(ROCD) Relationship OCD: A Complete Guide
Relationship OCD (ROCD) is an OCD subtype in which the sufferer is plagued by distressing and persistent doubts about their most valued relationships. These unwanted obsessions thrive in the uncertainty surrounding the quality of the relationship and their love for their partner or child.
Those with ROCD may question the following:
- Their love for their partner or child.
- Their partner’s love for them.
- Whether they are well-suited for their partner.
- Whether or not they are truly attracted to their partner
- Whether they should be in this relationship or not.
It is incredibly common for anyone in a relationship to experience moments of doubt. However, ROCD sufferers feel trapped in the overwhelm of these intrusive and unwanted thoughts & feelings (or perceived lack of feelings).
Increased energy and time can be lost trying to find the solution to the uncertainty surrounding their relationships which, over time, can greatly impair their quality of life and the quality of the relationship itself.
The good news is that ROCD is highly treatable and you can regain comfort and a sense of security within your romantic relationships again.
It is important to note that relationship OCD does not just apply to romantic relationships. ROCD can attach itself to relationships with one’s children, friends, family, religious figures, or any other relationship that one may deem of value.
Content
What is Relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD involves uncertainty, fear, and doubt surrounding the purity and intention of one’s relationships.
In typical OCD fashion, one might find themselves in a seemingly happy and loving relationship only to find that those doubtful thoughts cause immense distress by challenging the validity of that love.
Even if the sufferer finally believes they have found themselves Mr/Mrs Right, OCD is there to question whether or not this is true.
Anyone with OCD can struggle in their relationships.
Those relentless obsessions and repetitive compulsions can severely impact the quality of the relationship, whether those obsessions are relationship-focused, or not.
However, in ROCD the relationship itself becomes the source of those fears and the core obsession.
Our relationships could arguably be one of the most important things in life, as it connects us to those who we love most. So it is unsurprising that OCD can latch on to those relationships and feed off those doubts that commonly arise.
ROCD suffers strive for certainty that their relationship is ‘correct’ or ‘the right one’.
They may also look for some sort of guarantee that how they feel about the relationship is correct. When those intrusive thoughts arise, those with ROCD feel compelled to try and solve them.
They engage in physical or mental compulsions such as constantly “checking” their bodies or emotions for evidence of love and attraction (or the purity of that love), for example. Or they might ruminate on what has been said or done, looking for a sign that things are as they should be.
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This OCD subtype can be incredibly painful for those who wish to have deep and fulfilling relationships with someone they love. The compulsive behaviors can lead to hours of rumination and add immense strain to the relationship.
When clients come to work with our team of highly qualified mental health professionals, we work together to develop the effective skills to manage those intrusive thoughts so that you feel confident in who you are as an individual and a partner, even when those obsessions arise.
ROCD Symptoms
Symptoms of relationship OCD will vary from person to person, but these are some common examples of how OCD affects relationships.
Obsessions
- Urgent, intrusive thoughts surrounding the need to know whether your relationship (can apply to romantic relationships and friendships) is “the one.”
- Intrusive thoughts during sexual intimacy, infidelity or “impurity” of one’s love.
- Fearing that you’re not good enough for your partner
- Fearing that your partner isn’t good enough for you
- Questioning what it means to find someone else attractive
- Fears about your partner’s relationship with an ex
- Fears about what might happen if they find out ‘who you really are’
- Fears that you don’t have enough love, or the right love, for your child compared to people you see on social media.
Compulsions
- Mentally ruminating on whether your partner/friend is a good person
- Mentally ruminating on whether the relationship is healthy or toxic
- Mentally checking for emotions of love and fulfillment toward your partner, child, or loved one.
- Compulsively seeking reassurance that your obsessions are not true, i.e., asking your friends if what they think of your relationship, asking your partner if your relationship is right, etc.
- Avoidance of topics, things, and places that trigger uncertainty about your relationship.
- Self-punishment for the content of thoughts.
- Checking your body for signals of love or attraction while with the person in question
- Googling “signs of a healthy relationship,” “signs of a toxic relationship,” etc.
- If you engage in masturbation and have fantasies that don’t involve your partner, you ruminate over what that means
- Hearing other people’s love stories and comparing them to yours for any signs that it’s “not really love”
Common ROCD intrusive thoughts
- What if there is someone out there who is better suited?
- Why aren’t my feelings stronger?
