaction, which can increase their anxiety. There’s also this. Expectation to make a lot of small talk or to stay longer than you would want, and that, again, can drain your energy. Another thing to remember here is you might be feeling like you have to give people information about how you’ve been for the last year and what you’ve achieved, and you might be feeling a lot of pressure that you haven’t done.

 

Over this last year since you saw Aunt Mildred last year, and that can be really anxiety provoking and bring up a lot of fear of being judged. Social anxiety is often the fear of being judged or social media can make it look like everything is so perfect for everyone else at the party, but you’re having a panic attack and you literally.

 

The pantyhose liners just ran and you’ve got no elastic in your underwear. Like, yeah, I get it. It can feel like we are barely holding it together and everyone looks perfect, but it is really important to remember that what you see on internet and in social media isn’t always the truth. Now, we are always going to give you a toolkit.

 

That is what I try to do every single episode of your anxiety toolkit. I want to give you. Concrete effective skills that you can take with you no matter what we’re discussing. And so let’s talk about some skills that you can try over this holiday period. Number one, go to the event if you can, because you’ll be much happier if you do.

 

I want you to think of this as an opportunity to practice either your mindfulness skills or your self-compassion skills, or your social anxiety exposures. You’re going to use it as an opportunity to to practice what you’ve been practicing all year long. However, please do give yourself permission to decline an invitation if you genuinely don’t wanna go or if you want to leave early, it’s okay if you feel you have to go to the work holiday party if you go, but you excuse yourself.

 

We don’t have to win every single battle, but we wanna stay for as long as we can. We don’t wanna let vere win here. This is not a failure. It’s basically allowing ourselves to take baby steps and while you’re at the event, remind yourself nobody is thinking about you nearly as much as you think they are.

 

They’re probably having the same insecurities that you are. They’re probably feeling the same stress and overwhelm you are about the holidays because you know, this is all difficult time. Now. There will be people who genuinely love the holidays and they’re having a glorious time. We wanna just wish them well.

 

And say to ourselves, it’s okay if that’s not our experience. It’s okay if this isn’t all jolly and fun for me. Again, drop that internal pressure for you to feel feelings that you don’t feel. Another issue that often comes up is the financial stress about gift giving. Right. There’s a lot of expectations around gift giving.

 

The holidays can bring up major guilt if you cannot afford these lavish gifts, or it’s just not your style to give gifts, or you have no idea what to give, you know, your colleague Bill because you don’t even know where the bill has a family or what’s going on. Um, it’s really, really a lot of pressure. So remember, your value is not measured by what you can buy or what you show up with at the holiday.

 

Potluck, please don’t put that pressure on yourself. What we wanna do here with skills is we wanna set a budget that honors, uh, your limits and your, you know, financial situation. And we wanna communicate that clearly. I loved, a couple years ago, my siblings all said, listen, this is getting a little crazy.

 

It’s sort of starting to feel like it’s not even really about the holidays, it’s about just gifts and the. Dollar thing. So let’s just take it back and maybe switch up how we do the holidays or maybe we set a limit, talk about it, be open about it, and if everyone else doesn’t agree and they wanna spend a lot of money, that’s fine.

 

It doesn’t mean you have to. Now, please do not overextend yourself. To try and prove your love for them. A really fun idea is to make them a gift or write them a card. I will be honest, you could buy me a Louis Vuitton handbag, or you could give me a card telling me how much you appreciate my friendship.

 

I would choose the card over the Louis Vuitton handbag any day, and I want you to try and find people. If you’re in a situation, I want you to find the people who value the written word. A genuine gift or whatever you can afford. Please don’t put pressure on yourself and overextend yourself. Now, there’s also a fear of being triggered.

 

Again, this is a huge one for us, anxious folks. We may have had a previous event that triggered us, and this could be the case with OCD or eating disorders or depression or anxiety. Maybe a previous holiday season was a very tough season for us. And the holidays remind us of just how painful that time was, or maybe you had a loss during that time, or maybe some there was a Christmas that really didn’t go well or a Hanukkah that really didn’t go the way you wanted or a Thanksgiving, and you cannot go through these holidays without bringing up inside you memories of that time.

 

Now, again, remind yourself it is okay to have all the emotions. Because you’re gonna have them. I think we all do. I think the ones who actually do really well with the holidays are the ones who accept they’re gonna have the feelings and they’re not alarmed by it when they do. Now, something also to remember here is people with, let’s talk about different conditions.

 

People with OCD often are really afraid of getting triggered that their OCD will get triggered. Maybe it’s contamination and seeing Uncle Jeff like, you know. Cut the Turkey and he hasn’t washed his hands. Or maybe it’s you’re gonna sit next to grandma and you’re having intrusive harm, thoughts about them, or maybe that it’s a religious holiday and you feel like you’re not gonna pray enough, or you’re not having the right feelings, or you aren’t gonna be able to give your.

