How to Stay Patient (and Calm) When Anxious | Ep. 405

If you want to learn how to stay patient and calm when anxious, you’re in the right place. But let’s address the elephant in the room—staying “calm” isn’t really what we’re aiming for in anxiety recovery. Because let’s be honest: When anxiety shows up, staying calm can feel impossible. In my clinical experience, the secret to staying calm when anxious is based on one essential skill, and that skill is patience.

What you will learn: 

• Discover why staying “calm” doesn’t mean being free from anxiety.
• Learn why patience is the real secret to reducing anxiety spirals.
• Explore four key strategies to help you slow down and manage anxiety more effectively.
• Find out how to stay present with discomfort, even when every part of you wants to escape.
• Understand the role of self-compassion in responding to anxiety without judgment.

Introduction: Understanding What It Means to Be Calm and Patient

Hello there! My name is Kimberley Quinlan. I am a licensed anxiety specialist, and you are listening to Your Anxiety Toolkit, where you learn exactly how to manage anxiety and overcome anxiety using the same science-based, compassion-focused strategies and tools I use with my 1-on-1 clients.

If you’ve ever wondered how to stay patient and calm when anxiety shows up, this episode is for you. Today, I’m breaking down four strategies you can use when anxiety, panic, or stress feel overwhelming. We’ll cover what it means to be truly calm, how to handle panic attacks, and why being willing to feel discomfort is the most powerful tool in managing anxiety.

Why Staying Calm Isn’t About the Absence of Anxiety

Now, before we get into the practical skills and strategies, let’s bust one huge myth—when we talk about being “calm,” we are not talking about the absence of anxiety. People who are “calm” in the face of stress, panic disorder, OCD, or some other anxiety disorder aren’t necessarily free from anxiety at that moment. The idea of staying calm means choosing not to rush through discomfort or react with urgency. It’s about slowing down, even when every part of you wants to speed up. And this is where patience comes in.

How Practicing Patience Changes Your Brain’s Response to Anxiety

When we practice patience, we’re telling ourselves, “This is uncomfortable, but I’m going to stay present. I’m not going to run away, rush through it, or engage in safety behaviors.” This doesn’t make the anxiety disappear, but it does change how you relate to it, and it changes how your brain interprets the stressor. Being patient in the face of anxiety allows you to stay with your values and keep showing up for what’s important, even when your brain is screaming at you to react.

Understanding the Anxiety Cycle and the Role of Patience

From a scientific standpoint, when we’re anxious, our brain goes into fight-or-flight mode, urging us to escape the discomfort as quickly as possible. This is a normal response when our brain detects danger. You might find yourself frantically checking your body for symptoms if you have health anxiety, performing rituals if you have OCD, or rushing through conversations if you have social anxiety. For many folks, they immediately start ruminating, trying to frantically solve their fear, hoping to eliminate the uncertainty and doubt they feel. Each time you do this, you’re reinforcing the belief that anxiety is dangerous and that it must be eliminated immediately. This keeps you stuck in the anxiety cycle.

What Happens When You Practice Patience?

But when you practice patience, you’re telling your brain, “I can handle this.” Being patient and calm isn’t about eliminating anxiety; it’s about building your tolerance for it by staying present, moving slowly, and choosing not to engage in reactive behaviors.

Why People with Anxiety Struggle with Patience

In my 14 years as an anxiety specialist, almost every client reported that they consider themselves impatient. They have a natural affinity for solving problems, like to fix things, and hate when they can’t figure something out. Impatience usually comes from the refusal to experience discomfort. When you’re anxious, your brain says, “Get rid of this now!” So, you might react impulsively, engage in safety behaviors, or avoid situations entirely. But here’s the thing—every time you respond to anxiety with urgency, you’re feeding the anxiety.

For example, if you have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), impatience might look like overplanning or endlessly worrying to resolve uncertainty. If you have panic disorder, you might try to escape the sensations of panic urgently. Each time you respond this way, you’re telling yourself, “I can’t handle this feeling,” which makes the anxiety stronger.

4 Strategies for Practicing Patience When Anxious

1. Pause and Observe the Urge to React

When anxiety shows up, the first thing we want to do is slow down. Pause. Just take a breath and observe what’s happening. Notice the urge to react without acting on it. This is a great way to practice staying calm in the face of anxiety because you’re creating a space between yourself and the urge.

For example, if you have panic disorder, and your mind is saying, “Get out! I can’t handle this!”—pause. Breathe. Say to yourself, “I’m noticing this urge to escape, but I’m going to stay here for a moment longer.” You don’t have to stay forever—just a little longer. By doing this, you’re building the skill of patience.

2. Stay in the Discomfort

The next strategy is to stay in the discomfort. This one’s really important because anxiety recovery is not about eliminating anxiety or discomfort—it’s about being willing to feel it. Willingness means saying to yourself, “I’m willing to feel this anxiety, even if it’s really hard, because I know that avoiding it or reacting impulsively only makes things worse.”

When you’re willing to experience discomfort, you’re no longer trying to escape it, and that’s where the power comes in. For example, if you’re managing panic disorder, willingness might look like letting the panic sensations rise and fall without trying to suppress them. If you have OCD, willingness might mean letting the intrusive thoughts be there without reacting to them. Being willing to feel discomfort doesn’t mean you’re okay with it or that it’s easy—it means you’re choosing to stay present with the discomfort because you know running away from it will only make it stronger.

3. Return to What Matters

When anxiety shows up, it can feel like your entire focus is on just making it go away. But one of the most powerful ways to practice patience is to keep returning to what matters to you. Anxiety will tell you that you can’t do anything until you feel better. But you can still take meaningful action, even when anxiety is present.

Let’s say you’re struggling with health anxiety, and you feel the urge to check a symptom. Instead of responding immediately, ask yourself, “What do I want to focus on right now that really matters?” Maybe it’s being present with your family or getting back to a work project. By doing what matters, even while feeling anxious, you’re practicing real calm. You’re showing yourself that anxiety doesn’t have to control your actions.

4. Be Gentle with Yourself

The final strategy is to be gentle with yourself. When anxiety shows up, your first instinct might be to criticize yourself for not handling it better or for not being “calm enough.” But here’s the thing: self-criticism only makes it harder to be patient. Instead, try talking to yourself the way you would to a loved one. Say, “This is really hard right now, and it makes sense that I’m struggling. I’m going to be kind to myself as I navigate this.”

How Patience Builds Long-Term Calm

Each time you practice patience, you’re sending a message to your brain: “I can handle this. I don’t need to rush or run away.” That’s how you build long-term calm. Staying patient and calm doesn’t mean you’re eliminating anxiety; it means you’re learning how to respond to it differently. You’re choosing to slow down, let go of the urgency, and allow yourself to move through life even when discomfort shows up.

Final Thoughts on Staying Patient and Calm When Anxious

So, as we close out, I hope this gave you some new ways to think about staying patient and calm when anxious. Remember, building patience isn’t about avoiding discomfort; it’s about learning to be with it—slowly, mindfully, and with a whole lot of self-compassion. The more you practice, the stronger you’ll become.