- Why don’t I feel more love for this person?
- What if I say something to upset them, and they leave me?
- What if I’m not attracted to them the way I should be?
- I can’t see anything other than this one flaw, what if that’s a sign that we shouldn’t be together?
- You don’t deserve to be in this relationship, they are too good for you.
- They’re going to find out who I really am, and then they will leave.
- What if I made the wrong decision, and I’m stuck with them forever?
Types of Relationship OCD
There are two main ways that ROCD presents itself: relationship-centered and partner-focused.
Obsessions and compulsions present in different ways depending on the type of ROCD the sufferer experiences.
Relationship-centered
In relationship-centered ROCD, the sufferer struggles with obsessions that are relationship-focused.
This might look like extreme anxiety and overwhelm over fears about whether or not the relationship as a whole is the ‘right’ one, how they feel toward their partner, or how their partner feels toward them.
For someone who struggles with relationship-centered obsessions, they try to neutralize these feelings by engaging in compulsions such as rumination or reassurance-seeking to validate their feelings and the strength of the relationship.
They may also avoid relationships entirely because of these obsessions.
Partner-focused
Partner-focused ROCD symptoms look like relentless obsessions surrounding their partner’s perceived flaws in appearance, morality, intelligence, or social aptitude.
As our intimate relationships progress, it is common for us to move through the honeymoon period where we typically think of our new partners as perfect in every way, and start paying greater attention to their real or imagined faults.
It is in accepting these ‘faults’ or ‘flaws’ (and placing our attention on the parts that we value in the relationship and about the person) that we can engage in a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. After all, no one is perfect.
However, for those with ROCD, these perceived flaws can be taken as a sign that this person might not be the one for them.
Obsessing about our partner’s faults feeds into the doubts and uncertainty surrounding our relationship, even when we’re otherwise incredibly happy.
How ROCD impacts romantic relationships
What is most painful for those living with ROCD, is that they ultimately want nothing more than to be in a healthy and loving relationship.
They want to be fully present with their loved ones, and they want to create incredible memories without battling the constant doubt that diminishes their experiences.
ROCD becomes a barrier to happiness in this respect.
There are certain things we can consider when looking at how relationships are impacted when ROCD is part of the equation.
Distorted perception
Those with ROCD are often more sensitive to what a ‘good’ relationship looks like. They may have heightened expectations and struggle with the idea that no relationship comes without struggle or hardship.
When those doubts arise, they can be taken as a sign that this relationship isn’t ‘the one’ because there may be this subconscious belief that if it were real love, they wouldn’t have any doubts.
When a person struggles with these distorted perceptions of what it means to have a healthy relationship, they might struggle to find someone who lives up to the expectation of perfection.
Retroactive jealousy
Retroactive jealousy is the constant fixation on a partner’s previous relationships.
Retroactive jealousy is common within ROCD where the sufferer finds themselves overrun with intrusive thoughts such as:
- Was their previous partner smarter/prettier/funnier than me?
- Do they wish they were still with them instead of being with me?
- What if they preferred having sex with their last partner?
- What if that relationship ended because their ex found out something about them that I don’t know yet?
Those with retroactive jealousy might go on to interrogate their partner and engage in relentless ‘research’ to find answers about this past relationship.
This often leaves both parties with a level of distrust, even when the ROCD sufferer is aware that those obsessions are illogical or senseless.
Self-sabotage
ROCD can feel like the ultimate self-sabotage.
When our clients come to us, all they truly want is to engage in a healthy relationship with someone they love. So it is painful for them to feel like their ROCD is the reason why they cannot develop a true connection.
It feels like a barrier standing in the way of something they deeply want for themselves.
Is relationship anxiety the same as relationship OCD?
Although they may appear similar to the untrained eye, relationship anxiety, and relationship OCD are two separate conditions.
Relationship anxiety is an incredibly common condition whereby insecurities, doubts, and worries about a relationship can appear even when things seem to be going well.
Conventional anxiety arises in everyone at some point during the lifetime of an important relationship. It often passes but can ebb and flow throughout the relationship. However, relationship anxiety can become quite severe and cause a great deal of emotional distress and exhaustion if left unmanaged.
The major distinction between the two is that even at its most severe, relationship anxiety does not result in compulsive behaviors like relationship OCD.
