What is Retroactive Jealousy OCD? An In-depth Guide
Those with retroactive jealousy OCD suffer from an immense fixation on their partner’s previous relationships that cause a painful level of jealousy, anxiety, and insecurity.
Retroactive jealousy within a relationship is actually fairly common.
We have all had momentary emotional blips where we find ourselves strangely curious about our partner’s past relationship. However, it’s when this curiosity grows into a relentless sense of jealousy, anxiety, and fixation that it can become destructive and negatively impact our relationships.
Those with retroactive jealousy OCD wish to have a strong and loving relationship with their partner.
They do not find joy in being stuck in thoughts of their partner’s life before them, especially when they identify that these feelings may be irrational and unfounded.
Their true desire is to be in a loving and committed relationship. Yet their obsession over their partner’s past relationships plagues their mind and often causes a great deal of tension in the relationship, which is actually the opposite of what they really want.
Clients often come to us feeling ashamed and embarrassed but it’s important to understand that retroactive jealousy OCD is a legitimate and treatable condition. It does not mean you are an insecure or jealous person, this is incredibly painful and not something you asked for.
So please be incredibly gentle with yourself if you’re living with this.
It is fully possible to manage this condition and engage in a deeply loving relationship with your partner that focuses on your relationship in the present moment.
In this article, we will discuss the ins and outs of retroactive jealousy OCD and explore how you can help yourself manage this condition through proven tools and methodologies so you can find relief from those unwanted and tormenting thoughts and strengthen your relationship with your partner.
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What is Retroactive Jealousy OCD?
Retroactive jealousy OCD is a condition characterized by obsessive and intrusive thoughts about a partner’s past romantic or sexual experiences. These thoughts can lead to intense feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and anxiety, even if the events in question occurred long before the current relationship began.
Retroactive jealousy is incredibly common within the Relationship OCD subtype.
Within the context of this theme, a partner’s past relationship or romantic history acts as the perceived threat.
In the case of retroactive jealousy OCD, the obsessions (unwanted thoughts, images, feelings, urges, and sensations) focus on a partner’s past experiences that happened before the current relationship even began.
As always, in OCD, sufferers find themselves urgently searching for certainty surrounding a specific circumstance. It is the uncertainty that causes excruciating levels of distress and anxiety. The difficulty for the sufferer lies in the fact that we are often looking for answers to unanswerable questions.
Because of this, the sufferer never truly feels as though they land on a factual and satisfactory answer to their worries.
In an attempt to ‘find a satisfying answer’ people with retroactive jealousy OCD then engage in physical and mental compulsions (repetitive and ritualist behaviors) to regain a sense of certainty and control. Examples may include fixating on details of a partner’s sexual history, repeatedly asking for reassurance about past relationships, extensively comparing their relationship with their partner’s past relationships, and feeling a sense of dread or disgust when thinking about the partner’s past experiences.
Feelings of jealousy result in information-seeking behaviors such as social-media stalking, snooping, and talking to those who may have had some insight.
This leads to increased levels of tension in the relationship as the partner is left to feel like they can’t be trusted, or has done something wrong, even when this is not the case.
For the sufferer, these thoughts are often so distressing that they spend an exhausting amount of time and energy ruminating on whether or not they should or should not break up with their partner because the uncertainty and anxiety are so high.
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Retroactive Jealousy Vs. ‘Normal’ Jealousy
‘Normal’ jealousy in a relationship is a common and natural feeling that may arise when someone perceives a threat to their relationship, such as a partner flirting with someone else or a partner exhibiting secretive behavior. This type of jealousy usually involves a specific event or behavior that triggers the feeling, and it tends to be temporary and manageable.
This may also include a jealousy of closeness with other people in general such as jealousy toward a partner’s family members, friends, or even colleagues.
In contrast, retroactive jealousy OCD is a more intense and persistent form of jealousy that involves obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors related to a partner’s past experiences. It often lacks a specific trigger and involves intrusive and irrational thoughts that can be difficult to control.
Individuals with retroactive jealousy OCD may experience significant distress and impairment in their daily functioning, including difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships.
It’s important to understand that jealousy is experienced by everyone at some point or another, even if it’s in small ebbs and flows.
You could even argue that it’s a sign of how much you care!
However, if you notice that it’s having a detrimental impact on your day-to-day life, it’s negatively impacting your relationship, and those fears feel unrelenting… you may be dealing with retroactive jealousy.