 

Faith, the energy that it needs this holiday season. There are literally millions of ways in which OCD can target the holidays and make you absolutely terrified. If that is the case for you, please do remind yourself of the gold standard treatment for OCD, which is exposure and response prevention, and.

 

Practice that if you haven’t, um, you can see our online course called your OCD toolkit. It will walk you through how to manage these things during the holidays. So please, if you don’t have a therapist who teaches and treats OCD with exposure and response prevention, head on over to your OCD toolkit and I’ll teach you everything I teach my clients.

 

Same goes for eating disorders. A lot of people I know this was the case for me, is every Christmas, hello, you see your uncle, and the first thing he says is, wow, you’ve gained some weight since last Christmas. Or, gee whiz, your butt’s getting bigger, or What’s going on with those boobs of yours? Like, whoa, what’s happening?

 

Why did you think it was okay to say that? It can be very, very triggering. I remember with my eating disorder, I used to go on a mad diet before the holidays in fear that someone would comment on my body. Geez. I mean, it makes me so sad for the past me. I’m for younger Kimberly, that I had to go through that.

 

But if that’s the case for you, you are definitely not alone. Okay? So if you are looking for effective OCD or BFRB treatment that’s covered by insurance. I’m thrilled to announce to you this week’s sponsor no cd. No CD provides live face-to-face video sessions with licensed therapists who specialize in OCD and related conditions.

 

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No CD is available in all 50 states and even internationally, and accepts most insurance plans, making care affordable and accessible. If you think you might have OCD or a struggling to manage symptoms, there is hope. Book a free call@nocd.com. You don’t have to struggle alone. Big hugs. And now let’s get back to the show.

 

Now depression is another one. You know, with all these feelings. Sometimes when we have these strong feelings, boom, we kind of like fall into a depressive pit. And if that’s something that’s happened to you in the past, yeah, you’re gonna be afraid of it. And if you’re starting to get to the holidays and you’re starting to notice that a lot of people with depression start to worry and have coexisting anxiety about whether they will get depressed again.

 

So absolutely that is something is a very easy time to be triggered. Please again, get the help you need during this time. Get more support. Just so you know, we do have a course for depression as well. Um, you can head on over to CBT School. The course is called Overcoming Depression, so if that’s something you need resources for, that is there for you as well.

 

All right. Skills to try. Remind yourself that no two holidays can be the same. You are not the same as you were last year, and you can cope because you. Went through that and we know that you can. You also know that you have new skills if you’ve been listening to your anxiety toolkit and you can bring those skills into this holiday season so that you can get through this difficult time now, remind yourself you have grown up so much this year.

 

So much has improved by what you’re doing, so I hope you give yourself the kudos you deserve because you have come a long way. And lastly. This might be the year you rewrite your story. This might be the year you don’t get triggered by OCD. It might be the year that you manage your eating disorder without going into restriction or pin binging or purging.

 

It could be your year. Now, another expectation and stressor we have is the fear of being judged by loved ones. I talked about it a little bit in the last one, but as you probably know, some loved ones can be straight up mean, and it took. Makes total sense that you’re anxious. Some might also be really worried.

 

They’ll notice something about you. Maybe they’ll notice that you’re doing compulsions. Maybe they’ll notice that you’re having anxiety. Maybe they’ll notice that you’re not filled with joy and we have to let them judge us. Chances are they’re not judging us. But even if they comment, remind yourself, it doesn’t mean that they are judging you as a being a bad person.

 

Sometimes people mention these things ’cause they actually care and they just don’t know how to communicate that very well. But I have some skills for you. Number one, remember that their judgments are more of a reflection of them than you. Okay. That’s really important. What they think is none of our business, right?

 

So what they think about us, what they judge us with is not our business. We don’t need to know. We don’t need to care. We don’t need to change ourselves. We’re doing the best we can, and that is all we can ask. You of. So please give yourself grace. And again, this is sort of where I would encourage you to say, allow them to judge you.

 

Just let them, let, let them have their feelings about you. It’ll pass for them, it’ll pass for you, and we can actually wrap ourselves in compassion and remind ourselves again. Geez, this is a tough season and I’ve got a lot on my plate. And the fact that I’m managing anxiety while I’m doing this is pretty freaking cool.

 

Now food, body image, and holiday triggers are definitely a thing. Meals and food centered events can be. Overwhelmingly triggered for people, especially if you have body image or body dysmorphic disorder or any kind of eating related anxiety or an eating disorder. Family, as I’ve talked about, can make really insensitive comments about how much you’re eating, how little you’re eating, you’re not eating the right things, or you know, people.

 

Again, you, I don’t want you to go off on a bandwagon here. People can say some silly things. Your job here is to practice compassion and ground yourself before and after meals. If you need to step away, take a minute, come back, ground yourself by reminding yourself that you know that their beliefs don’t make it right.

