How to Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction | Ep. 430

In this episode of Your Anxiety Toolkit, Kimberley Quinlan shares why we spiral after social situations and gives you a 4-step strategy to break the overthinking cycle with self-compassion and intention.

What you’ll learn in this episode:

• Why your brain replays every detail after a social interaction
• How childhood messages and social media fuel self-criticism
• The surprising link between shame and social anxiety
• A simple 4-step process to interrupt rumination in the moment
• Creative ways to redirect your attention toward what matters most
• What to do when your brain pulls you back into the spiral (again and again)

Why You Overthink Every Social Interaction—and How to Stop

Ever leave a conversation and immediately replay every word you said, cringing at something you might have done wrong? If your brain becomes a mental crime scene after every social encounter, you’re definitely not alone.

In this episode of Your Anxiety Toolkit, licensed therapist and anxiety specialist Kimberley Quinlan unpacks why we tend to overanalyze social situations—and more importantly, how to stop. Whether you struggle with social anxiety, OCD, panic, or perfectionism, these science-backed strategies will help you gently redirect your mind and reconnect with what truly matters.

Why Do We Overthink Social Situations?

Overthinking isn’t random—it’s usually our brain’s attempt to gain control and avoid discomfort. If you’ve ever spiraled after a conversation, it’s likely because:

• You’re trying to figure out how to prevent future embarrassment
  
• You’re searching for certainty about what others thought of you
  
• You’ve been conditioned—often since childhood—to be hyper-aware of how others perceive you
  
• You may have a heightened sensitivity to shame or humiliation, especially if you struggle with social anxiety

Some researchers even suggest social anxiety might be better understood as a shame disorder, not just an anxiety disorder. That shame can drive a relentless loop of mental review, criticism, and self-doubt.

The Role of Social Media and Early Messaging

We live in a world that thrives on image and perception. From an early age, you may have received messages like:
“Don’t act like that, people will think it’s weird.”
“You always say the wrong thing.”

These messages can shape how we interact with others well into adulthood. Add social media into the mix, and there’s constant pressure to “perform” in social situations.

The 4-Step Process to Stop Overthinking Social Interactions

Thankfully, Kimberley offers a compassionate 4-step method to help you interrupt this pattern and regain peace of mind.

1. Recognize the Spiral

Awareness is the foundation. The sooner you notice you’re ruminating, the sooner you can intervene. Try tracking your rumination habits:

• When does it tend to happen? (e.g., in the shower, driving home, lying in bed)
  
• What are the common triggers?
  
• How does it feel in your body?
  

A simple rumination log can increase awareness and empower you to create new responses.

2. Intervene with Intention

Once you know your patterns, proactively interrupt the rumination. For example, if you often spiral during your commute, try:

• Listening to a podcast or audiobook
  
• Calling a friend or loved one
  
• Practicing deep breathing or mindfulness
  
• Rehearsing positive affirmations
  

Remember, the goal isn’t to solve the social situation—it’s to step away from the mental loop entirely.

3. Refuse the Illusion of Certainty

This step is key: You’re not going to figure it all out.
Your brain may try to convince you that if you replay the moment just one more time, you’ll get the clarity or closure you crave. But here’s the truth: it’s already done. Rehashing it won’t change what happened—and it won’t protect you from discomfort in the future.

Instead, choose to lean into uncertainty with compassion. You didn’t sign a contract with the universe to get everything perfect.

4. Pivot to What Matters

Each time you notice yourself ruminating, gently redirect your attention toward what aligns with your values. This might include:

• Being present with your family
  
• Focusing on creativity or hobbies
  
• Connecting authentically with others
  
• Practicing kindness toward yourself
  

This isn’t about distraction—it’s about choosing how you want to spend your mental energy.

What If You Keep Falling Back Into Overthinking?

You will. And that’s okay.
Rumination is a habit, and habits don’t disappear overnight. When your brain returns to the spiral (and it will), simply notice it, name it, and redirect—over and over again. Each redirection is like a mental rep at the gym. With time, you’ll build the strength to break the cycle more easily.

Final Reminder: You’re Not Alone, and You’re Not Broken

You are not defined by your anxious thoughts. You are so much more than the inner critic in your head. As Kimberley gently reminds us:
“You are more brave than you think, you have more connection than you know, and you are more lovable than you can even imagine.”

It’s okay to be imperfect.
It’s okay to be uncertain.
And it’s okay to not have it all figured out.

