Relationship OCD: How to Know If You Have It and What Actually Helps | Ep. 488

In this episode, I’m breaking down what Relationship OCD really looks like, why the search for certainty keeps you stuck, and how to stop letting intrusive doubts control your relationship.

• How to tell the difference between normal relationship doubts and Relationship OCD
• The sneaky compulsions that keep the OCD cycle going, including reassurance, checking feelings, Googling, confessing, and more
• Why the “ick” doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong in your relationship
• What ERP therapy for Relationship OCD actually looks like in real life
• The powerful “maybe, maybe not” response that helps take the urgency out of intrusive thoughts
• How to stay present and connected in your relationship without needing 100% certainty first

Relationship OCD: When Doubt Takes Over Your Relationship 

You love your partner deeply. And then, out of nowhere, your brain throws you a terrifying thought:

What if they’re not the one?
What if I don’t actually love them?
What if I’m making a huge mistake?

And because you care so much, you try to solve it.

You replay memories.
You compare your current feelings to the honeymoon phase.
You Google “how to know if you’re in love.”
You ask your friends for reassurance.
You scan your body for certainty.
You confess your fears to your partner.

And for a moment, you feel relief.

But then the doubt comes back.

If this sounds familiar, I want you to know something important: this may not be a relationship problem. It may be Relationship OCD (ROCD).

What Is Relationship OCD?

Relationship OCD is a subtype of OCD where intrusive thoughts and fears center around relationships, love, attraction, compatibility, or certainty about your partner.

People with relationship OCD often become consumed with questions like:

• “Do I really love my partner?”
• “What if they aren’t the right person for me?”
• “What if I’m settling?”
• “What if I never feel certain?”
• “What if this feeling means something is wrong?”

The goal quickly becomes trying to achieve complete certainty about the relationship. And that’s where the OCD cycle takes over.

Normal Doubt vs. Relationship OCD

Here’s the tricky part: everybody has doubts sometimes.

Every long-term relationship goes through seasons where things feel harder, less exciting, or uncertain. That’s part of being human.

The difference with relationship OCD is not whether doubt exists. It’s how your brain responds to it.

With ROCD:

• Small thoughts feel dangerous
• Uncertainty feels intolerable
• The urge to solve the doubt feels urgent
• You spend enormous amounts of time mentally reviewing, checking, and analyzing
• The thoughts interfere with your ability to be present and connected

A passing doubt becomes an emergency.

And the more you try to solve it, the more trapped you become.

 

The “Ick” Isn’t Proof Something Is Wrong

One thing we talked a lot about in this episode is “the ick.”

Maybe your partner says something awkward.
Maybe they wear something strange.
Maybe they annoy you.

And suddenly your brain screams:

“THIS MEANS THEY’RE NOT THE ONE.”

But getting annoyed, disconnected, bored, or turned off sometimes is completely normal in relationships. The problem is that OCD interprets those moments as threats that must be solved immediately.

The “ick” is not evidence.

It’s a feeling. And feelings are allowed to exist without becoming emergencies.

 

Common Relationship OCD Compulsions

Most people think OCD only looks like visible compulsions like hand washing or checking locks. But relationship OCD is often dominated by mental compulsions.

Some common compulsions include:

Mental Reviewing

Replaying memories to “prove” you were once certain or in love.

Comparing Feelings

Checking whether your feelings match how you felt at the beginning of the relationship.

Internal Checking

Looking at your partner and scanning yourself for attraction, love, certainty, excitement, or butterflies.

Googling

Searching for answers online about love, compatibility, attraction, or “signs” you’re with the wrong person.

Reassurance Seeking

Asking friends, family, therapists, or your partner for confirmation that the relationship is okay.

Confessing

Telling your partner every intrusive thought because you feel guilty or afraid.

Avoidance

Avoiding romantic movies, social media, intimacy, commitment, or even spending time with your partner because it triggers anxiety.

Breaking Up for Relief

Ending relationships impulsively to escape uncertainty or anxiety.

Unfortunately, every compulsion strengthens the OCD cycle.

 

Why Relationship OCD Feels So Real

One reason relationship OCD feels so convincing is because the thoughts are ego-dystonic.

That means the thoughts go directly against your values and what matters most to you.

You may deeply love your partner and still have thoughts like:

• “What if I don’t love them?”
• “What if I’m lying to myself?”
• “What if this relationship is wrong?”

OCD attacks what you care about most.

That’s why the thoughts feel so urgent and terrifying.

 

The Problem With Trying to “Know for Sure”

One of the biggest traps in relationship OCD is believing you need 100% certainty before you can relax or commit.

But here’s the truth:

Nobody has complete certainty in relationships.

Not people with OCD.
Not people without OCD.
Not happily married couples.

Love is not a mathematical equation you can solve.

