How to Stop Worrying If People Are Judging You (A Compassionate Approach) | Ep. 410

In this episode, Kimberley Quinlan shares practical tools and mindset shifts to help you stop worrying about being judged and embrace authenticity.

Main Takeaways:

• Learn about the Spotlight Effect and why people aren’t judging you as much as you think.
• Discover how letting people judge and misunderstand you can actually set you free.
• Get practical tools to manage shame, humiliation, embarrassment, and anticipatory anxiety.
• Find out how self-compassion can be a game-changer in overcoming the fear of judgment.
• Explore exposure exercises and Rejection Therapy to build resilience to judgment and rejection.

How to Stop Worrying if People Are Judging You

Ever felt that sinking feeling in your stomach, worrying about what others might think of you? You’re not alone! In this episode of Your Anxiety Toolkit, licensed anxiety specialist Kimberley Quinlan dives into a struggle many of us face: the fear of judgment. With practical advice, she explores how we can embrace discomfort, overcome shame, and truly live without letting others’ opinions weigh us down.

Understanding the Spotlight Effect

The fear of being judged often stems from a phenomenon called the Spotlight Effect. This is a psychological concept where we feel like we’re the center of attention, even though most people are too preoccupied with their own thoughts to focus on us.

Imagine walking into a crowded room and feeling as though everyone’s eyes are on you. The truth? Most people are likely wrapped up in their own concerns. Embracing this idea can help release the pressure of constantly being “on stage.” So next time you feel self-conscious, remember: the spotlight isn’t actually on you!

Why We Fear Judgment: The Need for Belonging

This anxiety is often rooted in our need for connection and belonging. Evolutionarily, caring about others’ opinions helped us survive in groups. But today, this fear can hold us back from being our true selves.

The key to letting go? Allow others to have their opinions. Whether you do something bold or choose to stay in your comfort zone, people will always have thoughts about you. Letting go of needing everyone’s approval can be liberating.

Practical Skills for Overcoming the Fear of Judgment

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Start by being kind to yourself. Acknowledge that worrying about judgment is normal. When these feelings arise, take a deep breath and remind yourself: “It’s okay to feel this way; I’m not alone.” Practicing self-compassion can help us resist the urge to criticize ourselves.

2. Embrace Willingness and Uncertainty

To overcome the fear of judgment, cultivate a willingness to feel discomfort. Instead of avoiding situations where you might feel judged, try leaning into that discomfort. Remind yourself: “I can handle being judged.”

3. Exposure Therapy

Kimberley recommends exposure therapy as a way to build resilience. Start small by intentionally putting yourself in situations where you might feel judged—like wearing an outfit you love but feel self-conscious about, or speaking up in a meeting. With practice, you’ll realize that you can tolerate the discomfort of being judged.

4. Try Rejection Therapy

Rejection therapy takes exposure a step further by intentionally seeking out situations where rejection might happen. The idea? To build resilience to discomfort. For example, you might ask for a discount at a store or request a small favor from a stranger. The goal isn’t to get a “yes”; it’s to get comfortable with hearing “no” and to realize that rejection isn’t the end of the world.

Managing Shame: Moving Beyond Self-Doubt

Shame is a powerful emotion that often arises from fear of judgment, and it can keep us from living authentically. To manage shame:

• Self-Compassion: Recognize that feeling judged is hard, and offer yourself kindness. This can be a game-changer in handling shame.
• Common Humanity: Remember that everyone feels judged or misunderstood at some point. Remind yourself, “It’s okay to feel this. I’m not alone in this.”
• Label Your Emotions: When shame arises, label it and let it pass instead of letting it spiral into negative self-beliefs. Your feelings are meant for feeling—treat shame like any other emotion,observe it without engaging deeply.

Cultivating Resilience Against Judgment and Awkwardness

To combat the impact of judgment and awkwardness, normalize these feelings. Accept that awkwardness and uncertainty are normal parts of life. By embracing this, you free yourself from the constant need to “perform” perfectly.

