This episode breaks down how OCD can quietly strain relationships and teaches partners practical, compassionate strategies to communicate better, set healthy boundaries, and reconnect as a team.

Teaser bullet points:

Why OCD doesn’t just impact the individual — it changes the entire relationship dynamic
The foundational elements every couple needs in place before tackling OCD together
How partners can support without over-accommodating or slipping into a caretaker role
Simple communication tools that reduce defensiveness and increase connection
What to do when compulsions start interfering with daily life (and how to set loving boundaries)
How to bring play, joy, and friendship back into a relationship touched by OCD

How OCD Affects Relationships (And What Partners Need to Know)

When OCD shows up in a relationship, it doesn’t just affect the person who has it. It impacts the whole system: the partner, the family, the daily rhythm, and even how safe and connected you both feel with each other.

In this episode, I sat down with therapist and OCD specialist Kristina Orlova (host of The OCD Whisperer podcast) to talk honestly about what it’s like to love someone with OCD—and to be in a relationship where OCD is in the mix.

Whether you’re the partner with OCD or the partner supporting someone with OCD, you are very welcome here.

Image of Kimberley and Kristina for podcast - How OCD Affects Relationships

Content

OCD in Relationships: More Than Just “Managing Symptoms”

When we think about OCD, we often think about obsessions, compulsions, rituals, and anxiety. But in a relationship, OCD is never happening in a vacuum—it’s layered on top of:

Your communication patterns
Your existing trust and attachment
Your history (including trauma or past unhealthy relationships)
Your friendship and emotional bond

Kristina shared that both she and her husband have OCD. She described how relationship OCD (ROCD) and her husband’s OCD interact, and how that created a very “interesting dynamic” to navigate.

The big takeaway:

OCD is one part of your relationship—but the health of the relationship underneath still matters just as much.

You’re not just “managing their OCD.” You’re building (or rebuilding) a safe, loving, resilient partnership that can hold both your humanness and the OCD.

The Foundation: A Relationship That Feels Like a Safe Zone

Before we talk about scripts, boundaries, or how to respond to compulsions, we need to zoom out:

Ask: Is This Relationship Fundamentally Safe and Supportive?

Kristina described a healthy relationship as a place where you can:

Be truly yourself—vulnerable, messy, imperfect
Feel like a “little kid” who can come out and play
Be open and honest without fear of being punished or mocked
Know this is your “safe zone” in a very unsafe world

Many people didn’t grow up with this kind of safety, so they don’t even know what to look for. That can make it easy to end up in relationships that are:

Unstable
Critical or invalidating
Lacking boundaries
Filled with unspoken resentment

When OCD gets layered on top of an already fragile relationship, everything feels more intense.

Build (or Rebuild) the Friendship First

Kristina emphasized something simple but powerful:
A solid friendship at the core of a romantic relationship changes everything.

Ask yourself:

Do I genuinely like this person?
Do we enjoy spending time together?
Can we talk, laugh, and be together without it always being about OCD or problems?
Do I feel like this is my “right-hand person” in life?

From that foundation, it becomes much easier to say:

“We’re a team. OCD is the problem—not each other.”

What Partners Often Feel When OCD Is in the Room

Partners of people with OCD often arrive in therapy feeling:

Exhausted and burned out by constant reassurance, rituals, or crises
Guilty for wanting boundaries or not wanting to accommodate
Confused about what helps vs. what feeds the OCD
Resentful because their own needs keep getting pushed aside
Helpless when their loved one seems stuck, even with treatment

Kristina described a spectrum she sees:

On one end: “This is your thing—handle it. I don’t want to be involved.”
On the other end: Totally enmeshed and accommodating, feeling like they must fix or soothe everything and then feeling resentful, drained, or invisible.

Neither extreme works. The goal isn’t to disappear nor to become the “OCD police.”
The goal is balanced, compassionate partnership.

Step One Skill: Learn to Really Hear Each Other

It sounds basic, but most couples skip this step when emotions are high.

Practice “Slow Listening”

In heated moments, we think we’re listening—but often we’re just waiting for our turn to respond or defend.

A simple communication structure you can use:

One person shares what’s going on for them.
The other reflects back:
- “What I heard you say is…”
The first person responds:
- “Yes, that’s right.” or “Almost—can I tweak one part?”
Then you switch.

You don’t move on until both of you can say:

“Yes, that’s what I mean. You got me.”