And the more you chase certainty, the more anxious and disconnected you become.

 

What ERP for Relationship OCD Actually Looks Like

Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is the gold standard treatment for OCD, including relationship OCD.

ERP helps you gradually face uncertainty without performing compulsions.

That means learning how to experience intrusive thoughts without trying to solve, neutralize, or escape them.

Some examples of ERP for relationship OCD might include:

• Watching romantic movies without comparing your relationship
• Looking at your partner without checking your feelings
• Sitting with thoughts like “Maybe they aren’t the one”
• Writing scripts about feared outcomes
• Allowing uncertainty to exist without reassurance

The goal is not to feel perfectly certain.

The goal is to learn that you can tolerate uncertainty and still live your life.

 

The “Maybe, Maybe Not” Skill

One of the most powerful tools we discussed is responding to intrusive thoughts with:

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

Instead of arguing with the thought…
Instead of proving it wrong…
Instead of reassuring yourself…

You lean into the uncertainty.

For example:

• “Maybe they aren’t the one.”
• “Maybe this relationship won’t work out.”
• “Maybe I’ll never feel fully certain.”

This response teaches your brain that uncertainty is not dangerous.

And over time, OCD loses fuel.

 

Stop Waiting for a Feeling

So many people with relationship OCD are waiting for a magical feeling to arrive before they fully commit to the relationship.

But healthy relationships are not built on constant certainty or endless butterflies.

They’re built on choices.
On values.
On showing up.
On willingness.

You do not need to wait until you “feel sure enough” to participate in your relationship.

Sometimes recovery means choosing to stay present even while uncertainty is sitting beside you.

 

Can You Have Relationship OCD And Real Relationship Problems?

Yes.

This is one of the hardest parts of relationship OCD.

You can absolutely have OCD while also being in a relationship that has challenges, conflict, or areas needing growth.

The goal of treatment is not to convince you your relationship is perfect.

The goal is to help you stop letting OCD drive the car.

You can work on communication, boundaries, intimacy, or relationship issues while also learning not to compulsively seek certainty.

Both things can exist at the same time.

 

Don’t Let OCD Make Your Decisions

One thing I tell clients often is this:

You do not have to solve your entire future today.

If you woke up this morning and chose to be in this relationship today, let that be enough for today.

Your OCD will likely throw objections at you:
“But what about this?”
“What if this means something?”
“What if you regret it later?”

That’s what OCD does.

Your job is not to eliminate every doubt before moving forward.

Your job is to practice staying present without compulsively chasing certainty.

The Most Important Shift

If there is one message I want you to take away from this, it’s this:

You do not need 100% certainty to have a meaningful, loving, fulfilling relationship.

The search for certainty is what keeps people trapped.

Recovery is not about finally proving your relationship is safe forever.

Recovery is learning that uncertainty is part of every meaningful thing in life, and choosing to live anyway.

And yes, that includes love.

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Transcription: Relationship OCD: How to Know If You Have It and What Actually Helps

Kimberley: You love your partner, and then comes a thought, “Do I really love them? What if I’m not actually in love? What if I am with the wrong person? What if I never feel certain?” And you do what any reasonable person does, you try to figure it out. You replay moments looking for evidence. You compare how you feel now to how you felt in the beginning.

 

You ask your friends, you ask your partner, you Google it at midnight, and sometimes you feel better for a little while, and then the doubt comes back. Here is what most people do not know. That cycle, the doubt, the checking, the temporary relief, that is not a relationship problem. That is OCD, specifically a form of OCD called relationship OCD.

 

And the reason most people suffer for years before they find out it is OCD is because relationship OCD doesn’t look like what other people think OCD looks like. There are no hand-washing rituals, no counting, no obvious compulsions, just a relentless, exhausting loop of doubt about the person they love most.

 

Today, I have Alex Dima, one of the therapists who works for me on my team in my private practice, and we are going to go deep into what actually relationship OCD is, how to know if you are suffering from it, and what the evidence-based treatment, specifically ERP, actually looks like

 

We are going to get down to relationship OCD. This is your little specialty, am I right? 

 

Alex: Yes, it is. Thank… Well, I always feel silly saying specialty, but it is definitely my favorite theme to work with for many reasons that we will get into. But I wanna also just thank you for giving me the opportunity to come on and chat with you about this, so I’m super excited.

 

Kimberley: Oh, I’m so excited. We have so much to get into, and you are definitely… I’m so excited to have this conversation with you because I think it’s stuff we talk about together in supervision with the rest of the staff. It’s so good. 

 

Alex: Yes. Yeah. It’s great, and yeah, I think it’s one of those themes that is definitely garnering more attention now and more research, but I think when people are first struggling with it, it feels taboo.

