The Fear of Judgment: How to Stop Worrying About What Others Think | Ep. 428
In this episode, Kimberley Quinlan shares practical tools to help you stop fearing judgment and start living more freely, even when anxiety is along for the ride.
What You’ll Learn:
- Why caring what others think isn’t a problem—but fearing it can be
- How the Spotlight Effect tricks your brain into thinking everyone’s watching
- The real voice behind your fear of judgment (hint: it’s not other people)
- A powerful mindset shift to stop performing and start connecting
- How to use Rejection Therapy to build confidence and resilience
- Simple ways to bring more playfulness and presence into social situations
Content
How to Stop Worrying About What Others Think: Strategies to Quiet the Fear of Judgment
Do you ever feel like everyone’s watching you, silently judging your every move? That fear of judgment can be so intense, it keeps you stuck—afraid to show up, speak up, or step out of your comfort zone.
In this episode of Your Anxiety Toolkit, therapist and anxiety specialist Kimberley Quinlan helps us uncover the root of that fear, understand how it fuels social anxiety, and walk through powerful mindset shifts and science-backed strategies to quiet the noise of other people’s opinions.
Let’s break it down into easy, actionable steps.
First, Let’s Be Real: We All Want to Be Liked
Kimberley starts by reminding us something important: wanting to be liked isn’t a problem. It’s human. Connection is a basic human need, and caring what others think is part of that.
The issue isn’t caring—it’s when the fear of judgment gets so big that it interferes with your life. So, ask yourself:
- Does the fear of judgment stop me from trying new things?
- Do I hold back in conversations, work, school, or relationships?
- Do I avoid situations just to dodge the possibility of criticism?
If the answer is yes, keep reading.
Understanding the Spotlight Effect
One of the biggest thinking errors in social anxiety is the Spotlight Effect. This is the belief that everyone is paying close attention to you—all the time. But guess what? They’re not.
Most people are too busy worrying about themselves.
Research shows people are far more forgiving than we think.
What feels like a disaster to you? Others probably didn’t even notice.
You are not under a constant microscope—no matter how it feels.
The Real Voice You’re Hearing? Your Inner Critic
When we think others are judging us harshly, it’s often our inner critic doing the heavy lifting. That critical voice in your head may be leftover from past experiences or unkind messages you internalized in childhood.
Here’s a truth bomb 💣:
Just because your inner critic says something doesn’t make it true.
In fact, that voice rarely represents reality. Instead, it keeps you trapped in fear, shame, and over-analysis.
Try This: A Reality Check Exercise
When the fear of judgment kicks in, pause and ask:
- What’s actually happening?
- Are people really paying that much attention to me?
- Is this my inner critic talking, or reality?
This quick check can help ground you and reduce unnecessary anxiety.
Focus Less on Performance, More on Connection
One game-changing shift Kimberley suggests:
Stop trying to “perform.” Start focusing on connection and values.
Instead of:
- “I have to say everything perfectly.”
- “I need everyone to like me.”
Try:
- “Why am I here? What do I care about?”
- “Who do I want to connect with today?”
When you lead with your values, not your fear, you show up more authentically—and that’s where real confidence grows.
Give Yourself Permission to Be Imperfect
We are all a mix of perfect and imperfect. And that’s okay.
Practice self-compassion:
- Let yourself be human.
- Let yourself be a little messy.
- Let yourself be you.
The more you accept your humanity, the less power judgment holds over you.
Be Present (Not in Your Head)
If you’re stuck ruminating or replaying what you said or did in your head, you’re missing what’s happening right in front of you. Being mindful helps you:
- Notice your surroundings
- Hear the laughter, the music, the conversation
- See people’s actual reactions (not what your brain assumes)
Mindfulness brings you back to the present—and out of the spiral of worry.
The Big Strategy: Rejection Therapy
Ready for a bold (but wildly effective) strategy?
It’s called Rejection Therapy, and it’s all about doing things on purpose that might get you judged or rejected.
Yep, you read that right.
Here’s how it works:
- Make a list of 15–20 harmless ways to potentially get rejected.
- Try them out! Some examples:
- Ask a stranger for a dollar
- Wear mismatched socks in public
- Dance or sing in public
- Wear something goofy and say “hi” to people
The goal isn’t to be disruptive—it’s to prove to your brain that rejection is survivable. That being imperfect is okay. That people don’t react as harshly as you think.
And guess what? With repetition, it works.
Imperfect and Helpful Is Better Than Perfect and Paralyzed
Kimberley shares how this very podcast started as her own rejection therapy challenge. She let go of trying to be perfect, focused on being helpful, and kept showing up—flaws and all.
Thousands of people have found support through her podcast, not because it’s perfect, but because it’s real.
Your Homework: Practice Imperfection
This week, your challenge is to:
- Do one small thing that feels imperfect or risky
- Notice how others respond (or don’t!)
- Practice self-compassion when that inner critic pipes up
- Play, laugh, and connect—without taking yourself so seriously
Remember, the antidote to judgment is authenticity, playfulness, and connection. You don’t have to earn your place in the room. You already belong.