This slows the conversation down and clears out misunderstandings before you talk about solutions, accommodations, or boundaries.

Timing Matters: Don’t Solve Everything in the Heat of the Moment

When OCD is activated (or when both people are angry, overwhelmed, or hurt), problem-solving will almost always go badly.

Kristina suggests:

Pause the conversation when emotions are too high
Take at least 30 minutes apart (sometimes even a full day)
Use that time to calm your nervous system: walk, breathe, journal, listen to music, stretch
Agree ahead of time on a rule like:

“When either of us is too activated, we’ll pause and come back later. That doesn’t mean we’re abandoning each other—it means we’re protecting the relationship.”

You might even add a small connecting gesture during a pause:

A hand on the shoulder
“I love you, I just need some time to calm down. I’ll come back.”

That builds trust: we may argue, but we don’t vanish.

Move From “Me vs. You” to “Us vs. the Problem”

When mental health struggles show up—OCD, depression, health anxiety, panic—it’s easy for the story to become:

“My anxiety vs. my partner”
“Their OCD vs. my needs”
“I’m doing all the work and they’re not changing”

This fuels defensiveness and score-keeping.

Instead, try to come back to:

“We are on the same team. It’s us vs. OCD. Us vs. disconnection. Us vs. the problem.”

You might even say this out loud in hard moments:

“I’m not against you—I’m against this OCD cycle we keep getting pulled into.”
“I’m on your side. I’m frustrated with the situation, not with who you are.”

This shift alone can soften the room and make it safer to problem-solve.

The Trap of “Negative Stacking” (And How to Stop It)

Kristina shared a concept often called negative stacking: when your brain starts silently building a case against your partner.

It sounds like:

“They did this compulsive thing again.”
“They were late last week too.”
“They ignored their homework.”
“They never listen to their therapist.”

Soon you have an internal list of how they’re failing or how unfair this is.
And while some of those facts might be true, the stacking creates:

More resentment
Less compassion
Less flexibility
A story of “They’re the problem,” instead of “We’re stuck in a painful pattern.”

How to Interrupt Negative Stacking

Notice when your mind is making a list of their mistakes.
Gently label it: “Oh, that’s negative stacking.”
Ask yourself:
- “What else is true?”
- “When have they tried?”
- “What effort did I see this week, even if it was small?”

This doesn’t mean ignoring real issues. It means looking at the whole picture, not just the painful parts.

Becoming a Cheerleader Instead of a Constant Critic

Many partners believe:

“If I keep pointing out what they’re not doing—maybe that will motivate them to change.”

In reality, constant criticism usually:

Increases shame
Decreases motivation
Damages trust and intimacy
Makes OCD stronger (because people often use compulsions to numb shame or fear of failure)

Kristina and I explored a different experiment for partners:

Try This Shift

Instead of:
“You didn’t do your exposures again.”
“You’re still checking the door.”
“Your therapist said not to do that.”

Practice:

“I saw you shorten your checking from 20 minutes to 10. That’s a big deal.”
“I noticed you sat with that intrusive thought without asking me for reassurance. That was brave.”
“I know how hard this is, and I see you trying. I’m really proud of you.”

Partners sometimes say:

“But they don’t deserve that yet.”

What we’re really doing here is reinforcing effort, not “rewarding perfection.”
That encouragement often does more for recovery than any amount of scolding ever could.

Setting Loving Boundaries Around Compulsions

Let’s be honest: compulsions do impact everyone.

Handwashing that makes the family late
Door checking that goes on for half an hour
Reassurance questions that show up 30 times a day

It’s okay—and important—for partners to have limits.

Step 1: Talk About It When Things Are Calm

Don’t wait until you’re both rushing out the door or already angry.

Choose a calm moment and say something like:

“I love you, and I want us to work as a team around OCD. Can we talk about how your checking/washing/reassurance is affecting me and the family?”
“You matter, and so does our time and our connection. I’d like us to come up with a plan that respects both.”

Then ask:

“What do you want from me in those moments when OCD is loud?”
“What’s actually helpful vs. what just keeps you stuck?”

Step 2: Agree on Specific Parameters

For example:

“I’ll answer reassurance questions twice, and then I’ll gently stop.”
“We can leave the house 5 minutes later to give you time to do your skills—but if you’re still stuck after that, I’m going to go ahead so we’re not late.”
“If I see you checking the door for more than 10 minutes, I’ll say our agreed-upon phrase: ‘That’s OCD talking.’ Then I’ll walk away and let you decide what to do.”