 

To talk, as with many themes, right? Yeah. But it feels like, “Oh, this is actually just something else, and this isn’t a real thing.” And so I think to talk about it and bring more attention to it is so important. And if just one person hears this and is like, “Oh my God, that’s me,” and gets help, then like that’s all I care about, right?

 

Yeah. Like, my work here is done. 

 

Kimberley: Uh, and I’m pro- I can guarantee there will be more than one. Yeah. So let’s get to it. Start simple. What is relationship OCD? How is it different than having just normal doubts in a regular relationship? 

 

Alex: Right. So relationship OCD is characterized by intrusive thoughts, obsessions, fears about one’s relationship, one’s partner, whether or not they’re in the right relationship, and a lot of obsessions about maintaining certainty on whether or not somebody is with the one, right?

 

Which I know we talk about that concept a lot. And the doubts can take on many different forms. Some people have obsessions if whether or not they really love their partner, whether or not their partner actually really loves them, obsessions about past relationships, uh, real or perceived flaws, all, all different kinds.

 

But ultimately it comes down to wanting certainty that you are with the right partner. Yeah. That’s 

 

Kimberley: the way to 

 

Alex: put it, yeah. 

 

Kimberley: And I think it’s so hard because every relationship ponders on whether, and I use the word ponders in terms of like, might be a, a here and there thought, or maybe they are going through seasons where they’re not so sure if their partner is the best fit for them.

 

W- what would be the biggest differentiation, do you think, between those two? 

 

Alex: Yeah, of course, it’s so normal also in general to have doubts at different times in your relationship. That’s being human. If you’re gonna be with somebody for a long time, like it’s not always gonna be perfect and rainbows and butterflies.

 

But I think the difference from someone with relationship OCD, any small thing feels like a threat, and it’s persistent and incessant, and you get stuck in these loops where you’re not able to be present with your partner because you’re worried about whether or not you’re in the right relationship. And you have a thought, and then you engage in a behavior, whether it’s mental or physical, to get some sort of certainty about that thought and get relief from that anxiety.

 

So I would say the biggest difference is just, I would say, like the amount of time that it takes up, right? Like if you’re struggling with relationship OCD, you’re gonna be spending a significant amount of time trying to solve and trying to get certainty, and it’s, it causes h- very high levels of distress for the person struggling, and it can impact functioning.

 

Whereas regular doubt, I think, comes and goes and isn’t this, isn’t met with this urgency, right, that you have to know right now. Is- the way that I like to think about it 

 

Kimberley: Yeah. And I think too, similar to all OCD, is there’s this urgency, like you said, like, there’s an urgency to solving it. Whereas, like, you know, if my husband’s annoying me, uh, you know, I can be like, “Ah, like that’s annoying,” and like, but I’m not urgently trying to get that feeling to go away or I’m not urgently trying to solve how this relationship will end up.

 

I, I’m … And, and I think that is an important distinction as well. 

 

Alex: Exactly. Any little thing is a threat and it’s like, “Oh, I have to move this wrong. I have to like … Oh, ew, he wore a weird shirt today. Like-” Now I don’t, I have the ick, “Oh, no, I have to prove that wrong. I have to f- like, find reasons why I love him or find him attract-” You know, so all of those things, it’s, yeah, exactly.

 

It’s that- Yeah … I have to prove this wrong, I have to solve this, I have to know 100% or else I’m not safe. 

 

Kimberley: Right. And I love that you brought that up because so many of my clients are talking about the ick now, ’cause it was- Oh, my God … mentioned in, in a show. But I loved that they addressed it because it normalized that we get the ick.

 

We do get the ick in all relationships. Right. F- folks with relationship OCD experience that, as you said so beautifully, as a threat that something is dangerously wrong and we have to fix it. Like, you have to solve it. But the ick is normal. 

 

Alex: It is, and I’m so over the ick culture, you know? It’s, it’s just, it’s gotten way out of hand.

 

Right. So I love talking about it in this context. 

 

Kimberley: Yes. Yes. So you’ve already really described what it’s like for folks to have relationship OCD, but I wonder if you could go a little more in depth of some of the most common signs and symptoms that some- Yeah … of someone dealing with relationship OCD. But again, um, often people might be sort of mislabeling it as you’re just overthinking or it’s just a gut feeling.

 

Can you talk a little bit more about that? 

 

Alex: Yes, absolutely. Um, and the gut feeling thing is another thing, I think we talk about this a lot too, that makes me frustrated sometimes for people that do struggle with anxiety or OCD or just generally have a more hypersensitive threat response. Like, when we have anxiety, we can very much have physical reactions from anxiety that we actually feel in our gut.

 

And for somebody with anxiety, they might be like, “Oh, my God, that’s a gut feeling. This must, something must be wrong.” So for anybody listening that struggles with this, I want you to throw that sort of mantra out the window, that our gut is not always facts, and to not focus on that. But I would say something really, uh, that we haven’t talked about yet, an important distinction with relationship OCD in any theme, is that the thoughts are ego dystonic, right?