Letting Go: Living a Life of Authenticity

In the end, worrying about what others think robs us of our joy. Embracing the idea that people might judge or misunderstand us—without trying to control their opinions—frees us to live authentically. You deserve to take up space and to live your life fully, regardless of others’ opinions.

So, let them judge. Let them misunderstand. And while they do, give yourself permission to live your beautifully imperfect life.

By practicing self-compassion, embracing uncertainty, and allowing others to have their opinions, you can reclaim your peace and live according to your values. Remember, it’s a beautiful day to do hard things.

 

 

Transcription: How to Stop Worrying If People Are Judging You (A Compassionate Approach)

“Hey everyone! Today, we’re diving into something that I know almost all of us struggle with at some point: worrying if people are judging us.

Welcome back to Your Anxiety Toolkit, where we talk about building a life you love while managing anxiety, OCD, panic, and all the challenging emotions that come with it.

I’m Kimberley Quinlan, a licensed anxiety specialist. Today, we’re discussing how to stop worrying if people are judging you.

Alright, let’s be real for a second.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt that sinking feeling in your gut, worrying about what someone might think about you.

It might be at work, with friends, on social media, or even just as you walk down the street.

Or, instead of a sinking feeling, maybe you feel like a deer in headlights, and your body goes into fight, flight, and freeze.  Maybe you feel nothing but terror.

 

We all fear being judged.

One thing that often really concerns me is people on the internet saying, “Stop worrying. NO ONE is judging you. Dont be silly! You are great!”

While that is lovely to hear and might make you feel less anxious for a while, the truth is that sometimes, people judge us.

What if I told you that there’s a way to lean into the uncertainty about what they are thinking and move through that fear so you can then move on and live your life without constantly being weighed down by it?”

“Before we dive deeper into these ideas and discuss how to manage the fear that people are judging you, let’s look at the facts a little closer.

Let’s talk about something called the Spotlight Effect.

The Spotlight Effect is a psychological concept that demonstrates how we (when we are anxious) overestimate how much other people notice about us.

We experience this as if we are on stage, in a room filled with people, and the spotlight is only on us. We feel like everyone is watching us and us only.

When we walk into a room, we wholeheartedly believe that everyone is watching our every move, scrutinizing our actions, and noticing every little mistake we make.

We FEEL them watching us in our whole being.

What is interesting is that research shows us that this interpretation is not realistic.  In the day-to-day, unless you are Taylor Swift up on stage, people are far more focused on themselves than on us.

Instead of scrutinizing us, they’re worrying about their own insecurities and how they might be perceived.

Maybe they are thinking about what they will have for lunch, about that fight they had with their girlfriend or about a stressful deadline at work.

Maybe they are focusing on holding a fart in, at least, that is what I sometimes wonder….just me? Hahah

Most of the time, other people are thinking about THEM.

Understanding the Spotlight Effect can be incredibly freeing—it helps us realize that we’re not actually in the spotlight as much as we think we are.

Most of the time, people are not paying nearly as much attention to us as we fear.

Keeping this in mind can be a powerful tool in letting go of the fear of being judged.”

….

“Now, this fear of judgment? It’s rooted in something very human: the need for belonging.

We’re hardwired to care about what others think of us because, from an evolutionary perspective, it helped us survive.

But in today’s world, this fear has gotten a little out of hand.

The fear of being judged keeps us playing small, overthinking our every move, and exhausting ourselves in the process.

Here’s the secret to letting go: let people judge you.

Practice the reps of letting people have their opinions about you.

The truth is people will judge you if you do something brave, and they will judge you if you don’t.

They might misunderstand you. They might make assumptions about you.

They might even say things that don’t align with who you are.

And…that’s OK. Really, it is.”

As someone who is public on social media, I constantly have to go head to head wit the fact that some people do not like me.

LET ME TELL YOU A STORY.

 

 

 

I have to let them misunderstand me and project their views about what is wrong and right onto me.