Symptoms of Retroactive Jealousy OCD
Symptoms of retroactive jealousy OCD present in one of two ways, obsessions and compulsions.
Common Obsessions in Retroactive Jealousy OCD
Examples of worrisome intrusive thoughts that people with retroactive jealousy OCD might experience can include:
1. “What if my partner enjoyed their past experiences more than they enjoy being with me?”
2. “What if my partner still has feelings for their ex-partner?”
3. “What if my partner compares me to their past partners and finds me lacking?”
4. “What if my partner thinks about their past experiences while we are intimate?”
5. “What if my partner cheated on me in the past and I just don’t know it?”
6. “What if my partner’s past experiences make them less committed or loyal to our relationship?”
Common Compulsions in Retroactive Jealousy OCD
Common compulsions in retroactive jealousy OCD can include:
1. Repeatedly asking a partner for validation about their past experiences, even when they have already provided that information.
2.Excessive rumination about a partner’s previous relationship often results in further rumination about whether or not they should leave their partner.
3. Seeking reassurance from a partner or others that the relationship is secure and that past experiences do not pose a threat.
4. Information-seeking about a partner’s past experiences, including browsing through social media profiles, text messages, emails, or other records.
6. Checking and monitoring a partner’s behavior or activities, both in person and online, to see if they are engaging in behaviors related to past experiences.
7. Mentally reviewing past experiences or trying to mentally “undo” them, in an effort to alleviate anxiety or discomfort.
These compulsions can be time-consuming, exhausting, and ultimately reinforce the obsessive thoughts and anxiety associated with retroactive jealousy OCD.
What Causes Retroactive Jealousy OCD?
The exact causes of OCD are not fully understood, but it is believed to arise from a combination of genetic, neurological, and environmental factors. Some possible factors that may contribute to the development of this condition include:
1. Environmental factors: Childhood experiences, cultural or societal norms around sex and relationships, and other environmental factors may also contribute to the development of this condition.
2. Relationship insecurities: Individuals who have low self-esteem or struggle with trust issues in relationships may be more prone to obsessive thoughts about their partner’s past experiences. We do understand that people with an anxious-attachment may be more prone to experience retroactive jealousy OCD.
3. Cognitive distortions: Certain patterns of thinking, such as perfectionism or all-or-nothing thinking, may contribute to the development of retroactive jealousy OCD.
4. Neurological factors: There is evidence to suggest that imbalances in certain neurotransmitters, such as serotonin and dopamine, may play a role in the development of obsessive-compulsive disorders, including retroactive jealousy OCD.
5. Trauma or past experiences: Individuals who have experienced trauma or difficult experiences in their past may be more vulnerable to developing retroactive jealousy OCD.
It’s important to note that retroactive jealousy OCD is not caused by any action or behavior on the part of the individual’s partner. Rather, it is a complex mental health condition that requires understanding and support from loved ones and mental health professionals.
How does it feel to live with Retroactive Jealousy OCD?
Retroactive jealousy OCD can be accompanied by a range of intense and distressing emotions, including:
1. Jealousy: Of course! This is the most prominent emotion in retroactive jealousy OCD, and it can be triggered by thoughts or reminders of a partner’s past experiences. The jealousy may be intense, irrational, and persistent, even when there is no evidence of current infidelity or betrayal.
Jealousy can feel like an intensely heavy emotion. For those who experience it, it feels exhausting and often brings out a side of themselves that they don’t like; it’s not who they know themselves to be.
2. Anxiety: Individuals with retroactive jealousy OCD can experience high levels of anxiety, including physical symptoms such as sweating, stomach aches, headaches, trembling, or a racing heart. Those persistent obsessions can cause them to be on hyperalert, constantly searching for evidence or proof to prove or disprove their worries.
It feels like constantly living on-edge, never being able to find rest. And in the context of the relationship, it makes it incredibly difficult to find and appreciate those moments of joy, build fond memories, and connect intimately with our partner.
3. Shame: Many individuals with retroactive jealousy OCD feel ashamed or embarrassed about their obsessive thoughts and behaviors. They may worry that their thoughts are abnormal or that they are a bad partner.
There may be a sense that on some level, they understand that their fears are unwarranted or irrational but they simply feel overwhelmed and unable to tolerate the uncertainty surrounding the situation.
