What is Sexual Orientation OCD (SO-OCD)? Everything You Need To Know

Sexual orientation OCD (SO-OCD) is an OCD subtype that is characterized by immense fears about an individual’s sexual orientation.

This subtype was originally referred to as HOCD (homosexual OCD), but SO-OCD affects people of all sexual orientations. HOCD is now only used to describe those who very specifically struggle with homosexual obsessions.

Those with SO-OCD are plagued with highly distressing intrusive thoughts and urges that make them doubt their true sexual orientation.

There is a constant battle with these obsessions to try and find a sense of certainty because the unresolved questions can become unbearable and greatly diminish their quality of life and relationships.

As with all OCD, the sheer unrelenting doubt can make you question your identity which can be a tortuous experience in and of itself.

What is Sexual Orientation OCD?

Sexual orientation OCD involves uncertainty, fear, and doubt surrounding one’s sexual orientation.

This may present itself as fears of being homosexual in someone who is heterosexual. Fears of being heterosexual in someone who is homosexual. Fears of simply not knowing what your sexual orientation is. You may identify as bisexual, asexual, or transexual and have fears that challenge what you believe your sexuality to be. This subtype applies to any person of any sexual orientation.

Ultimately, it revolves around fears that challenge your sexual orientation, whatever that may happen to be.

For those with this subtype, persistent and troubling obsessions in the form of thoughts, images, urges, feelings, and sensations, plague the sufferer. While we all experience fleeting thoughts about being attracted to a particular sex we wouldn’t usually consider, non-OCD sufferers can brush these thoughts aside fairly quickly.

Those with SO-OCD fixate on these obsessions in the search for meaning.

They might think, why would I have this thought if it didn’t mean anything? Surely the urge to kiss them must mean something? How can I be (straight/gay) if I find that person attractive?

There’s immense urgency to try and find answers to these questions. The sufferer wants to gain certainty that they are who they think they are, so they don’t feel as though they are lying to themselves or someone they love.

In order to gain such certainty, they engage in physical and mental compulsions – ritualistic behaviors that temporarily relieve the anxiety and uncertainty, but actually, keep the OCD cycle in motion.

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Because this subtype attacks the individual’s identity and ability to trust themselves and their body. The distress can make it hard to engage in romantic or physical intimacy because they don’t know if their feelings for the person are pure.

Likewise, some have deep relenting fears about the judgment of others, believing that if they did happen to be of a different sexual orientation, their friends or family may turn away from them.

Symptoms of Sexual Orientation OCD

The two core components of any OCD subtype are obsessions and compulsions. 

Sexual Orientation OCD Obsessions: 

• What if I am of a different sexual orientation, and I don’t know?

• I saw my male friend yesterday and we always have such a good time. I felt a sensation in my genitals (groinal response) does that mean I’m attracted to my friend? What would my wife think if she knew about this?

• How would I be able to show myself in my religious community if it turns out I am of a particular sexual orientation?

• What if I’m straight/gay and I don’t love my partner the way I think I do?

• What will my queer friends think of me if it turns out I’m actually straight?

• How can I not be attracted to anyone? Is there something wrong with me?

• How can I be attracted to all genders? Is there something wrong with me?

• I get sexually aroused when watching porn of (two women/a heterosexual couple) when I’m (straight/gay). What does that mean about me?

• What if I’ve been (straight/gay/bisexual) my entire life and I never knew it? What if I’ve been lying to myself and my partner all these years?

Sexual Orientation OCD Compulsions:

• Mentally ruminating about your sexual orientation. Losing hours trying to find answers to your questions or trying to prove that you are or are not of a certain sexual orientation.

• Avoiding people, places or things that trigger your intrusive thoughts. Someone with SO-OCD may avoid seeing certain friends, watching certain movies, or reading certain books that might trigger their obsessions.

• Checking for physical sensations. Those with this subtype can hyper fixate on bodily sensations, such as the groinal response, scanning their body for signs of sexual arousal. 

• Reassurance-seeking is very common with SO-OCD. A person with sexual orientation OCD may ask friends if they have similar thoughts and whether or not it’s ‘normal’ to have them. They may ask whether they think it’s a sign that they are of a different sexual persuasion and whether those thoughts actually mean anything.

• You might test yourself by looking at others, either strangers or people you know, and asking yourself if you’re attracted to them/their gender. 

• You might engage in excessive research by Googling “how to know if I’m [gay, bisexual, lesbian, asexual, pansexual, polyamorous, straight, etc.].”

• If you engage in masturbation, you might watch pornography or other TV or online content in the hope of confirming or denying your obsessions.

How does it feel to live with Sexual Orientation OCD?

Sexual Orientation OCD often comes with a great deal of shame.

For some who is raised in a particularly religious household, certain sexual orientations may make them question their faith and their devotion to their religion. Within that, they may fear being rejected by their religious community and so may keep their struggles to themselves even though they desperately need support.

Likewise, someone with sexual orientation obsessions may not want to appear homophobic by questioning whether or not they are really straight. Or in the reverse example, they may not want to be outcast from their queer community for having thoughts of heterosexuality.

Simply being around people can be highly triggering and so this can be a very isolating subtype as avoidance is a common compulsion.

OCD also zaps our energy. 

Within this subtype, there are micro-moments throughout the day that can provoke hours of rumination and internal torture. Suppose you walk down the street and brush the arm of someone of the opposite sex when you consider yourself homosexual.

Suddenly you’re trapped in an exhausting rumination loop of questions:

Why did I feel like I liked touching them?