I get to lay down my ego and pride and allow them to have their opinions, knowing that opinions are not facts.

“The first big shift for me as I started working on this was to let people judge you.

LET THEM

 

I know that’s not what you might have been hoping to hear, but believe me. It will change your life..

Instead of fighting against the idea that someone might be judging you, what if you just respected their right to have an opinion?

What if you said, ‘Okay, someone out there might not like this version of me, and that’s okay’?

Because here’s the thing—their opinion is not about you.

It’s about them, their experiences, their worldview.

You can’t control it, and more importantly, you don’t have to.”

If someone watches this video and thinks, “Ew, I dont like her accent”, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with my accent.  It just means that they have an opinion.  Opinions are not facts.

Similarly, letting people misunderstand you is a powerful tool for reclaiming your peace.

You might be misunderstood by your coworkers, your friends, your family members.

And while our first instinct is to try and explain ourselves, to urgently convince people of our intentions or our goodness—what if we just let it be?

What if we accepted that not everyone will understand our choices, and that’s totally okay?

You don’t need everyone’s approval to be worthy or to be happy.”

What matters most is that you show up acting in accordance to your values.

If you value being kind, be kind.  If you value being expressive with your clothing, do that and allow them to have opinions of you.

Let them. And do nothing to try to change their opinions.  Opinions are not facts.

Now, this does not mean that you cannot be IN CONVERSATION with people who do not agree with you.  Not at all.

It also doesn’t mean you cant stand up for yourself.

This episode is not about silencing people.

Not at all.

Instead, it is more about you managing your emotions and reactions to their judgments so YOU can respond in a regulated, value-based way.

As many of you know, I have had a series of people who HATE me.

They have spread rumors about me. They have said horrible things about me.

The only real discomfort I have to navigate is the EMOTIONS I feel when I allow them to just have their opinions.

For me, it is all about managing not just anxiety but shame.

Shame is a powerful and painful emotion that often arises when we feel judged or think we might be judged.

It can feel like a heavy weight, telling us that we are not enough or that we are somehow flawed.

When I talk with some of my clients about the fear of being judged by others, they actually report that they too can tolerate the feeling of being judged, but its the feeling of shame that is the most painful.

Many of my clients will avoid many social events, just to avoid experiencing shame.

Some even say that the shame feels intolerable.

One way to manage shame is through self-compassion—validating yourself and how it doesnt feel good when people judge us.

The antidote to shame is treating yourself with gentle, loving kindness.

And, if we were to zero in on the real work, the key practice of self-compassion that can help us navigate this is common humanity.

Common Humanity is about identifying how all humans have experienced being judged or misunderstood.

Everyone makes mistakes and being imperfect is part of being human.

When you feel shame, you might  take a moment to breathe and say to yourself, ‘It’s okay to feel this. I am not alone in feeling this way.’

And remember that just because you feel the feeling of shame, does not mean you are inherently bad or unworthy.

Shame tells horrible lies, similar to depression or anxiety.

It tells us we are bad, but remember, just becasue you think something or feel something, does not mean it is true.

Our job is to mindfully and compassiontately allow shame to rise and fall on its own.

Notice it.

Allow it.

Do not get involved though. Do not do a dance with it where you go down a rabbit hole with it and find all the proof that you are a horrible person.

That is simply not nice, not fair, and not helpful.

To be honest, a lot of the work we need to do when feeling shame is to NOT MESS WITH IT.

DO NOT ENGAGE in its narrative.  Label it as shame and try to get back to what is important to you.

Humiliation and embarrassment are closely related to shame, but they often stem from specific situations where we feel exposed or vulnerable.

A helpful tool for managing these emotions is to again practice normalization. Remind yourself that everyone has embarrassing moments. You are not alone, and your value as a person is not defined by one awkward or uncomfortable experience.

Let me also jump in and remind you that awkwardness is a normal part of every form of communication.

Please do not go telling yourself that every encounter should be free from awkwardness.

