POCD: Living With Pedophilia OCD
Pedophilia OCD (POCD) refers to a common OCD theme in which one fears being sexually attracted to and/or sexually harming children.
It is distinctly different than pedophilia disorder.
OCD is egodystonic in nature.
This means that its obsessions inherently go against the sufferer’s true values or desires. In the context of pOCD, alarming, sexual, intrusive thoughts arise that are disturbing in nature, leaving the sufferer questioning why they would think these thoughts and whether they could do such acts.
It is important to remember that OCD does not care about our values or desires.
OCD thrives on our need for certainty, and in the case of pOCD, the person with OCD searches day and night for certainty that they are not a sexual predator the way their obsessions would have them believe.
The reason these thoughts shock us and cause such immense distress is that they go against our very nature.
Another thing to remember is that one of the most common symptoms of pOCD is questioning the diagnosis of OCD. The person with pOCD not only questions their values, but whether their diagnosis is correct.
Effective treatment will help show you that you are a good person and do not have to be governed by these fears, but be driven by your values.
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What is Pedophilia OCD?
For the non-OCD brain, having a thought such as, “What if I was attracted to this kid?” could be cast aside and forgotten about quickly.
The person might note that it was a disturbing thought but can let it go.
For the OCD sufferer, however, these are exactly the kinds of thoughts that get stuck on replay and torment the person with OCD to the point where they can no longer function.
The thought is taken as truth.
The sufferer becomes obsessed with finding absolute certainty that they are not attracted to and would never harm a child.
This is an important note between pedophilia and OCD.
With the former disorder, whether they act on the thoughts or not, one’s fantasies center around children. Though they may feel ashamed, the thoughts are enjoyable.
With the latter disorder, the person is disgusted by and terrified of the thoughts. They would do anything to make them stop. The person with pOCD will engage in physical and mental compulsions in an attempt to remove the feeling of uncertainty.
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Someone with pedophilia OCD will often spend hours upon hours questioning whether or not they truly are at risk of sexually harming or being attracted to a child. Excessive time and energy are given trying to avoid the thoughts (or solve why they are there), which can greatly limit their quality of life.
Similar to Real-Event OCD, those with pedophilia OCD feel all-consumed with fears of being a bad person.
A person with pOCD fixates on ways to prove to themselves that this isn’t true.
What are the causes of pOCD?
What causes OCD and its subtypes remains unknown.
Research suggests a combination of:
- Biological factors
- Psychological factors
- Environmental factors
For those OCD subtypes that are driven by a fear of harm avoidance, either to the self or others, it’s incredibly common to be stuck in a cycle of asking why.
It is understandable to want to know the cause of your obsessions and fears.
However, the need to know ‘why’ contributes to the OCD cycle and keeps it in motion. By trying to figure out why these obsessions occur, you are inadvertently giving them more of your attention which strengthens their hold (and causes them to stick around!).
Effective treatment does not require deep exploration into the why, only a willingness to change your relationship and response to those obsessions.
This will loosen their grip over time and you can live a fulfilling life without the constraints of feeling like a monster – which you are not!
What are the symptoms of pOCD?
The situations in which one is triggered by pOCD can vary widely, but general symptoms of pedophilia OCD include:
- Extreme distress over the possibility of being attracted to and/or sexually harming children
- Persistent intrusive thoughts surrounding this possibility
- Avoidance of children
- Persistent rumination over whether or not you are attracted to/have sexually harmed a child
- Checking for groinal responses when around or thinking of children
- Impairment to daily life due to obsessions and compulsions
With pedophilia OCD, preschool teachers, medical professionals, parents, uncles and aunts, and nannies are so overwhelmed with their obsessions that they do anything they can to avoid being present around children, for fear they will lose control.
A common example could involve someone with pOCD changing a child’s diaper.
They may obsessively worry about touching in a way that may appear inappropriate. To avoid this feeling again – and to ‘guarantee’ that they won’t engage in inappropriate touching – they may avoid changing diapers again.
They may also sit and ruminate as to whether they did or did not touch the child inappropriately while changing the nappy.
Also, they may find themselves stuck in a loop of questioning, wondering:
Why would I think that I might touch the child?
What does it mean that I’m worried I might do that?
What if I did touch the child inappropriately?
What if someone saw me?
What if I liked it?
This can then transcend into wider avoidance of children, not just limited to changing diapers.
If pOCD arousal feels real…
If POCD arousal feels real, do not take this to mean that you are pleasantly aroused by those obsessions.
The groinal response is incredibly common for those with this particular subtype but not for the reason you might think.
Firstly, the groinal response is a physically intrusive and unwanted sensation within the context of OCD. Which means it is not done in response to something they consider pleasurable or sexually pleasing.