4. Anger: Some individuals with retroactive jealousy OCD may feel angry or resentful toward their partner for their past experiences, even if those experiences occurred before the current relationship.
This adds friction to the relationship, which only then acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Distance can be forged between the couple as the partner may not understand what the sufferer is dealing with and so cannot understand why they may behave with such anger toward them.
As the emotional gap between the couple grows wider, OCD can then latch on to this as a sign that our worries were correct all along.
5. Insecurity: Retroactive jealousy OCD can undermine an individual’s sense of self-worth and confidence in their relationship. They may feel insecure about their ability to satisfy their partner or worry that they are not enough.
Ultimately, the sufferer wants to feel loved within a stable and secure relationship.
The persistent doubts and fears about the person/people who came before them can find them trapped in a state of constant comparison and self-deprecation, leaving them feeling unwanted and unloved.
How to manage Retroactive Jealousy OCD
Effective ways to manage retroactive jealousy OCD include:
1. Seek professional help: A mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor, can provide support and guidance in managing retroactive jealousy OCD. They can teach coping skills and techniques to manage obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, as well as provide cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or other evidence-based treatments.
2. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga, can help individuals with retroactive jealousy OCD manage their anxiety and stress levels, and develop a greater sense of self-awareness and emotional regulation.
3. Practice radical self-compassion: As mentioned previously, this is a highly tormenting condition that you did not ask for. It does not mean you are a bad person, a deeply jealous type, or incredibly insecure. Self-criticism only makes recovery harder, so be kind to yourself, always.
4. Set healthy boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries with a partner, such as agreeing with one another that they are not getting caught up in their reassurance-seeking behaviors, can help individuals with retroactive jealousy OCD feel more in control and secure in their relationship.
5. Engage in self-care: Engaging in self-care activities, such as exercise, socializing, or pursuing hobbies, can help individuals with retroactive jealousy OCD manage stress and anxiety, and improve overall mood and well-being.
Treatment for Retroactive Jealousy OCD
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) has been proven to be the best combination treatment for OCD recovery.
The goal of recovery is to live your life to the fullest, without limitation, and thrive within your relationships.
The goal is not to eradicate intrusive thoughts or stop anxiety completely, as this is an impossible task. Everyone experiences intrusive thoughts and anxiety, with or without OCD.
Ultimately, we want you to be able to experience a full, loving, and strong relationship that is based on your values, not your fears.
It is more than possible for you to experience your relationship in a way that focuses on what you have now rather than what came before so you can continue to strengthen your bond every single day.
Within this treatment, CBT is used to help identify those intrusive thoughts and feelings and change your relationship with them so they no longer feel like a source of threat.
You will then utilize ERP to get you back to engaging in your relationship the way you would do if you didn’t have these thoughts and feelings. A key component in ERP is heavily reducing compulsive behaviors so that you can teach your brain that you are capable of tolerating uncertainty and anxiety without the use of safety behaviors.
Over time, the anxiety will gradually decrease and feel more manageable so you can go back to enjoying your relationship again.
You will never be asked to do anything that feels unmanageable, and you will always work together with your therapist to go at your own pace and feel fully supported along the way.
ERP for Retroactive Jealousy OCD
Exposures in exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy for retroactive jealousy OCD may include:
1. Imaginal exposures: The therapist may guide the individual through a guided imagery exercise, where they imagine their fears related to their partner’s past experiences. For example, they may be asked to imagine their partner having sex with a past partner, and then sit with the associated anxiety and discomfort without engaging in compulsive behaviors.
2. In vivo exposures: The therapist may help the individual gradually expose themselves to triggers that provoke obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, such as visiting places where a partner had past experiences (intimate or otherwise) or engaging in activities that were associated with past experiences.
3. Thought-defusion: The therapist may teach the individual how to recognize when they are engaging in obsessive thoughts, and then help them practice acceptance of these thoughts before refocusing their attention on something else.
4. Role-playing exercises: The therapist may engage in role-playing exercises with the individual, where they practice having conversations with their partner about their past experiences without engaging in compulsive behaviors or becoming overly anxious.
5. Gradual exposure to details: The therapist may work with the individual to gradually expose them to details about their partner’s past experiences, in a controlled and structured way, so that they can learn to tolerate the associated anxiety and discomfort without engaging in compulsive behaviors.
1:1 Private Therapy
Taking the first step toward recovery can be daunting.