It’s not all-or-nothing. You can be kind and have boundaries.

Step 3: Expect Discomfort (For Both of You)

For the partner with OCD:

It will feel scary, frustrating, or “unfair” when accommodations go down.
That’s not a sign something is wrong. That’s exposure.

For the supporting partner:

You may feel guilt when you stop accommodating.
You may worry: “Am I being too harsh?”

That’s where you remind yourself:

“I’m not abandoning them. I’m helping both of us step out of OCD’s grip.”

When You’ve Slipped Into a Caretaker Role

Over time, many partners find themselves functioning more like a parent, therapist, or nurse than a romantic partner.

Signs you may be in that role:

You feel responsible for keeping their anxiety “manageable.”
You’re constantly planning around their OCD.
You feel resentful and burnt out.
Intimacy and play are minimal or gone.

Step Back and Ask: How Did We Get Here?

This didn’t happen overnight. Usually it begins with:

“Just helping” a bit more
Offering reassurance to calm them down
Accommodating rituals “just this once”

Over time, it snowballs.

Kristina suggests:

Have an honest, loving conversation about how you both contributed to this pattern.
Name what isn’t working anymore: the resentment, the exhaustion, the child-parent dynamic.
Recommit to nurturing a mutual, adult partnership, not a one-way caretaker role.

Sometimes that might mean bringing in:

Couples therapy
An OCD specialist
Intensive treatment if symptoms are severe and consuming the relationship

Bringing Joy and Play Back Into the Relationship

When OCD takes center stage, couples often realize:

“We don’t do anything together anymore that isn’t about symptoms.”

One exercise a couples therapist once asked us (and that I now often encourage) is:

Ask Each Other:

“What do we do that is just for us?”
Not for the kids.
Not for work.
Not for OCD.

If the answer is, “We fold laundry and talk about problems,” it’s time to intentionally bring back:

Games (Uno, board games, video games)
Shared hobbies (cooking, walking, gardening, art)
Micro-moments of fun (inside jokes, silly texts, music in the kitchen)

This isn’t frivolous. Play and joy are:

Nervous system regulators
Bond builders
Reminders that you’re more than OCD, more than stress, more than “symptom managers”

graphic showing Loving Boundaries for ROCD

A Core Practice: Slowing Down

If you remember just one thing from this article, let it be this:

Slow down.

Slow down when:

OCD is ramping up
An argument starts to escalate
You feel the urge to prove you’re right
You feel yourself stacking negatives in your mind
You’re about to say the thing you can’t unsay

Slowing down helps you:

Check in with what you really want (connection, not victory)
Access love and compassion instead of pure defensiveness
Choose a response that honors both the relationship and your own limits

This isn’t something you “master” in 6 weeks. It’s a lifelong practice, just like recovery itself.

When to Consider Extra Support

It might be time to seek additional help if:

OCD rituals are taking over your days
Fights about OCD are constant and intense
One or both of you feels hopeless or done
You’re in full caretaker mode and can’t climb out on your own

Options include:

Individual therapy with an OCD specialist (ERP-based)
Couples therapy with a clinician who understands anxiety/OCD dynamics
Intensive or higher-level care when symptoms are severe and not improving

You don’t have to do this alone. Sometimes the bravest move is saying:

“We need help. Our relationship matters too much to keep doing this the same way.”

Final Thoughts: Two Humans, One Team

At the heart of all of this are not diagnoses, symptoms, or protocols—
but two humans who chose each other.

You will still argue. You will still misunderstand each other sometimes. OCD will still flare up. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

With practice, you can keep coming back to:

We’re on the same team.
We’re allowed to set boundaries.
We’re allowed to cheer for each other.
We’re allowed to be imperfect and still deeply loved.

And that, truly, is the most healing foundation any relationship can have—OCD or not.

The podcast is made possible by NOCD. NOCD offers effective, convenient therapy available in the US and outside the US. To find out more about NOCD, their therapy plans, and if they currently take your insurance, head over to https://learn.nocd.com/youranxietytoolkit

Transcription: How OCD Affects Relationships (And What Partners Need to Know)

Kimberley: Welcome to your Anxiety Toolkit. I’m your host, Kimberly Quinlan. This podcast is fueled by three main goals. The first goal is to provide you with some extra tools to help you manage your anxiety. Second goal to inspire you. Anxiety doesn’t get to decide how you live your life. And number three, and I leave the best for last, is to provide you with one big, fat virtual hug.

