OCD and Reassurance Seeking: Everything You Need to Know
Reassurance is defined as words or advice of comfort intended to make someone feel less worried, according to the Cambridge Dictionary. It is common for us as humans to seek reassurance from one another as a way to navigate and relieve the anxiety that arises in times of uncertainty and doubt.
Because of this, it makes complete sense that OCD and reassurance-seeking often come hand in hand.
Ultimately, when faced with scenarios that conjure those unpleasant feelings, we are looking for ways in which we can escape them. And reassurance-seeking is an effective way of doing this.
If a loved one offers comforting words in times of distress it allows for short-term relief.
Someone may console us during a tragic loss by offering support such as, ‘You’re going to be okay. Things get better with time’.
Or reassurance can appear in the form of confirming (or dispelling) a belief. This could sound like, “You did an excellent job, there was nothing more you could have done” or, “You don’t look awful in that dress!”
Reassurance-seeking is not necessarily good or bad.
However, when it becomes excessive, it can be a contributing factor to mental illnesses such as anxiety, depression, or OCD.
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Everyone needs reassurance sometimes
Outside of the realms of OCD, all of us need reassurance from time to time. And all of us offer reassurance to others.
Imagine you are about to walk into an interview and you’re quite nervous. You’re really excited about the prospect of getting the role! You may be sweating a little bit, trying to go over some answers to some pre-empted questions, and you can’t seem to sit still.
Your partner turns to you and says, ‘Hey, don’t worry. You’re going to do great! They will love you’
Or perhaps you’re sitting in a local restaurant and you hear two friends behind you discussing an argument one of them had with their spouse. They’re explaining their side of things and asking, ‘Did I do the right thing?’
The other friend says to them wholeheartedly, ‘Absolutely. And either way, you two are made for one another. You will work it out’
These are examples of common, everyday occurrences of reassurance we offer one another. And so isn’t a behavior that is strictly limited to those with OCD.
In many circumstances, we are simply seeking feedback that our thoughts or actions are rational, or that we’ve done something correctly, and that we aren’t missing anything obvious.
Is reassurance-seeking healthy?
The difficulty with reassurance seeking, especially in any anxiety disorder, is that it can offer immediate relief. However, this is only a short-term fix.
The problem is, it’s a short-term fix that works rather well.
Those feelings of anxiety, uncertainty, and unease can dissipate quite quickly with a few reassuring words. Yet, it is in indulging the desire for reassurance over and over again that we maintain the OCD cycle.
A common belief, especially for those with OCD, is that over-analyzing those sticky thoughts and trying to find a solution to them will eventually help us get unstuck.
People with OCD can become stuck on reassurance-seeking itself.
Ultimately, it always comes back to wanting to find certainty. This is why reassurance is so effective in offering calm from the panic of doubt because we are confirming to ourselves that what we believe to be true is in fact so.
It is an attempt to feel absolutely sure.
Of course, this sense of reassurance fades as we can never be sure of anything with 100% certainty.
Reassurance in the context of OCD
So, we’ve looked at how it appears in day-to-day life outside the context of OCD.
But let’s now talk about it within the context of OCD.
Reassurance as a compulsion
Within the context of OCD, reassurance is a compulsion.
A ritualistic-like behavior performed with the intention to offer short-term relief from the anxiety and uncertainty caused by obsessions.
The difficulty with reassurance-seeking in OCD is that can become an automatic response that happens right underneath our noses. Especially reassurance-seeking as a mental compulsion. Mental compulsions are notoriously tricky precisely because we sometimes don’t even realize we’ve done them.
It requires a high level of awareness to begin interrupting the pattern.
Studies have shown that certain tendencies common in OCD, such as perfectionism and hyper-responsibility, cause feelings of intense guilt and shame when the sufferer does not feel in control of a situation.
Reassurance is once again just one of the many compulsions that do offer relief but keep the sufferer stuck in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions.
Self-reassurance in OCD
A study has shown that people with obsessive-compulsive disorder are more likely to participate in self-reassurance behaviors over other mental health disorders such as panic disorder.
When most people think of reassurance-seeking, we typically imagine asking a friend, family member, loved one, or professional to offer us comfort through reassurance. This may look like regularly contacting the doctor about our health.
It may look like asking our partner if they still love us.
But self-reassurance is as equally detrimental in OCD. This presents itself in a very similar way to checking OCD.
It can become a mental compulsion whereby the person with OCD feels the immense desire to check and reassure themselves through self-talk to alleviate the uncertainty and anxiety.
Examples of self-reassurance:
I’m not going to get sick
They do love me
I’ve cleaned the worktops plenty of times today
My car tires are pumped up, I remember doing it
I am not crazy
I love my children
Examples of reassurance-seeking within subtypes
- Are you sure I’m not a bad person?
- Are you sure I haven’t touched a child inappropriately today?
- Do you have similar thoughts?
- Are you sure I’m safe around children?
- Googling similar symptoms to see if they are “common” or “normal.”