Let it be awkward.  It’s okay.

The last big thing I want to you remember is to make space for uncertainty.

At the end of the day, we rarely know exactly what they are thinking of us.  We have to be okay with not knowing without assuming the worst.

If you are an “assume the worst” kind of person, this is going to be the absolute most important skill to take with you as you navigate social settings.

Allow uncertainty to be with you.  Be gentle with yourself as it rises and falls also.

For some people who REALLY struggle with this, another big part of this concern is the anticipatory anxiety they feel about just the idea that someone may or may not judge you.

Anticipatory anxiety is the anxiety we feel when we worry about something that hasn’t happened yet—often fearing that we will be judged or embarrassed.

Anticipatory anxiety makes you focus on future events and causes you to spend THIS moment worrying and ruminating.

One way to manage anticipatory anxiety is through mindfulness.

Bring your attention to the present moment instead of getting caught up in future worries.

Remind yourself that you can handle whatever comes your way, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Practice being uncertain, because the fact is, we have no proof that things will go bad.

We have to be disciplined with our brains and train it to return to the present.

Now, I get it. This might take a lot of practice and a lot of training, but I promise it is worth it.

Just like anything we want to get good at, we must put in the reps.

The key with all of these emotions is to remember that they are temporary.

They come and go like waves, and they don’t define who you are.

By practicing self-compassion and mindfulness, you can ride these waves without letting them pull you under.”

“Now, let’s talk about some practical tools to help you let go of the fear of judgment:

As always, the first thing you have to practice is TONS of Self-Compassion:

Start by being kind to yourself.

Remind yourself that feeling worried about judgment is a normal part of being human.

Take a deep breath and say to yourself, ‘It’s okay that I’m feeling this way. I’m not alone.’

And then, put your full attention on not beating yourself up or ruminating about what people “maybe” think about you. Remember the spotlight effect????

The second thing is to focus on the Willingness to have uncomfortable emotions, including uncertainty.

Willingness is about opening up to discomfort.

We can’t make the fear of judgment go away, but we can be willing to experience it.

When you notice yourself trying to avoid someone’s disapproving glance, take a pause and try leaning into that discomfort instead.

Remind yourself: ‘I can handle being judged.’

From a clinical perspective, I always put a focus on a clients Exposure Practice:

One of th e best ways to practice letting go of judgment is through exposure.

Start small.

Wear an outfit you love but have always felt self-conscious about.

Speak up in a meeting even if you’re scared of what others might think.

By exposing yourself to these situations, you’re teaching your brain that you can tolerate the discomfort of being judged.

Another powerful twist on exposure therapy is something called Rejection Therapy.

Rejection Therapy is all about intentionally putting yourself in situations where you are trying to be rejected, so you can build resilience to the discomfort of rejection and judgment.

AS crazy as it sounds, it can actually be kinda fun.

It might sound a little intimidating at first, but it can actually be quite empowering.

Start with small challenges, like asking for a discount at a store or asking a stranger for spare change.

The goal isn’t actually to get a ‘yes,’.

The goal is to get comfortable with the possibility of hearing ‘no’ and realizing that you can survive it.

I have had many clients use this strategy to overcome their fear of being rejected or judged and their recovery sky rocketed.

The key is that they practice self-kindness every step of the way. That is key.

You cant go out and try to get rejected and then beat yourself up the whole time.

That just defeats to whole purpose.

What they learned is over time, these experiences helped them become less afraid of rejection and less concerned about what others thought about them.

REALLY POWERFUL STUFF.

OK GUYS. Lets review.

At the end of the day, living in fear of what others think of us robs us of our joy.

You deserve to take up space.

You deserve to be yourself, even if others don’t fully get it.

Let them judge. Let them misunderstand.

And while you’re at it, give yourself permission to live your beautiful, messy, authentic life anyway.

Thanks for being here with me today, and remember, it’s a beautiful day to do hard things. See you in the next episode!”