Try This: Practice Saying “It’s Done”

Next time your mind tries to revisit a social moment, try saying:
“It’s done. I’m not engaging.”
And then gently pivot to something that matters to you.

Final Words from Kimberley

This journey is imperfect and often frustrating. But every time you choose compassion over criticism, every time you pivot away from rumination, you’re building a life that aligns with your values.
And that, friends, is incredibly brave.

If you loved this episode, be sure to check out:

• CBTSchool.com
• Your Anxiety Toolkit Podcast
  
• Subscribe to the newsletter for weekly support, tools, and virtual hugs

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Transcription: How to Stop Overthinking Every Social Interaction

You leave a conversation and suddenly your brain becomes a crime scene. Why did I say that? Did they think I was weird? Should I have acted differently? If this sounds familiar to you, you’re in the right place. In today’s episode will break down why your brain spirals after social situations, and we’re going to give you practical science-based tools to stop the overthinking cycle in its tracks. Welcome to your Anxiety Toolkit podcast, where I bring you all the virtual hugs and practical strategies to help you face your fears and live each day with courage and compassion. I’m Kimberly Quinlan. I’m a licensed therapist and anxiety specialist, and today we are talking all about how to stop overthinking every single social interaction. Whether you’re struggling with social anxiety, OCD, panic or perfectionism, this podcast is your space to learn science backed tools to build a life you love, even with fear on board. Welcome everybody. Okay, so let’s talk about why we overthink every social situation, you guys. A lot of this is because we want control. Usually when we overthink, we are trying to find a world where things make sense. We’re trying to solve how we could have fixed the problem so we don’t have discomfort, so we don’t have anxiety, so bad things don’t happen. We overthink because we don’t like uncertainty, we don’t like being judged. We’ve talked about that in previous episodes and we overthink because some of us, particularly those with social anxiety, we know based on research that they tend to have a higher level of sensitivity to emotions like embarrassment and humiliation. They can feel unbearable and they can often have a shame response to these emotions. Some researchers and clinicians actually think of social anxiety as a shame disorder, not an anxiety disorder, and I have had many clients very much resonate with that. Now, there is another reason that we overanalyze and overthink everything, and that is often because in our childhood, often we have people make comments about us. Maybe they said, oh, I noticed such and such about you, or Don’t be that way. Don’t say that. Don’t act that way. They’re going to think this if you do this, and those messages can actually make us overanalyze. Small little things that we do when we are out and about. We often do have those messages in our brain, and now in this day and age, social media has made that so much harder and so much more prominent. As we navigate social situations, we can use those experiences and hone in on them and become very, very, very, very critical. And then when we have that uncertainty, we move back into over analyzing, over ruminating, overthinking every little social interaction that we had. Now, I am going to give you a four step process to help stop overthinking, so let’s get started. Number one, we have to recognize when we are in a thought spiral. Awareness is key here. It is so important. If we are someone who tends to do a lot of rumination, we first have to be able to catch it when we’re doing it. Now, that can take some practice. Awareness is a skill and a tool that we can use, and the more we use it, the better we get at catching it and the sooner we can catch it, the more we can lessen the impact. So first of all, you may number one, use a log and log down every time that you catch yourself. You might find that you do more rumination during certain times of the day or during certain activities. I’ve had clients when they’re logged down, when they are ruminating, that they’ve found that they ruminated more in the shower or driving. They’ve thought more about things they’ve said as they put their head down on the pillow and that when they’ve turned the lights out and all of the noise goes away, that’s when their brain starts to think, oh, you said this and what did they think about that? In some cases, you come up with scenarios that didn’t even happen. You start to think you said things that you didn’t even think. That’s the power of our creative and imaginative brain. So number one, do practice logging or being more aware of where you’re doing this behavior when you’re doing this behavior. Once you do that, then you can start to implement actions during those times. If you do it mostly on your way home from work, so you’ve been at work, you’ve done your day’s work, and as you’ve driven home, that’s when you start to overanalyze. That might be an important practice to intervene by adding a different action, whether it be you listen to a podcast, you rehearse things, you learn a language, you listen to an audio book, you call a family member. You’re doing this to intervene so that you don’t ruminate, so that you don’t just sit and spin on mental compulsions on all the little things you did wrong. Remember, we actually want to be uncertain. We want to practice not solving how you acted because it’s in the past, it’s done. There’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing we can come back with. It’s being done. Your job is to stay present or stay in the future. The next