- Asking if you went anywhere near a child today
- Confessing thoughts to partners or loved ones to prove you don’t like them
- Checking the local pedophile register to make sure I am not on it
- Confest that you avoided the park (repeated multiple times)
- Repetitively reading articles about OCD to reassure oneself that their thoughts are “Just my OCD.”
- Are you sure I didn’t hurt someone?
- Are you sure I didn’t harm my baby?
- Are you sure I am a good parent?
- Are you sure I didn’t cause you pain?
- Googling similar symptoms to see if they are “common” or “normal.”
- Repeating, “I do not want to hurt myself.”
- Repeating, “I am a good parent” creating a situation where people have to agree for reassurance outwardly
- Asking loved ones if they ran anyone over on the way home (repeated multiple times)
- Confessing, “I checked, and I made sure my child was safe”
- Asking loved ones to tell them if they heard about them on the news that day.
- Asking a loved one to see if there are sharp objects in the home.
- Repetitively reading articles about OCD to reassure oneself that their thoughts are “Just my OCD.
- Contamination OCD
- Asking repeatedly, “Are you sure this substance won’t hurt my skin?”
- “Are you sure it’s okay to touch this chemical?”
- “Are you sure I won’t get sick?”
- “Are you sure that’s cooked properly?”
- “Are you sure you’ve washed your hands?”
- Telling a partner about what they did that day to see if they are alarmed by my report
- Googling similar symptoms to see if contaminants are dangerous.
- Googling to make sure perceived contaminants won’t cause harm.
- Asking a loved one to make sure stationary is lined up “just so”
- Asking a loved one if objects or items make them “Feel wrong.”
- Googling similar symptoms to see if they are “common” or “normal.”
- Religious/Scrupulosity OCD
- Asking a loved one or religious leader, “Are you sure I’m a good person?” or, “Do you think I have sinned.”
- Asking a religious leader if they are interpreting the religious text correctly.
- Asking, “Are you sure I’m worthy and good?”
- Asking, “Are you sure I’m not evil?”
- Praying to their religious figure for a sign of reassurance that they are moral
- Reading religious texts repeatedly to prove they understand them fully and their intentions are “pure.”
- Asking religious leaders whether or not they have done or said anything that goes against their faith
- Googling similar symptoms to see if they are “common” or “normal.”
- Repetitively reading articles about OCD to reassure oneself that their thoughts are “Just my OCD.
- Asking a loved one or friend, “Do you feel similarly about your partner?”
- Asking one’s partner, “Are you sure you still find me attractive?” or, “Are you sure you still love me?
- Asking many people if they think your love for your partner is “enough.”
- Repetitively reading articles about OCD to reassure oneself that their thoughts are “Just my OCD.
- Asking friends for reassurance that they are a good partner or their partner is “attractive.”
- Asking loved ones if they have similar thoughts
- Asking others, “Do I still love my partner enough?”
- I do still find my partner attractive.
- Searching through your phone or theirs for signs of infidelity or “imperfection.”
- Googling or reading articles to reassure ourselves that we are still attracted to our partner
- Taking online quizzes to reassure themselves that they’re in the ‘right’ relationship with the ‘right’ person
- Taking online quizzes to reassure themselves that “I still want to be with them” or “they are the one.”
- Confessing to friends of certain behaviors and asking for reassurance that “Have I cheated?” (repetitively)
- Checking to make sure you don’t experience a groinal response toward someone you ‘shouldn’t’ find attractive
- Reading articles to get reassurance that they aren’t a different sexual orientation.
- Asking loved ones if they have similar thoughts.
- Repetitively reading articles about OCD to reassure oneself that their thoughts are “Just my OCD.
- Confessing, “I do not fancy (X) type of people (repetitively)” to see their reaction.
- Asking loved ones, “Are you sure I am not gay/straight?”
- Asking, “Are you sure it’s normal to think these thoughts?”
- Asking. “Are you sure it doesn’t mean something about me?”
- Googling similar symptoms to see if they are “common” or “normal.”
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Why reassurance seeking isn’t helping your OCD recovery
As with any compulsion, each time we engage in a compulsive behavior, we are actually keeping the OCD cycle in motion. We are teaching our brain that without reassurance we are not capable of managing uncertainty.
Although it may provide a moment of reprieve, the comfort of reassurance quickly fades and the sufferer finds themselves once again needing to navigate their intrusive thoughts and obsessions.
However, they have not yet allowed themselves to sit with that anxiety and uncertainty. Each time before, they have indulged in reassurance-seeking rituals. And so, their brain has not learned how to tolerate the feelings that arise from those obsessions.