Why did I look back? I feel like I stared for a little too long.

I felt like I may have butterflies in my stomach, what does that mean?

I’m sure I blushed, why would I blush if I didn’t hope they noticed me?

What if I touched them on purpose?

What if my partner noticed what happened? What would they think?

Although thoughts like these are not necessarily vicious or violent, like those experienced in harm OCD or pedophilia OCD, they are still incredibly disturbing for the sufferer as the doubt can feel unbearable.

Added to this, SO-OCD can then cause problems within relationships.

A person with this subtype may find it difficult to perform sexually. They may over-compensate for their fears by smothering their partner with love and affection. They may become more distant due to the fear and shame that comes with the belief that they have perhaps been lying to themselves and their partner.

Is it Sexual Orientation OCD, or denial?

SO-OCD is not a denial of your sexual orientation. 

OCD attacks your values and feeds off your doubts. While we all experience obsessions and compulsions to a degree in life, if it affects your quality of life and interferes with your daily activities, then they would be classed as OCD.

A common misconception in OCD is that we give those intrusive thoughts more weight and validity than necessary.

We assume that they must mean something about us. Otherwise, why would we have them?

In reality, thoughts are just thoughts. Thoughts are not facts. Just because we have them, doesn’t mean we need to give them our attention.

For example, two heterosexual females may watch lesbian porn. One may feel perfectly comfortable and content doing this knowing that she is still attracted to men and that it’s perfectly common to engage in a form of fantasy without it challenging her sexual orientation.

Someone with SO-OCD, however, may question why they chose to watch lesbian porn over heterosexual porn. And the reason is that OCD plays on our fears.

She may wonder, why do I find this arousing? Why did I choose to watch this? Does this mean I don’t really love my husband?

This person is not in denial about her sexual orientation. She is simply battling with OCD.

Can OCD change who I am attracted to?

It is understandable that those with sexual orientation OCD may question whether or not OCD can change who they find attractive.

The simple answer is, no. 

OCD cannot change who you find attractive. 

This question simply becomes another form of rumination, a compulsive behavior done to alleviate the doubt and uncertainty around one’s sexual orientation. It may be tempting to Google this further and dig deeper, so consider this an opportunity to practice accepting the answer you have been given here today.

It thrives off your fears of losing your sexual identity, which leaves a sense of urgency to answer questions just like this one.

Unfortunately, sex is a taboo topic in many societies, so talking about it can be difficult at the best of times. For that reason, many do not understand how fluid sexual arousal is.

You’d be far-fetched to find someone who hasn’t experienced stimulating thoughts about someone they wouldn’t normally engage with sexually.

Treatment for Sexual Orientation OCD

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) with Exposure Response Prevention Therapy (ERP) has been proven to have a high track record of success with all OCD subtypes.

The therapy consists of two main components: to change your relationship with your thoughts and behaviors (this is the CBT component) and stop letting intrusive thoughts control your life and resist the urge to do compulsions (this is the ERP component).

The major goal of therapy is to get back to living your life and functioning at your highest.

To begin therapy, your therapist will first educate you on the intricacies of OCD and the tools used to manage this condition so you feel equipped with the knowledge to begin putting the methodologies into practice.

During therapy, you will work together with your therapist to create a hierarchy of exposures that gradually challenge you to face situations that may trigger your obsessions so you can begin managing your response to them.

Although this sounds scary, your therapist will only ever ask you to try exposures that feel achievable. You will be met where you’re at, and you will work at your pace.

The idea behind these exposures is to teach your brain that you are capable of managing uncertainty and anxiety, and do not need compulsive safety behaviors in order to cope.

For SO-OCD, exposures could include:

• Having lunch with a friend who you fear you may be attracted to while resisting the urge to check for the groinal response.

• Watching certain movies that you would normally avoid, while resisting the urge to ruminate over who you are and are not attracted to.

• You may go out in public with your partner without checking to see if they have noticed you noticing others.

Over time, you will find that the anxiety and uncertainty decrease and you feel capable of living your day-to-day life without the need to engage in those compulsive behaviors.

You can regain your sense of identity and feel confident in yourself, and your relationships again.

Private Therapy

Starting OCD treatment can seem daunting.

When our clients come to us, there’s often a high degree of hesitation and skepticism. After all, facing your fears probably doesn’t seem like a lot of fun, so how do you know if it’s worth it?

Well, our team of highly qualified mental health professionals are proud to use ERP which studies have shown to be up to 80% effective.

Clients come to us afraid and doubtful.

They know they can’t carry on living this way but they just aren’t sure that recovery is possible for them. We quickly show them that it is!

When you come to us, you’ll be met with an elite team of licensed OCD specialists who are invested in your recovery.

You’ll be met without judgment and you won’t be asked to do anything that you don’t feel you can manage.

We’re going to work on this together.

A life where SO-OCD doesn’t rule every waking hour of our day is not as far away as you might think.

If you’re interested to see how we can support you and you’re based in California or Arizona, please submit an initial intake form here.

We would be honored to assist your OCD recovery.

Online Program

If private therapy isn’t currently an option for you, OCD specialist Kimberley Quinlan has created an affordable online program called ERP SCHOOL that is accessible to everyone.

You will learn the exact tools and techniques given to those in a private therapy setting, and you will understand how to apply them to your specific SO-OCD obsessions and compulsions.

By the end of the program, you will have the knowledge and understanding to stop letting your intrusive thoughts ruin your life and relationships and resist the urge to do compulsions that keep you trapped in the SO-OCD Cycle.

Join ERP SCHOOL here.