Secondly, the more we focus on this groinal response, the more intense they feel and the more regularly they occur.
This can leave someone with pOCD in a catch-22.
In a desperate plea to avoid feeling this groinal response, they unintentionally place their attention on their genitals to try and ‘catch’ any sensations. But in doing so, they’re increasing the likelihood and intensity of these responses (similar to intrusive thoughts!).
The good news is that with effective treatment, those who feel tortured by these groinal responses can change their relationship to them and, through psychoeducation, reduce anxiety and uncertainty by understanding how it works in relation to OCD.
Common pOCD obsessions
The IOCDF offers an incredibly in-depth breakdown of pOCD obsessions which they categorize into past-orientated spikes, present-orientated spikes, and future-orientated spikes.
Common past-oriented spikes
- “Did I ever do anything inappropriately sexual when I was younger?”
- “Did I do anything recently that was sexually inappropriate?”
- “Have I ever been attracted to an adolescent or child?”
- “Did I ever molest anyone?”
- “Could ambiguous action X be construed as sexual?”
- “Have I accidentally clicked on child porn?”
- “Does a person from my past know something that suggests I’m a pedophile?”
Common present-oriented spikes
- “Am I attracted to this 10-year-old in front of me?”
- “Was I just checking out this 13-year-old girl?
- “Did someone just notice me doing something strange?”
- “I should stand on the other side of the subway, away from this 6-year-old boy so that I don’t impulsively grope him.”
- “Am I sexually aroused by this little girl on TV?”
Common future-oriented spikes
- “How do I know I will never engage in pedophilic behavior?”
- “What if, one day, I really am attracted to children?”
- “What is the right way to hold/hug/change a child?”
- “What if I get arrested and go to jail?”
- “Will I be creepy or do something inappropriate when I have a baby?”
Common pOCD compulsions
- Reassurance-seeking
For someone with pOCD, reassurance-seeking is incredibly common. A person with this subtype may seek to find reassurance from friends, family, or professionals who they trust to gain a sense of clarification over their actions.
They can find temporary relief from the anxiety and uncertainty by having reassurance from someone else that they haven’t don’t anything wrong or inappropriate.
- Ruminating
When those intrusive thoughts arise, it is easy to become trapped in a cycle of rumination in an attempt to ‘solve’, ‘fix’ or ‘figure out’ the uncertainty and questions that arise.
For someone with pOCD, they may engage in hours of time thinking over what they have said, thought, or done to ‘make sure’ that they have not behaved toward children in a way that they would find repulsive.
- Physical checking
Checking the environment or one’s children for signs that no abnormal behavior has occurred is incredibly common. A sufferer may check the news or search Google to make sure they are not on any wanted lists.
- Testing
Within particular subtypes such as pOCD or sexual orientation OCD, the sufferer may test themselves to see if they respond a certain way. For example, those with pedophilia OCD may test their groinal response or test any sexual urges in the presence of adults vs. the presence of children.
Of course, the results are almost inevitable because – as mentioned previously – when we give our genitals this attention and we are anticipating a groinal response, it is more likely to appear.
- Avoidance
All OCD subtypes can be painful and torturous to live with. However, in the case of pOCD, the fear of potentially harming a child is so disturbing and so anxiety-provoking that avoidance is common with this theme.
The possibility of acting on those obsessions if so abhorrent that people with pOCD will do anything to make sure this outcome is avoided. And so they can drastically reduce their quality of life by avoiding situations where they may come in contact with a child.
With all compulsions, this only goes to feed those obsessions, giving them more weight and importance which makes them more difficult to navigate.
This can be so incredibly painful because usually the person with pOCD has nothing but love and care for their loved one who is a minor and wants nothing but to spend time with them but because of their OCD, they cannot tolerate the uncertainty of being in the presence of their loved one.
What does it feel like to live with pOCD?
This subtype is accompanied by a debilitating weight of shame and guilt.
Although the sufferer hasn’t actually harmed a child, the mere thought of potentially doing so leaves them questioning their morality and identity.
Some describe themselves as being a ‘monster’. These obsessions and thoughts leave them with a sense that they ‘must’ be a bad person. And the reason they often believe this to be true is because they take their thoughts as facts.
If I think this thing, surely it must mean something about me?
Coupled with this, not only do they fear how they feel and what they might do, they fear the judgment they would receive if anyone were to ever find out.
So often, those with this subtype go undiagnosed and are left suffering alone as they try to manage this condition because the thought of opening up to someone and it being taken the wrong way is too scary.
When you live with pOCD, you might find yourself living out your days in a mental cycle of rumination, avoiding places that could bring you joy, and stepping on eggshells as you do your best not to be ‘found out’ by people who may not understand.
This is why we encourage you to reach out to us!