 

Which I’m sure you’ve talked about many times on here before, meaning they’re just in direct opposition to someone’s core values, what they, you know, genuine wants and needs and identity. And so I’ll have someone come to me and say, “I’m so confused why I just had this thought that I don’t love my boyfriend, my girlfriend, whoever, because I…

 

The best thing that’s ever happened to me, I’ve never felt safer. Like, why did I just have this? Does my gut know something I don’t?” Right? And it’s, your OCD knows how to get your attention, right? ‘Cause it knows that that is going to make you feel like, “Oh, my God, this is urgent. Why is it attacking this?”

 

And so that is a big indicator. And then again, the urgency piece, and I would say too with- If we’re talking about compulsions, right, the difference between just regular overthinking and relationship OCD is you’re gonna be engaging in a lot of behaviors to get certainty, and immediately. So, you know, whether it’s a mental, a lot of mental compulsions we see with relationship OCD, reviewing past situations, checking internally for feelings if you are thinking about a situation with your partner.

 

So when we’re talking about compulsions, um, the most common signs and common compulsions that we see, I would say mental compulsions are huge, right? So a lot of mental review, mental reassurance, comparison. When we’re examining our relationship, maybe thinking about a past situation where we felt sure about them, or looking for some sort of reassurance that we have the right feelings.

 

Like, I’ll have someone replay old memories- Mm-hmm … searching for, like, how that made them feel to gain some sort of certainty. Um, and then, you know, even, like, debating with yourself pros and cons, or trying to prove yourself wrong. So that- is what we’re talking about when we talk about mental compulsions.

 

And then there’s also a lot of, like, internal checking for feelings. So I’ll- I had a client who would look at photos of her partner to see if she felt attracted or if she felt in love, right? Feeling for these, like, arbitrary feelings that you can’t actually quantify, right? Yeah. But just some sort of certainty in any way that you can get it.

 

Um, we also see a lot of avoidance compulsions, too. So if there’s something where you may be triggered, clients will avoid that, whether it’s actually spending time with their partner, intimacy, romantic movies, or dating podcasts, like any- anything that’s, like, giving dating advice, right? People will stay away from that.

 

Or even maybe hanging out with couple friends that have, like, a perfect relationship. Anything that may trigger. Yeah. Um, we see a lot of avoidance there. So those are some of the most common. And then I would say, too, people ultimately will sometimes break up with their partners to try and get relief or get some sort of certainty.

 

But that also is a compulsion and just repeats the cycle. Yeah. So there’s many types. Those are some of the most common ones- Yeah … that I can think of. 

 

Kimberley: Yeah, and I actually have had several examples of clients, um, and this is very common, is they mightn’t feel any relationship OCD at the beginning of the relationship.

 

It’s like the honeymoon phase. But then once it moves into, like, getting serious with them, relationship OCD rages. Yeah. Because now it’s serious, like, “I need to know.” Whereas with da- They’re like, “Why wasn’t it bothering me when I was dating them at the beginning, and now why is it so bad?” And I think you’re right in terms of, like, that breaking up.

 

I’ve had clients who’ve gone through treatment before for relationship OCD, and now they’re back in a new relationship, that they’ve broken up with their, their partners ’cause it gets too much, and they’re like, “I really don’t wanna break up with her, but it’s so strong,” or him. Right. “It’s so strong, I just wanna run.

 

I wanna run.” And so they’re working through it in real time. Yeah. The, the one compulsion I will add is confessions. 

 

Alex: Yes. Yeah. 

 

Kimberley: Um, a lot of folks with relationship OCD that I’ve seen will confess to their… They feel guilty for having these feelings or these uncertainties, and so they confess. And the problem with that is, if you go to your partner and you’re like, “I feel so bad, I’m having thoughts that maybe you’re not the one,” now they’re freaking out as- the partner’s freaking out as well.

 

It’s… It can create- Right. Right. Once we start compulsions, we can start a fire, you know? 

 

Alex: Right. Yes, absolutely. And so that is why treatment, the right treatment, is so important in this. Mm-hmm. ‘Cause if you are feeding those compulsions and playing into it, it truly can, like you said, start a fire and, and just make everything 10 times worse.

 

So… Right. Right.

 

Kimberley: Now, as you know, I have a private practice. I have six amazing therapists in Calabasas, California. However, we do not take insurance. Now, if you are looking for insurance-covered OCD or BFRB treatment, I wanna let you know about NOCD. NOCD provides face-to-face live video sessions with specialized licensed OCD therapists.

 

Now, their therapists use exposure and response prevention. We know this is the gold standard for OCD, so you can be absolutely confirmed that you’re in the right place there, and they have a clinically proven app that helps you stay connected to your therapist and others who have OCD between sessions, so you’ll always feel supported.