Because experiencing anxiety ain’t easy. If that sounds good to you, let’s go.

Today we are talking about how OCD affects relationships and what partners need to know. Today we have Christina all over on to discuss how to support the partners of people with OCD as they navigate recovery. Thank you so much, Christina, for being here. Oh, thanks for having me, Kim. This is exciting. I feel like so often, often a lot of my podcasts come from conversations with clients and so often partners will come in and they just don’t know what to say.

They don’t know how to act. They’re struggling with their own experience of their partner having OCD. So I really wanted this to be not only just for the person with OCD, but for the partner so that they have some direction. So thank you for being here. Opinions you could say or, or.

Kristina: Things to share.

Kimberley: Well, let’s start there.

Can you tell us a little bit about why you specifically are interested in this topic? In what you’re, whatever you feel comfortable sharing.

Kristina: Yeah, I mean, I’ve been pretty open about, even, even from my, about, like in my show and all my socials that I have OCD, and I’ve really learned about this in later life.

And I’ve recently got married his year in June, and my now husband, well, he also has OCD. So not only like I didn’t know that I was living with ROCD as one of my manifestations, but then also to find out that my partner has OCD. It has just been an interesting dynamic to navigate and the way ROCD shows up is also different.

So, you know, interestingly enough in doing the work and also supporting sometimes family or loved ones. You know, now here I am in a place where I’m in that position as well. Right. And also then my partner at times with me. So I just think it’s been an interesting crossover. So that has a, you know, really been a special place in my heart for that.

Kimberley: Yeah. Yeah. How lucky he is to have you as someone who’s had the experience, but also has clinical experience.

Kristina: Yeah. I mean, I, I’ll be honest, I’m also lucky with him because I, I think in this situation, the relationship dynamic I think is also really important. Like outside of a city, just how is the relationship?

And I, and I think that’s a big piece of the puzzle as well. Like we, I think we both know, right? Relationships are not. Uh, just one dimensional. There’s so many layers and complexities to them, right? Like, is it a good healthy one? Is it, do you have good communication? Um, do you have healthy boundaries? Um, you know, do you prioritize each other?

Do you communicate well? I mean, all of those areas can have a lot of other variables there. That will impact the relationship. But then also on top of it, you layer the OCD component, now you have this extra feature that you have to work through. Um, yeah, so I, I think it’s, it’s just to say it’s, it’s not extremely easy if you have other things going on, but I think if you slow down and start to think through it, you can’t, you know, find ways to navigate.

Kimberley: Yeah, I love that. So I kind of wanna. Riff off of what you’ve just said. ’cause I think it’s really important is I think that having a partner with OCD isn’t just about you managing their OCD, it is actually building a healthy relationship underneath that. Right. It’s ’cause if you have a lot of resent or anger or frustration, that’s going to impact your ability to show up for them when they’re struggling and so forth.

So, before we even get started, because I, you mentioned this, like what are some of the main criteria or ba like. Foundations we could say to having this relationship, especially when there is a mental health condition at play.

Kristina: Well, if we’re gonna get into relationships generally, I mean, I’ll say even like personally, I used to be in somewhere.

I was not really a great. I didn’t make great choices, so sometimes the dynamics were not always healthy and in in learning. Over time I’ve learned to recognize like, okay, wait a minute. I’m kind of the common denominator. I need to start changing what I’m looking for because I keep, I keep being drawn to the same strange experience.

It’s just not, not great. And what that does is you would then already are not having a place that should, I think. Be your safe zone where you know you can come. And here you could just be really truly yourself. Like truly yourself, and I mean vulnerable, open. Almost like the little kid and you can come out and you could just play and, and be uncomfort if you will.

Right. And that’s a very sacred special place. But I think a lot of us who’ve come from difficulties and challenges and, and traumas and so on, you don’t know that place. So you don’t even know how to look for it. So I think that’s a big piece there is just first knowing where are you and what pieces do you need to internally also heal to start to choose a different kind of relationship Where then it really, I think what I’ve learned.

Through my experience personally is that, you know, building something that really has a solid friendship foundation is so critical where you just like, it’s truly somebody you genuinely want to spend time with. You genuinely want to share, you wanna talk. You can sit and be together for hours. You can laugh because end of the day, whatever happens in life, you know that’s your person.