We understand that you may feel a sense of hesitation and wonder if you are ready, after all, you’re likely well aware that there may be some tough times ahead.
Our clients often feel this way when they come to us. Yet, quickly they feel immense relief that they took the leap and began their journey toward recovery.
As you do the hard thing each and every day, and face your OCD head-on, you may have moments where it feels too tough. But that is why you will have a specialist in your corner to support you each and every step of the way.
And when you start to see your relationship with yourself and your partner improve, you won’t regret starting, only that you didn’t start sooner.
Our team of highly qualified mental health professionals is trained to the highest standard and understands what you’re going through right now.
You will be met with compassion and without judgment. We are invested in your transformation and we’re beyond excited to support you because we know what’s on the other side and we know what’s possible!
You can have a relationship that isn’t tormented by fears of the past. You can create wonderful memories and build a life together based on love, trust, and connection.
If you are based in California or Arizona, please submit an initial intake form here.
We would love to see how we can best support you.
Online program
For an accessible and affordable alternative to private therapy, OCD specialist, Kimberley Quinlan, has created ERP SCHOOL.
This self-paced online program will give you all of the tools you need to manage your retroactive jealousy and strengthen your relationship.
You will learn the exact methodologies and techniques we use to support our private clients and understand how to apply them to your specific obsessions and compulsions.
You no longer have to let intrusive thoughts ruin your life and you can resist the urge to do compulsions!
Retroactive Jealousy FAQ’s
How do I test for retroactive jealousy?
There is no definitive test for retroactive jealousy, as it is not a medical condition but rather a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
However, if you are experiencing persistent and distressing thoughts related to your partner’s past experiences, and if these thoughts are causing significant impairment in your daily life and relationships, you may be experiencing retroactive jealousy OCD.
If you are concerned that you may be experiencing retroactive jealousy OCD, it is recommended that you speak with a mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor.
They can conduct a thorough assessment, help you determine if you meet the criteria for this condition, and develop an appropriate treatment plan tailored to your specific needs and goals.
During the assessment, the mental health professional will likely ask you about your symptoms, thoughts, and behaviors related to your partner’s past experiences, as well as other factors that may be contributing to your distress. They may also administer screening tests or questionnaires to help assess the severity of your symptoms.
It’s important to keep in mind that seeking help for retroactive jealousy OCD is a brave and important step toward improving your mental health and well-being.
Give yourself credit for taking the first step!
What to do if my partner has retroactive jealousy?
If your partner has retroactive jealousy, it can be challenging to navigate and may have an impact on your relationship. Here are some suggestions for how to support your partner:
1. Educate yourself: Learn more about retroactive jealousy OCD, its symptoms, and its impact on individuals and relationships. This can help you understand your partner’s experience and provide you with greater empathy and patience.
2. Encourage professional help: Encourage your partner to seek professional help, such as a therapist or counselor, who can provide support and guidance in managing retroactive jealousy OCD. You can offer to help your partner find a qualified mental health professional and offer to attend therapy sessions with them if they would like your support.
3. Listen and validate: Listen to your partner’s concerns and feelings without judgment, and validate their experiences without encouraging or engaging in their reassurance-seeking behaviors. Acknowledge that retroactive jealousy OCD can be distressing and difficult to manage, and offer your support and encouragement.
4. Establish clear boundaries: Work with your partner to establish clear boundaries around discussions about past experiences or triggers that worsen obsessive thoughts. You can also work together to establish healthy communication patterns and ways to support each other in managing the condition.
5. Practice self-compassion & self-care: Caring for yourself is also important when supporting a partner with retroactive jealousy OCD. Make sure you are engaging in self-compassion activities that help you manage stress and anxiety, and seek support from friends or family if you need it.
It’s important to remember that supporting a partner with retroactive jealousy OCD can be challenging, and it’s okay to seek help and support for yourself as well. By working together and with the help of a mental health professional, you can navigate the challenges of retroactive jealousy OCD and maintain a healthy and supportive relationship.
Is Retroactive Jealousy a mental health disorder?
Retroactive jealousy is not recognized as a mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which is the standard classification of mental health disorders used by mental health professionals.
However, it is often considered a subtype of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or an OCD-related disorder.
While retroactive jealousy is not considered a standalone mental disorder, it can be a significant source of distress and may require professional help to manage. Treatment options may include therapy, medication, or a combination of both, and can be tailored to an individual’s specific needs and goals.