 

Now, the cool thing is NOCD is available in all 50 US states and even internationally, and they accept most insurance plans, making it affordable and accessible. We love that. Now, if you think you might have OCD or you’re struggling to manage your symptoms, you can book a free call. Just click the link in the show notes at nocd.com.

 

I am honored to partner with NOCD. I want to remind you that recovery is possible. Please do not forget that. Now, big hugs, and let’s get back to the show So talk to me a little bit about the urgency and the uncertainty. So somebody’s feeling this really uncomfortable feeling. Yeah. Uncertain, they are having relentless, repetitive thoughts on, “Is this the one?”

 

Yeah. You know, you know, that’s so terrorizing for them. Yes. Yes. What advice would you give or, or what, what can… You know, that’s a lot to carry. 

 

Alex: Yeah. 

 

Kimberley: Talk me through, um, what specifically types of treatment you would do for somebody in that situation. 

 

Alex: Yeah, absolutely. So treatment-wise, well, first of all, I love to kind of look at it from a lot of different angles, and obviously we do exposure and response prevention, and that is evidence-based and it really does work if you put the work in.

 

So that is at the core. Mm-hmm. But I think when someone is coming with that, you know, just extreme distress and urgency and needing to know, I love to start by just understanding, like, what is it that they expect love to look like, right? Because I think people have ideas of what things should look like or how things should feel based on something they’ve seen or read or were exposed to growing up that isn’t ultimately reality, and there’s also no way to even, again, like I said, no way to quantify what that even is.

 

So the first thing is getting a realistic expectation of what real love actually is, and that you also, just like with anything else, like we don’t have certainty about so many things, so why are people putting so much pressure on this one area? And I think you don’t have to… Nobody knows. E- relationship OCD or not, no one knows how their relationship is gonna turn out, and so you can have a really happy, fulfilling, amazing love without knowing what the outcome is going to be, and the answer is no answer at all, right?

 

Mm-hmm. The more you try to find the answer, the longer you’ll suffer, right? So that is something… I mean, don’t get me started on all the Disney movies and The Notebook and all that stuff, where it’s just these very unrealistic portrayals of- Yeah … what 

 

Kimberley: it should look like. But I think a lot of clients that I see kind of grew up on that, or not necessarily, but they’re– 

 

Alex: were just inundated with a culture of, like, what love is supposed to be.

 

So that, that plays a factor- Yeah … 

 

Kimberley: in a lot of the clients that I see. 

 

Yeah. And I, I love that you slowed down enough to address that, because I think as we start treating someone with relationship OCD and relationship anxiety, is we also have to sort of assess for other subtypes of OCD that s- can sometimes play into it.

 

I know for me personally, um, I tend to default to a lot of black-and-white thinking. It’s either good or bad. And so if you’re someone who has some perfectionism overlapping, you’re more in- inclined to sort of have a lot of OCD or relationship OCD because it’s like, “No, he’s good if he does this, or he’s bad if he does this,” or, or moral obsessions, and it’s, you know, it’s, it’s you’ve gotta do all the work.

 

Like, I’ve had a lot of clients with that overlap of relationship OCD and moral OCD, in that they’re like, “Well, my husband, you know, cut somebody off at the store, and he didn’t feel bad about it, so can I be in love with him? Is he the one because he doesn’t have these m- strong over-perfectionistic morals?”

 

It can get really messy. So I wanna also say for people, you know, as you said, understanding the, the expectations on relationships, but also, is there perfectionism playing under- underneath as well? 

 

Alex: For sure. And there usually is some- 

 

Kimberley: Yeah … 

 

Alex: some version of that. Yeah. For sure, and so much black-and-white thinking.

 

Kimberley: Yeah. 

 

Alex: Um, and it’s common, right, like you said, that there are other themes present, or that have been present in the past. Yeah. And this is just the theme that their OCD is choosing to jump on in the moment. And then to go to answer your question about more specific treatment, right, so we- Would do exposure and response prevention the same way we would do it with any other theme, right?

 

So we start by understanding the client’s obsessions and fears about the relationship, and then the compulsions that they’re engaging in. And then we establish the hierarchy going from least distressing to most distressing. So if I have a client who is avoiding romantic media, right, I’ll have them watch The Notebook and kind of just sit with that discomfort, right?

 

And the goal is to be able to just sit with it without engaging in compulsions, without making yourself feel better, and ultimately not doing anything about it. And then we learn, oh, I can tolerate this, and I don’t have to know in this moment. Um, if I have someone who’s obsessed with whether or not their partner loves them or if they love their partner, I’ll have them do scripting where the more they go through that, the more they’re able to see these are just words on a page, and I’m the one that’s assigning the meaning and the value to them.