You’ve got this. 💛
Now go out and let yourself be seen—awkward moments and all.
Transcription: The Fear of Judgment: How to Stop Worrying About What Others Think
Do you constantly worry about what people think of you, like you’re silently being judged or rejected without even realizing it, that fear can be paralyzing. In this episode, we are uncovering the root of the fear of judgment, how it feeds social anxiety and the exact mindset shifts. You need to stop giving so much power to other people’s opinions.
Welcome to your Anxiety Toolkit podcast, where I bring you all the virtual hugs and practical strategies to help you face your fears and live. Each day with courage and compassion. My name is Kimberly Quinlan. I am a licensed therapist and anxiety specialist, and today we’re talking about how to stop worrying about what others think of you, whether you’re struggling with anxiety, social anxiety, OCD, panic or perfectionism.
This episode is your space to learn science back tools, and to build a life you love, even when fear is on board. So let’s get going.
Okay, so I get it. Everybody hates being judged. Well actually. Most people hate being judged, but that’s not technically a bad thing. In fact. I always sort of question those who say they don’t give a crap what other people think, because at that point, at what degree are you completely disconnected from other human beings and being in connection with.
People. I don’t hate the idea that I don’t wanna be judged. I want people to like me. I’m not afraid to admit that. But what we wanna do here is catch whether your need to avoid other people’s judgment is interfering with your daily functioning, interfering with you connecting. With other people. That’s what we’re really talking about today.
The wish to be in connection and the wish to be enjoyed by other people is nothing to pathologize. It is a normal part of human, human beings. That being said, we also have to understand that from a biological standpoint, we. Need to be in connection. We want to be a part of the tribe per se, and so we first just have to acknowledge that science back piece of the work here as well.
Now, when you are so afraid of judgment that it interferes with your relationships, your work. Your academics, how you feel about yourself. That is what we’re talking about today. And so what I first want you to do, if you’re listening or watching, is to just check in and ask yourself, how much is the fear of judgment impacting my life?
Does it prevent me from doing the things I love? Does it stop me from. Trying to succeed, reach for my goals, push myself out of my comfort zone. If so, let’s talk about some strategies that you can use moving forward so that you can stop worrying so much about what others think. Now there is a concept in social anxiety that I first want you to understand, and we have talked about it here on the podcast before, and that is the concept of the spotlight effect.
Now, this is a very well-known theory or phenomenon that occurs where when we are in social settings, we feel like. The world is watching us that we’re in this black room and there is a spotlight, a very large, bright spotlight only on us, and everybody is looking at us and noticing us and focusing on every little small move that we make.
This is an error in thinking in that we think we are magnifying what we think people are noticing. And the truth of the matter is people are not noticing every move you make. They’re mostly thinking about themselves. They’re mostly trying to figure out what’s going on in their life, whether they’re being judged, whether they’re performing well.
They’re not watching your every single. Move and they’re not judging your every single move. Research shows that people are much more forgiving than we think they are, and we must understand that in order to, when we go out into public situations and we start to solve or try to figure out what. They think about us.
Now, the next important thing to remember is most of the time when my patients tell me that they’re afraid of what other people are thinking and they’re afraid of being judged, it is usually the inner critic. That is doing the judging. It is them. That’s doing the judging. They have an internal, inner critic that is analyzing and assessing everything they do, and they are assuming that’s what other people are thinking too.
But the truth is, your inner critic isn’t a form of reality either. It is not factual. It is usually comes from childhood messages that we received. You know from other people. People we like, people we didn’t like people who bullied us, and that internal narrative has taken its place and is now narrating what happened.
- And you’ve gone into the trap of believing everything that you think. So let me tell you a personal story about this. A couple of months ago I was at a luncheon. I was with a friend and on the way home. From the luncheon, my friend said, oh my gosh, did you notice how completely awkward I was when such and such brought up that one topic?
I was freaking out. I couldn’t get my sentences together. I look like such an idiot, and I genuinely had no idea. What she was talking about, and I’m not somebody who misses things either. Like I’m not one of those people who is oblivious to what’s going on around me, like I’m in pretty in tune. She was like, oh my gosh, I was a total disaster.
She said, it took me like a solid 15 minutes to get over it. And again, I was thinking, I, seriously, I was there for that conversation and I didn’t notice a thing. She was like, my heart was racing. I couldn’t barely get my words out. And that is a perfect example of what her inner critic’s narration was compared to what it was actually like to be with her in that event and at that luncheon.
And so I want you to think about this is how much of your inner critic is actually telling the story and how much is actual reality now? I don’t want you to get into like a over analysis of trying to figure that out. I just want you to take note that I am guessing. 15% of what you think was horrible about an event or how you showed up, or how you look or how you acted, right?
What any part of it is what other people notice now, even in the instance where people do screw up or say the wrong thing, people aren’t as harsh as you think they are. People are generally pretty forgiving. And again, I think people don’t think black and white like we assume they do that they’re not thinking they’re good people, bad people.