 

A lot of people get triggered because everyone on the holidays talking about food, oh my God, this is so bad for me, and that’s really triggering for them as well. Or this is so, you know, this is, you know, contaminated or look at this and the expiration dates. It can be really hard for people. You can also opt out conversations about diets and bodies.

 

It’s okay. You’re allowed to protect your peace. You could say, listen, I’d really prefer not to talk about, it’s a difficult topic for me, so I’m gonna opt out. I really stress this one. Wear comfy clothes that you feel comfortable and beautiful in. If it means that you wear baggier clothes or more flowy clothes, or it’s not like holiday season clothes, but like I’m wearing right now, this delicious, warm sweater that is so soft.

 

If you feel better in that and it’s not a holiday dress, that’s fine, just. Wear what’s good for you. This, we want you to be comfortable. We want you to feel delicious in what you’re wearing. Spend some time on focusing, nourishing your body. Here are some questions I want you to ask. What feels good to eat right?

 

What does your body want or need at this time? What movement will feel good to you? Everyone might be talking about the new holiday, the holiday diet they’re going on, or the holiday fitness classes that they’re going to. Just really get clear before you go to the holidays. What feels good to you, what doesn’t feel good to you?

 

If it doesn’t feel good to you to eat a certain kind of food, because I don’t know, it makes you gassy. Don’t eat it. You don’t have to be forced to eat something you don’t want to eat. Now people pleasing is such a huge expectation. The holidays bring up all of our people pleasing behaviors. Now I want you to practice these skills practice saying no if you don’t wanna do it, and it doesn’t line up with your values.

 

Practice saying No. Get very clear on what is important to you, not what’s important to auntie. Any get important to you. Here are some things to remember. You don’t need a good enough excuse to set a boundary If somebody is getting in your space and you feel like it’s harmful to you or your mental health.

 

You don’t need to have set done enough people pleasing to be able to set a boundary. You can say, I love you, but I’m not gonna be able to do that, or I don’t wanna talk about that. Saying no is not selfish. It is a loving act towards you and your mental health. Now, if you’re saying no because you are having anxiety, that’s a different story.

 

I want you to try and bet your best to challenge yourself because as we know, it’s always a beautiful day to do hard things, right? But if you genuinely don’t want. To go or you don’t want to, you know, engage in an activity over the holidays that. You really just doesn’t line up with your values. Saying no is a loving, compassionate act.

 

Now, another thing to remember is managing energy during the holidays. This is a big one for me. Imagine your nervous system as a battery. What activities charge it and what activities drain it and use this as your compass. My energy battery runs very, very fast in social settings. I love people. I love human beings, but I can handle human beings for about an hour.

 

After that, I need a little break. Not because I don’t love them, not because I don’t value them, it’s just my battery. It runs out and I have to honor that. So I might go and take a few moments to sit outside by myself and just take some breaths or sip on some tea, and then I’ll come back and I’ll be okay.

 

I often love this and I remember Brene Brown saying during the holidays, always be the one to offer to take out the trash because it will give you a little break taking the trash out, even if you maybe just. Do a couple circles of the trash can give you a second to reboot before you come back in to face the family again.

 

Now, here are some things to remember. The holidays are not a test of how well you are coping because they’re really hard, so you might be doing really well. And let’s say you fall apart over the holidays and you, your skills are down and your sleep is down and you’re overwhelmed and you’re not coping as well.

 

That doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. The holidays are stressful. So please give yourself some grace. You’re not. Broken because this season feels hard and uncomfortable. It is hard for most people, whether you’re navigating strain relationships or stretch finances, or you’re just trying to keep your head above water.

 

I see you. I hope you feel really, really seen and understood in this episode, and I hope you’ve taken at least one, maybe three or four tips that you can practice over the holiday period. Now, here are some final words before we finish up. What if this year you gave yourself permission not to do it all?

 

Maybe you bought a cake or a pie instead of making it, maybe you don’t get all dressed up and you go to the holiday party. This was me last Thanksgiving. I’m like, just not gonna put makeup on. Just gonna wear a nice, cool, comfy tracksuit pants and track top. It’s gonna be fine. What if you gave yourself permission?

 

Not to be all the things for all the people. What if you let good enough actually be good enough? No one’s gonna remember the gift you gave them in 10 years from now. What if you allowed yourself to protect your energy by prioritizing your healing, honoring your truth, even during the holidays? That is what I want to take away.

 

Thank you so much. If the holidays are hard, we will get through these. Before you know it, it’ll be back to 2026. We’ll be back together and we are gonna make an amazing year together. I had so, so exciting things to share with you next year, so I cannot wait. Thank you for being here. I know how precious your time is and now valuable your time is, so thank you for spending your time with me.

 

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