step is to refuse the illusion that you will figure this out, that you know what they’re thinking, that you can solve this one, refuse the illusion that you will get anywhere away from the discomfort you feel. What we want to do instead of finding certainty and how it went or solving it or trying to prevent it from happening in the future is then to come from a place of compassion and kindness and imperfection, and then that last step is to pivot and redirect your attention to what you do have control over to what you want to focus on or to things you value. So let’s say, let’s play this out. You’ve been at a work event or a social event. You did the best you could. When you get in the car, if the car is the place that you know you’re starting to overthink or wherever you are, we want to identify, this is where I’m going to start beating myself up. This is where I’m going to start overanalyzing every little thing. We might want to acknowledge that we don’t know what they’re thinking, that we didn’t ever sign a contract with the earth that we were going to get it right the first time. We’re going to give ourselves permission to be imperfect, and we’re going to set very strong boundaries with ourselves by saying, I am not engaging in any rumination about the past. Now let’s troubleshoot this a little bit. It is completely normal for you to fall back into the trap of overthinking. That is a normal human response here. When you catch yourself going off into overthinking again, that’s fine. Just again, become aware and bring yourself back to the present or something that you’re pivoting towards. In a few minutes, your brain is going to start overthinking again, not a problem. We are not going to get frustrated. We’re not going to beat ourselves up. We’re going to just notice, of course, my brain wants to solve this, and again, be aware, be gentle and redirect back to the present. Now, guess what’s going to happen? Your brain is going to pivot back onto overthinking, back onto criticism, back onto trying to solve this interaction, to review it, to go over everything you said and what they could have thought and what you could have said better, and oh my God, you know what I mean? Those moments where you wish, oh, if only I had a thought about such and such, you’re going to catch yourself and bring yourself back to the present. I don’t care if you have to do this a million times for every time you bring yourself back to the present and pivot back to your values, is a moment that you’ve done a repetition of this practice that will make you stronger in the long run, that will strengthen the habit of you being present instead of ruminating, instead of catastrophizing how bad it was. That is the work we are here to do. It is imperfect work. It is repetitious work. It can get frustrating, yes, but we’re going to do the reps and put in the time so that we can practice this compassionate skill so we can stop constantly trying to figure it out again, what’s done is done. It’s in the past. Hold your heart with compassion that it may have not have gone as well as you would’ve liked. Take a breath in that moment and then come back to what matters to you most, which my guess is compassion, connection, fulfillment, love, creativity, humor, playfulness. We’ve talked about this before. You are more brave than you think you have, more connection than you think you are, more lovable than you can even imagine. There is so much good in you. There is so many things about you that you can connect with other people on. Go and do that. All right, have a wonderful week everybody. I’ll see you in the next episode. Before we take over, let’s do two most empowering little segments that we can. The first one is the, I did a hard thing segment. This one is from anonymous, and they said I enjoyed my birthday. It’s been hard for me to enjoy special occasions because of anxiety. When I got anxious about something that didn’t happen, I was able to let it go and move on. It was one of my best birthdays anonymous. I can resonate with this so much. So thank you so much for sharing that. You very much did do a hard thing, and I hope since then you had had many beautiful, beautiful birthdays and this review of the week, you guys, oh, it’s probably one of my favorites, and it’s from Andrea. Andrea said, the kind Australian voice that accompanies me on my commute to work every morning. I really love how gentle you are and how you talk about the nitty gritty of anxiety and OCD. I’m not sure if this review will be read directly by Kimberly. Here we are, Andrea, but if it is the case, I’d like to take the chance to say thank you. You are the voice in my head when I feel overwhelmed throughout the day. You are the voice that is so kind to me when I cannot be. You have lifted me out of a deep depression due to undiagnosed OCD and shown me a world where I can work through the grip of OCD that has had on my life, and I can be compassionate to myself while doing it. It may sound cliche and dramatic, but Kimberly, you saved my life. So in return, I’m sending you a thank you and a big fat virtual hug. Oh, Andrea, thank you my love. I am brought to tears by this absolute beautiful review. Thank you. Thank you. It is an honor to be with you all as we walk this path together. It is so hard, but I hope that we can all bring each other compassion and love and a fat virtual hug. So Andrea, thank you, and I wish you all a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful week. I’ll see you next one. Please note that this podcast or any other resources from cbt school.com should not replace professional mental health care. If you feel you would benefit, please reach out to a provider in your area. Have a wonderful day, and thank you for supporting cbt school com.