People with pOCD are often fearful of reaching out for fear of being reported and misunderstood, however a qualified OCD therapist will be very familiar with these symptoms and treat you with nothing but respect and care as they work with you toward breaking the cycle of OCD.
If this sounds familiar and you recognize these symptoms and are based in California, please get in touch with our friendly qualified mental health professionals for an accurate diagnosis. We are OCD specialists who will not judge you, only support you.
Are you a pedophile if you suffer with pOCD?
No.
Absolutely not.
This is precisely the fear that comes with pOCD. The key differentiator between having pOCD and being a pedophile is that for the former, thoughts about being attracted to or sexually assaulting children conjure feelings of fear and disgust.
Those with pOCD are repulsed at the idea because it goes against their values.
They then do everything within their power to make sure those thoughts do not become a reality.
Someone who is classified as a pedophile will have these thoughts and gain a sense of pleasure from them.
This may seem like a small differentiator, but it is HUGE.
OCD always attacks the things you value the most. It is very common for our clients to love the children n their life and want nothing but the best for them which is why this is so painful for the person with pOCD.
The first phase of treatment is thorough psychoeducation, where you will learn to understand exactly why these thoughts stick around (and it’s most certainly not because you want to have them).
Does pOCD make you a bad person?
No, pOCD does not mean you are a bad person.
It is fear of being a bad person and a deep belief that we ‘shouldn’t’ be having these intrusive thoughts that contribute to the OCD cycle.
With pedophilia OCD comes a great deal of self-criticism. People with this subtype berate themselves for thinking these thoughts and punish themselves through mental scrutinization and judgment.
However, the path to recovery from this order is fuelled by self-compassion.
Once you understand the ins and outs of OCD and how it functions, you will see (as we do), that you are not a bad person for having this mental health condition.
Treatment for pOCD
At the beginning of your treatment, your therapist will engage in a thorough assessment of your symptoms and complete a pedophilia OCD test, called the Yale-Brown Obsessive Compulsive Scale (YBOCS).
This assessment will help you identify the compulsions you engage in and the obsessions that you are struggling with.
Once the assessment is complete, your therapist will then educate you on the next steps.
They will explain the treatment plan and will provide psychoeducation around tools that will help you manage your obsessions. Mindfulness tools, self-compassion tools, and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) are often key components of these treatment plans.
The gold-standard treatment of POCD is the same as any other OCD theme: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (ERP).
ERP for pedophilia obsessions consists of exposing oneself to the feared stimuli – in this case, being around children – and then resisting the urge to engage in compulsive behaviors. ERP is a tiered system created together by the therapist and the client.
Exposure is gradual and in this collaborative process, you are encouraged to begin with exposures that feel achievable.
The key to recovery from any type of OCD is learning to accept uncertainty and tolerate discomfort so you can live in accordance with your values and no longer allow OCD to limit your life experiences.
In the case of POCD, this might look like sitting in a park where children are playing, accepting the discomfort of thoughts like “am I attracted to them?”, and resisting the urge to ruminate on whether it’s true or not or resist the urge to leave the park immediately, for example.
You allow your thoughts to come and go without automatically attaching meaning or truth to them. You willingly tolerate the anxiety and uncertainty. And you resist the urge to do compulsions.
This is an incremental process that, over time, reduces your anxiety levels and teaches your brain that you are not your thoughts and you can navigate the uncertainty without needing to do compulsions.
The ultimate goal here is to help you be comfortable being around the children in your life who you love. We want to reach a point where OCD no longer dictates your decision so you can spend time with your children and experience the joy of being with the children in your life again.
1. Private Therapy
If you are reading this article and feeling like this all sounds a little too familiar, please do not suffer in silence.
Our team of qualified mental health professionals understands how scary it can feel to share your experiences of pOCD with others for fear of judgment. But we are a team of OCD specialists who understand the ins and outs of this disorder and you will be met with empathy and compassion, no matter what obsessions you experience.
If you are based in California, please submit an initial intake form here for an accurate diagnosis from our elite team of clinicians.
Every team member is ERP trained so you can rest assured, you will receive the highest level of treatment available.
2. ERP SCHOOL
We understand that private treatment isn’t always an option.
If you’re seeking support in the meantime, ERP SCHOOL has been created by top OCD specialist, Kimberley Quinlan, as an affordable and accessible option for those looking to start their recovery journey.
This self-study online program will give you the tools to stop letting intrusive thoughts control your life and resist the urge to do compulsions.
You can find relief from those pOCD obsessions, and you can live a life without limitations when you no longer feel compelled to engage in those compulsive behaviors.
You will be taught how to apply the techniques of ERP to your specific obsessions and compulsions so you can be one of the many who make a full recovery from OCD.