 

And then once they get to a place where they don’t… They have very low levels of anxiety with that, or they’re even bored, even better, right? Then we move on until we kind of conquer all of the, the fears and the compulsions. And I would also say in this treatment, it’s really important to incorporate mindfulness, self-compassion is a huge one, and then a lot of acceptance and commitment therapy, right?

 

So they’re not just lowering their anxiety in these specific scenarios, but changing their relationship to their thoughts and how they see them. Like, you can have any thought in the world at the end of the day, and it’s your choice on whether or not you wanna do something about it, right? Yeah. Or let it…

 

And I know that’s much easier said than done, but through exposures, we learn that we can tolerate that. Yeah. And that’s the ultimate, just being able to tolerate the uncertainty And the discomfort. Yeah. Not trying to get rid of it forever, because we can’t control that, but just learning that we can actually handle it.

 

And anxiety can be there, and we don’t have to let it be in the driver’s seat. 

 

Kimberley: I’m gonna go on a tangent and just tell a quick story. For the sake of just sharing, is I often will share with clients my own… I don’t talk a lot about my own marriage with clients, but I will often share with them, and I’ve talked about this in the podcast before, like, I adore my husband.

 

We are not set up to, like, it, for it to be easy. We’re very different. We have different hobbies. Like, we’ve really come up against, many times in our 23 years of marriage, we’ve come up many times of, like, “Is this supposed to be hard like it is?” Like- Mm-hmm … you know, ’cause we’ve gone through… And I love this man, like- Yeah

 

so much, but there have been seasons in our marriage where it’s been really hard. And yet, if we were just waiting for it to feel like, “Oh, he’s the one,” it never would’ve lasted. 

 

Yeah. 

 

But we made a decision just to keep staying together. And I think that, that I talk with clients a lot, is they’re often compulsively waiting for a feeling- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

 

to commit and stay committed- Right … than choosing, like, that acceptance and commitment of saying, “I’m going to choose,” you know, for the… I- and it can be temporary, too. You could say, “I’m gonna choose for the next six months to stay with this person and go all in and not do compulsions.” That is a choice you have to make as a part of this treatment.

 

Don’t fall prey to the, “I’m just gonna wait for the feeling to show up,” because for some people, y- as you said, how do… Everyone listening, how do you know when you go to any human being, and I’ve asked lots of non-OCD friends this question, like, how do you know they’re the one? Not one person can come up with an actual- Right

 

good answer. They’re like, “I don’t know, you just kinda, kinda know. I don’t know. I don’t even know if I know.” I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it, but people with OCD get really fixed on knowing 

 

Alex: On knowing, right. Yeah. Like, you just know that is a big trigger for people- Yeah … with OCD- Yeah … because they need to figure out that certainty, and there is no way of getting that.

 

Kimberley: Yeah. So let me ask you a specific question. So let’s say you’re on a, you have relationship OCD, you’re on a date with your partner. Maybe you’re married, married you’re not, doesn’t matter, and you’re sitting across from them, and it’s a lovely restaurant, and your partner’s smiling at you, and he’s talking or she’s talking about something, but while you’re with them, your brain is just relentless with saying, “Is this the one?

 

This isn’t right. Something is wrong. Look at what he’s doing, she’s doing,” like, it, whatever it might be. Like, just beating you down with intrusive thoughts. How might we practice, or what would be the skills that you would give them in that moment to manage those types of scenarios? 

 

Alex: I think what’s so helpful for clients when they actually choose to do this, and this can be hard in the beginning, but is to actually just lean into that.

 

So if you’re getting hit with so many crazy thoughts, the best kind of response is, “Okay, maybe, maybe not. Maybe he is not 

 

Kimberley: the one and I’m gonna die alone,” 

 

Alex: right? Or, it, like, even kind of coming back with sarcastic responses or making it even more extreme, right, than your brain… It’s like a bully. If you’re, if a bully’s coming at you with all these things and you’re like, “You know what?

 

You’re right, and let me give you more ammo,” the, the bully’s not, is gonna run out of things to say. And when we respond to our anxiety that way, we’re signaling, like, okay, this actually isn’t urgent because they’re not concerned, because they’re just saying maybe, maybe not, right? And it doesn’t have much to fight back with, right?

 

Mm-hmm. So I’ve had many clients tr- like, once they try that, they’re like, “Wow, it’s so crazy how when I said maybe, maybe not, it actually just stopped.” Yeah. Yeah. And it’s okay also if it doesn’t stop, but your goal is to stop trying to fight with it so much, because that’s what signals that it’s a real threat.

 

Like, ultimater- ultimately, your anxiety is there to protect you, right? So- It’s not this, like, big, bad guy. We do need it to keep us safe in some ways, but it’s also our job to say, “Okay, thank you. I am gonna choose not to solve that right now.” Yeah. “I’m gonna choose to be present with my partner. That is my value, and I wanna enjoy this dinner, and you can hang out if you want, but it’s not gonna make a difference to me.”