They’re good and bad. They’re good and bad. Oh, that thing they said was a little awkward, therefore they’re bad. People don’t think like that. People are more nuanced than that generally. But we are inner critic. We constantly are trying to put ourselves in the good and bad categories, and that is what’s getting us into trouble.
So what we wanna do is remember these main core pieces and remember that again, people don’t notice half or even a quarter of what you think they notice. Now let’s talk about some skills, some practices that you are going to need to practice so that you can stop letting fear of judgment control you.
Number one, do that reality check. People are more focused on themselves. People have big problems. The world is really hard right now. Give yourself some slack. Number two. Stop focusing on being in performance mode and focus on connecting or values. Why are you even there? Are you there just to get people’s approval?
What’s your intention in being there? Is it to like I was at a luncheon. My intention to be there was to support the person who had the luncheon and to donate money. If you are at school. Your intention could be to learn instead of being focused on getting approval, it could be to help someone be in connection with someone simply to exist.
Take the pressure off being in performance mode, practice being in connection, or being authentic. That is where we actually get fulfillment from these experiences. The next step is be kind. Accept that you are a human being. You deserve to just be who you are. Practice self-acceptance for yourself. We are both beautiful, perfect humans who are imperfect and messy.
That is the facts. Please acknowledge that and give yourself permission to be exactly that. The next step is be a little mindful if you can be in the moment. If my friend at that luncheon was being present, she also would’ve noticed. What else was going on? The tea? We were drinking the scones. We were eating the sound of the music in the room, or the sound of the chatter of the room.
She would’ve noticed my facial expression and my opinion about the thing or somebody else’s opinion. Maybe she would’ve been curious about, oh, there’s other opinions about certain things and let’s be in communication and connection about this topic that we all don’t agree on. But that’s okay. So we wanna bring our attention to being as present as we can.
Not up here in our heads doing a tally of what judgments we think that they’re having. Now, this last piece of advice is probably number one. So in order I would do these in order of. Easiest to hardest. This one being the hardest and also the least important, maybe to the most important. Well, not least important.
I shouldn’t say that more so. How much bang for your buck you get. So this is what I really wanna hone in on. There is a particular form of cognitive behavioral therapy that we practice with people with social anxiety, and it is called rejection therapy for those of my clients who have a severe and significant fear of being judged, what we do is we go out and we practice being rejected on purpose.
Yes. On purpose, we identify ways that we can get rejected, maybe between 15 to 20, and we make it our goal to go out and do those things as many times as possible. We try for people to say no to us. We try to get rejected. We try to make a fool of ourselves. We try to be judged. I’ve had clients wear different colored socks, put.
Pepper in their teeth and go and say good morning to people. Uh, wear funny looking clothes. I’ve had clients go and ask random strangers for the time, if that’s really anxiety provoking for them. I’ve had clients, they’ve all agreed to these too, by the way. They’ve, they’ve said that this is important to them, and they’ve practiced.
Maybe they go up and they say, excuse me. Would you be a, uh, lend me a dollar? Most people say, no. But they practice being rejected. We are not doing this to be annoying. We’re not doing this to harm other people in our public. We are doing it so that we can practice being judged. When I first started doing this podcast, it was actually a part of rejection therapy treatment.
I noticed that. I felt like everyone needed me to be perfect and produce these highly perfect, you know, groomed. You know, well created podcast. And at that point it was stopping me. I was actually starting to like stop recording. And so I was like, okay, we’ve gotta do rejection therapy. Let’s just throw the script out and let’s just practice doing it imperfectly and let’s let people judge us.
And through that I habituated. I learned that. Number one, people didn’t care so much. Number two, when I put the emphasis on helping other people instead of worrying about what they judged me about, it helped people. People enjoyed it. They felt a connection with me, and up until now, thousands of people have reached out and said how helpful the podcast has been.
I’ve never met any of them, and I did it all while being imperfect. Maybe they even didn’t like some of the things I said, but that’s okay too. And so finding these opportunities to practice, being rejected, being judged, being imperfect can be so powerful. Once you’ve practiced it, I’d say 15 to 30 times, you’re gonna start to see, oh wow, this is totally tolerable.
Oh wow, I can actually do this. Oh, wow. It’s actually more fun to show up being a little more like. In your body, a little more imperfect, a little more en in enjoyment of it, a little more playful. The playfulness piece is so important as we did rejection therapy. I’ve had clients practice dancing in public, singing in public, walking backwards in public.
They’ve chosen to do these things ’cause they had a degree of playfulness in them, and they found that as they practice this. They started to take themselves less seriously, and that’s what I want for you. Take yourself less seriously. Be in connection with your joy and your creativity, and your playfulness, and your connection and your love for other humans.
That is the antidote to fearing other people’s judgment. All right. Thank you so much for being here. Your homework is to go and find ways that you can show up imperfectly and connected and playfully and creatively. If that lines up with you, have a wonderful week. I’ll see you in the next episode.
Please note that this podcast or any other resources from cbt school.com should not replace professional mental health care. If you feel you would benefit, please reach out to a provider in your area. Have a wonderful day, and thank you for supporting cbt school.com.