It is engaging in those compulsions in search of temporary relief from the doubt and uncertainty that the OCD Cycle is triggered and remains in motion.
ROCD treatment
Commonly, people with relationship OCD feel that their OCD ruins their relationships. However, with the right care and treatment, many people with relationship OCD go on to have healthy, strong relationships.
The gold-standard approach to treatment for Relationship OCD is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) – a type of CBT.
The primary goal of this treatment is to take relationship OCD out of your life so you can get back to enjoying your time with your family and loved ones.
Through the cognitive portion of CBT you will learn to identify distorted thoughts and learn to restructure them and change your relationship to them, giving them less weight and validity.
The behavioral portion is where ERP comes in.
The practice of ERP involves the creation of a hierarchy, developed together by therapist and client, in which one will slowly expose themselves to their feared stimuli.
The purpose is to practice not engaging in compulsions and get you back to the life you want to live.
During treatment, our clinicians will also train you to use skills such as mindfulness, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Self-Compassion. These tools will help you manage your intrusive thoughts, strong emotions, and urges to engage in compulsions. These skills will also help you learn how to resist the mental and physical compulsions that keep you stuck in the loop of OCD.
Recent studies have shown that incorporating mindfulness into CBT improves recovery outcomes. Mindfulness involves experiencing your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations, from a non-judgmental perspective.
Mindfulness is a tool that can be used anywhere in any situation.
An informal or formal meditation practice can also help you to be less reactive to your thoughts, feelings, and sensations and can be included in everyone’s mindfulness practice.
If you are dealing with OCD in a relationship, ACT can also be a wonderful supplement to CBT. ACT helps one to stop avoiding, denying, and fighting against their feelings and instead recognize them as appropriate responses to a given situation.
With this in mind, clients start to accept their struggles and commit to making necessary changes in their behavior that are more effective and fulfilling.
Example of ROCD exposures
For relationship OCD, exposure examples might look like:
- Going on a date with your partner and resisting the urge to ruminate on whether they’re “the one”
- Hearing about someone else’s relationship and resisting the urge to compare your own to it
- Watching movies about an unsuccessful relationship (if it’s in your values to do so) and resisting the urge to ruminate on whether it describes your relationship
- Initiating intimacy with a loved one despite feeling uncertain about the relationship
How can we support your ROCD recovery?
For many of our clients, the thought of approaching this type of treatment can seem daunting.
The truth is, it can be hard work. And so we understand why you might hesitate to get in touch and begin treatment. But there are so many positives we’d like to share. For example, the recovery rate for those who go through our tailored treatment plan is incredibly high.
Studies have shown that ERP can be up to 80% effective but we have seen a much higher recovery rate among our clients.
Second to this, none of them regret starting. Like everyone, our clients have tough days because as we always say, recovery is not linear. There will be ups and downs.
But that is why it is beneficial to have a specialist in your corner, to be there when you need them most.
Despite the tough times, our clients are ultimately always glad that they had the courage to reach out and begin the process. Because it has allowed them to find comfort in being with the ones they love, and build healthy and strong relationships without those obsessions and compulsions limiting their experiences.
So here is how we can help you right now…
Private 1:1 therapy
If you are based in the state of California, our compassionate team of highly qualified mental health professionals can support you in a private setting.
Our team is trained to the highest level and practices under the supervision of top OCD specialist, Kimberley Quinlan.
You will work together to define a treatment plan that best supports your needs and outcomes and at every stage, you will feel supported by one of our elite clinicians.
If you resonate with the content in this article and would like to see if we could be a good fit for one another, please submit an initial intake form here.
We welcome you without judgment and are committed to your ROCD recovery so you can experience joy and happiness in your relationships again.
Learn at home with our online OCD course: ERP School
If private therapy is currently unavailable to you then ERP SCHOOL (our on-demand course for OCD) is an affordable and accessible alternative.
Created and taught by Kimberley Quinlan, this self-study program will teach you the exact tools and techniques Kimberley uses to support her private clients through the recovery process.
You will learn how to apply these tools to your specific ROCD obsessions and compulsions so that you can stop letting intrusive thoughts ruin your relationships and resist the urge to do compulsive behaviors that impact the quality of those relationships.
With the right support and treatment, you will no longer need to lose hours of quality time to fear and rumination surrounding your relationship.
You can feel confident in yourself and others again, and build that strong loving relationship you’ve always wanted for yourself.