 

Kimberley: Yeah. 

 

Alex: So it’s like that leaning in attitude or that, like, hit me with your best shot attitude, I think- Yeah … can be a really helpful shift for clients. 

 

Kimberley: Oh, yeah. Bring it. Let’s go. Like, let’s have it. Yeah. Okay, so there are probably a ton of listeners, and you’ve so beautifully sort of outlined the symptoms of relationship OCD, and the obsessions and the compulsions that they may experience, and the treatment, you know, planning that we do.

 

What about those folks, you know, because it isn’t black and white. There are people who have relationship OCD who do have relationships where there is work to be done. There are, as all relation- I actually think every relationship- Yeah … uh, relationship OCD or not, there are areas where things aren’t going well, and it’s not perfect, or there are changes that need to be made.

 

So how might someone with relationship OCD navigate their OCD whilst also working on and in the relationship? 

 

Alex: Yes. So that is the thing that makes relationship OCD so tricky sometimes because it’s very normal to have a- That alongside real relationship issues, right? And so, but with relationship OCD, like we’re focusing on how you’re relating to the thoughts and how, like who’s in the driver’s seat, right?

 

And so this is where values are really important, where it’s like, okay, what kind of partner do I want to be? What kind of partner do I want? What are the things that are most important to me, and what am I doing every day to live in alignment with that? Everything else is just a thought, and ultimately the goal is to not let your thoughts get in the way of doing what is in line with what you want, if that makes sense.

 

Yeah. So it’s essentially saying, “Okay, these are my core values. We are, you know, in alignment here. We’re not in alignment here. Let’s work on that. But if I notice my OCD acting up, like that’s okay, it can hang out, and I don’t need to let that dictate my next move.” It’s all about like you’re the one in the driver’s seat.

 

Your OCD can be in the passenger seat, but don’t let it be the thing that’s steering the ship, if you will. Yeah. And I, it’s, it’s hard ’cause that, I get that question all the time, and there’s no, like clear-cut answer. Like, you can have relationship OCD and also still not end up with that person too. Mm.

 

Yeah. Like, that is a hard, like ’cause I think sometimes people are like, once they realize they have it, they’re like, “Oh, okay, phew, it’s all gonna work out and I just have to get through this treatment,” right? Yeah. That’s not always the case. Like, it also may not be the relationship that’s gonna work for you long term.

 

But that isn’t something that you have to figure out right now. And I always say to my clients, “Your only job,” bringing things back to the present, “your job in the present moment is if you woke up and chose to be with them today, like that’s all you need to worry about.” Mm-hmm. If you choose to be with them tomorrow, that’s great.

 

If the next day you don’t, then we’ll worry about that then. But focus on it day by day. 

 

Kimberley: Yeah. 

 

Alex: I hope, I know people with relationship OCD may have so many follow-up questions to that. But I think it’s, it’s ultimately just embracing that we don’t know. 

 

Kimberley: Yeah. 

 

Alex: Well- And living with what we want. 

 

Kimberley: And Alex, thank you for bringing that up because that is so important.

 

So for those listening, and we actually cover this, we do this a lot in therapy, that’s our job, right? But for those folks who don’t have therapy, if you’re taking your OCD toolkit, um, we have a sub-module for relationship OCD, and we talk about how your OCD’s job is to have follow-up questions. That is the function.

 

So if you go, “Right, for today, I am going to tolerate the uncertainty, and I’m going to let it be unknown, and I’m going to be in this full relationship. I’m going to throw myself in for today,” that doesn’t mean you’re gonna be like, “Oh, great, everything’s fine now.” Your brain is going to come up with objection after objection after objection.

 

And your job, the exposure and response prevention, is to practice tolerating all the objections your brain is going to have. So you beautifully explained that, right? So you might go, “Okay, for today, I’m going to accept it.” Your OCD brain is naturally gonna be like, “Are you sure? But what about this? But what about that?”

 

That doesn’t mean you need to abort the plan. It means, okay, we, we stay with the plan, and we keep just being, “I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not,” like you explained. And I think that is the key. So many people in, um, my clients and my students will say, “You know, I was doing really well, but then this one tricky thought got me.”

 

Yeah. And you just have to get really good at catching the tricks that OCD plays to pull you back- Exactly … into doing compulsions. Once you get that, then you’re golden. It’s still gonna be uncertain and uncomfortable though. 