As NOCD has stated, “Recovery from OCD requires habituation to the distress caused by uncertainty. And habituation cannot occur when reassurance keeps the person from getting exposure to uncertainty”
Reassurance Seeking Vs Information Seeking
The below chart is taken from the IOCDF. It was developed at the Anxiety Disorders Center, Saint Louis Behavioral Medicine Institute to demonstrate the difference between reassurance-seeking and information-seeking.
| Information-Seeking | Reassurance-Seeking |
| Asks a question once | Repeatedly asks the same question |
| Asks a question to be informed | Asks questions to feel less anxious |
| Accepts the answer provided | Responds to an answer by challenging the answerer, arguing, or insisting the answer be repeated or rephrased |
| Asks people who are qualified to answer | Often asks people who are unqualified to answer the question |
| Asks questions that are unanswerable | Often asks questions that are unanswerable |
| Seeks the truth | Seeks a desired answer |
| Accepts relative, qualified, or uncertain answers when appropriate | Insists on absolute, definitive answers whether appropriate or not |
| Pursues only the information necessary to form a conclusion or make a decision | Indefinitely pursues information without ever forming a conclusion or making a decision |
Once you take a moment to digest both columns, it becomes clear why excessive reassurance-seeking becomes unhelpful.
The reassurance-seeker is always after a specific desired answer to confirm their beliefs or suspicions are correct. This is what offers comfort.
Yet in doing so, they are not really seeking the truth of the matter from people who are qualified to give an answer. They are simply looking for an answer that fits their perspective or will give them the greatest relief from the uncertainty.
It is important to notice these differences because information-seeking in contrast is helpful.
It is the difference between going to the doctor with a concern, being told there is nothing to worry about, and accepting the response they give.
Versus, needing to go back to the doctor with the same concern over and over again even though you are given the same answer.
One is information-seeking, and the other is reassurance-seeking.
In OCD, it is difficult to accept the first answer given because no answer offers 100% certainty.
There always remains a niggling of doubt which is why the satisfaction with the answer never lasts.
How to stop seeking reassurance
The good news is, there are some amazing tools to help you with reassurance-seeking.
Within the context of OCD, reassurance-seeking must be approached like any other compulsion. Exposure response prevention (ERP) remains the current most effective treatment for OCD, and this particular ritualistic behavior is no different.
You may even wonder how you apply ERP to reassurance-seeking as a compulsion.
It works in much the same way as if you were to apply it to mental checking, or mental counting, as a compulsion. You must purposefully expose yourself to the triggering obsession and resist the urge to do compulsions – in this case, reassurance seeking.
For example, you may decide to take a drive in the car which triggers your harm obsessions.
Intrusive thoughts might pop up following your journey such as, what if I hit someone?
In this case, you would resist the urge to seek reassurance by checking the news or driving the same route to make sure there have been no accidents that you might have caused.
Instead, you arrive home and allow the uncertainty and anxiety without trying to get rid of it through reassurance-seeking behaviors.
1. Private Therapy
If you have concerns over whether or not you might be living with OCD, please speak to a qualified mental health professional.
We have an elite, highly qualified, and friendly team of OCD specialists based in California. Under the supervision of Kimberley Quinlan, top OCD and anxiety specialist, each of our ten team members follow Kimberley’s OCD treatment plan to allow for the most effective recovery process.
We pride ourselves on our high standards and compassion-focused approach.
If you would like to speak to one of our team, please click here to complete an intake form for an initial consultation.
2. ERP SCHOOL – A self-paced program
For those who do not currently have access or cannot afford private therapy, Kimberley has created ERP School. ERP School is an online self-paced program that gives you the exact tools and techniques Kimberley uses to help her private OCD clients manage their obsessions and compulsions.
You will be shown how to apply these tools and techniques to your own obsessions and your own compulsions so that you can stop letting intrusive thoughts control your life and resist the urge to do compulsions.
ERP School is open and accessible to all.
If 1:1 therapy is not an option for you right now, ERP School is an incredible resource that will give you everything you need to support yourself through the OCD recovery journey.
You can sign up for the program HERE.
How to support someone with excessive reassurance-seeking
It is helpful to know how we might help our loved ones who indulge in reassurance-seeking behavior.
Although it feels like we are doing the right thing by offering quick words of confirmation and comfort, in fact, we are only enabling their behavior.
If you recognize reassurance-seeking behavior in your loved one, or you notice you do it yourself and would like their support to stop, you can try the following:
- Agree to stop
Together you can agree to stop enabling their reassurance-seeking by not giving them the response they ‘need’ to feel better about their obsessions.
- Ask them to tell you when you’re doing it
Awareness of this particular ritual is key and as mentioned before, it can sneakily go undetected.
Make an agreement with your loved one for them to tell you if they notice you engaging in reassurance-seeking behaviors so you can bring it to the forefront of your awareness.
- Agree to only give honest answers
This may feel difficult, as we naturally feel inclined to tell our loved ones what they want to hear in times of distress. But as we now know, this only allows the OCD cycle to continue and is frightfully unhelpful.
Agree to give honest answers rather than the ones you know your loved one is looking for in order to find anxiety relief.
- Support them in getting qualified help
Especially in the case of OCD, the best way we can support our loved ones is to be there for them physically and emotionally (without enabling their reassurance-seeking behavior) and guide them toward professional support.
Although working with a therapist is the best way they could possibly help themselves, it can still be daunting.
Let them know you are there for them, but they are doing the best thing they can to help themselves by working with a qualified professional.