 

Alex: Exactly, yes. Mm-hmm. And it gets so tricky, and it knows how to get you. Yeah. And I just remind clients, like any time, no matter the thought, if it is met with this sense of urgency that you have to solve it right now, and you have to- Yeah

 

get relief, like let’s treat that as another compulsion. Yeah. Right? It’s so hard. And it’s the hardest work. And I think people also, to manage expectations, like there’s no timeline on, on healing and on working through this. And you may have really good weeks, and then you may have one bad day and feel like all progress has been lost, and that’s not the case, right?

 

It’s just a detour, and that’s how OCD works. Like it’s ultimately trying to keep you safe. And so it’s not gonna stop just because- Right … you want it to, just because you’re putting some work in, right? It’s, it’s all about repetition and consistency and just a constant willingness to be uncomfortable, which I know is not always fun all the time.

 

Mm-hmm. I certainly don’t wanna be uncomfortable all the time. So it really is just that commitment. 

 

Kimberley: Yeah. Beautiful. You pretty well just answered my final question, but I’m gonna ask it to you just to sort of bring it home. Yeah. For someone listening who is completely exhausted by this constant questioning about their relationship, what is the one shift, like the core message that you wanna leave them with on how they can respond to their relationship OCD?

 

Alex: I think it’s kind of what I have been saying, like you don’t have to have 100% certainty to have a happy relationship, and I think some people mistake that for, like- settling, but it’s, I, what’s settling about being with the partner that you wanna be with and being treated amazingly and really being in love, but just maybe not always having these magical random butterfly feelings, right?

 

Like- 

 

Kimberley: Yeah … 

 

Alex: what, what is that? I don’t understand how that is settling. But I think just because you don’t have 100% certainty doesn’t equal settling, and you can have a very, very happy life without knowing what’s gonna happen the next day. Just again, like I’ve said before, we don’t know what’s gonna happen at any other area of our life, but we still allow ourselves to be happy in those areas.

 

So what’s the difference- 

 

Kimberley: Yes … here? Exactly. 

 

Alex: It’s kind of how I would sum it up. 

 

Kimberley: Beautiful. I love it. And for me, the main thing I would add to that, or, or maybe go in a different direction, is you can work on your relationship OCD and work on your relationship at the same time. Yeah. A lot of my clients, we d- usually in with OCD treatment, we don’t recommend them to be, like, in talk therapy in addition, right?

 

It’s too much- Yeah … therapy at once, and the talk therapy can sort of be com- co-compulsing. But you can be in treatment for relationship OCD while being in couples therapy, working on real issues in your relationship. The main thing I would say, if that is what you’re, if there are real issues in the relationship, is please just make sure your couples therapist is OCD informed.

 

This is to l- everyone listening, whether you’re taking your OCD toolkit or you’re seeing a therapist, um, or you’re doing this on your own. As long as your OCD therapist a- and your, um, couples therapist understand what compulsions are, and that you’re not doing that the whole time in session. ‘Cause that could un- you could be in relationship OCD treatment, and your couples therapy could be undoing all your progress, ’cause you’re just heading- Yeah

 

over there and getting reassurance and, and confessing and all the things. So I would say that would be the only, like, little side note that’s not directly to what you were speaking to, but something just to think about. You can be in couples therapy and be in relationship OCD treatment, um, and working for the same goal, which is tolerating uncertainty and m- leaning into the relationship you’re in.

 

Alex: Yes. 100%. Yeah. You’ve… And it is, you’re absolutely right. It is so important to find someone that’s OCD informed in general, because it can set you back, right, if you’re in talk therapy and just getting reassurance and- Yeah … sharing all your different compulsions and obsessions, so. 

 

Kimberley: Yeah. And for folks who, if you are in couples therapy, I will add, not that I’m plugging, but if you’re o- you love your couples therapist, and she, she or he is not OCD trained, there are courses.

 

Like, we have a clinicians course. But you could take… You could get a workbook for the therapist so that the therapist is at least informed about OCD and the compulsions. We just wanna make sure that’s not going on, so. That’s, um, something for everyone to listen to. Now listen, Ally, you’re amazing, as you already know.

 

Thank you so much for being a part of our amazing team, um, in our practice, but also for doing this amazing work, and you’re so good at it, so thank you. 

 

Alex: Thank you. Well, you’re a dream. Kimberly is a dream, everyone. She’s the best boss I’ve ever had. I’m so 

 

Kimberley: happy. 

 

Alex: And world expert in my eyes, so it’s a truly an honor that you would even have me on here to talk about this.

 

Yeah. So I’m so grateful to you. 

 

Kimberley: You’re the one. So, I am so excited that we- that I just love that you’ve found this little niche that’s so… You’re so good at. Yeah. Thank 

 

Alex: you. 

 

Kimberley: All right. It 

 

Alex: means a lot.

 

Kimberley: Please note that this podcast or any other resources from cbtschool.com 

 

should not replace professional mental health care. If you feel you would benefit, please reach out to a provider in your area. Have a wonderful day, and thank you for supporting cbtschool.com.