That’s like your right hand person. So there’s a quote I heard from somebody else years. I don’t know, it’s, I can’t say, but. I love the way this woman said it. Basically, she says, this is like hiring for like a CEO position. This is the most important role, right? You better make sure you interview really, really well.

And at first I laughed and I’m like, but she’s got a right. You know? And so as you become aware for yourself of what you need to adjust, then you either can heal within that dynamic, or if it’s not healthy, then you have to find another one. But the foundational thing, I think, really, that it comes down to.

That friendship really at the core of it. Yeah. And if you have that connection, then no matter what you’re dealing and facing with life challenges, mental health losses, I mean, people know, I’ve been open about, my mom passed away. We were dealing with cancer for a while with her. There was just so many things.

And like this was a person who just kept showing up and kept showing up in ways I didn’t even expect her ask. And, you know, that’s what you’ll, that’s I think, a foundational component. Um, because you’re choosing somebody, you’re gonna be facing life with, and life, as we all know. It throws you things left and right.

You can have the best plans and life has something else for you. You know? So I think relationally, yeah, that dynamic is critical because if you are something that’s already unhealthy, that is going to create so much angst and already anxiety and insecurities and feeling like you can’t really trust or settle, so you’re already gonna be so on edge.

And then on top of it, your OCD and whatever, however it manifests. I mean, that’s gonna be a really intense experience.

Kimberley: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I love that you shared all that. So I’d love to circle back to that here in a little bit. But before we do, let’s talk a little bit about, in addition to those foundations, how do partners come often?

Do they report to us? In your experience, how do they feel when they have somebody in their life with OCD? What are some of the challenges and struggles that they’re experiencing?

Kristina: You know, I think it’s on a spectrum, to be honest. Um, because I’ve seen myself, people who either are on the end of, hey, like this is your thing to manage.

I really don’t wanna deal with this all the way to completely, almost like in mesh and in it, and accommodating everything all the time. Feeling guilty if they don’t. But then, and if they do try to set something and then they get resentful. So I really do think it’s a spectrum in terms of. Where a partner is.

And so depending on where they are, um, I think those are the common days that I tend to hear. And I think it gets to a place where either a partner ends up feeling just kind of beat down and they’re like, okay, fine. And they just give in and, and then it just becomes like the new norm, if you will. Or I have folks where I also hear where they’re on the side.

Like, I love this person, I want to do this. But you could hear and see that there’s this like compassion fatigue. Like yeah. We talk about, you know, being kind. We talk about, you know, let’s communicate better. I mean, these concepts are all great. It’s not like people don’t know them. Uh, but how do we do this right?

And how do you do this when you know it’s not personal, but it’s hard to not take it personally when, when things erupt or you know, you’re asking just. Please just, just tell me one more time, just gimme that reassurance one more time. Right. It’s like you’re sitting with, with these dynamics that as a partner, when you’re receiving them and you’re in this all the time, depending, you know how, how kind of intense it is.

It, it’s tough because you really are being burnt out and you are tired and you are. Trying to be there for them and you’re trying to have a conversation and sometimes it doesn’t, it doesn’t quite land or something else is happening. So I think those are very real issues that people are facing and I don’t think it’s as easy as just, okay, let’s just not accommodate.

I think it’s, yeah, I just think there’s a lot of. Communication, honestly, that has to go into this, um, and understanding. Mm. And, and helping each other understand each other’s perspectives. Right. So that you don’t have people not getting overly defensive and suddenly just kind of in their corner. Yeah.

Because we, we want people. Supportive partner. Well, please understand the one with OC, but guess what? The one with OC, you have to also understand your partner. Like this has to be a reciprocal both end. This is not where, well, my thing is worse. It’s like, guys, that’s not even the conversation that we need to be having.

The conversation is if you love each other and you care for each other, we wanna be together and the relationship to keep growing. How can we work with this situation that’s here before us? Because. You’ll be facing a lot of other things in life together. So let’s figure out how do we deal with when hard times come, right?

Because hard times come, constant comes. How do we work through those?

Kimberley: So let’s sort of go there like sitting down. We’re face-to-face. We’ve acknowledged that there’s a problem that OCD is. Somehow tried to seep into the relationship, what would you have a couple do? Or let’s say it’s even a mom and a child or, but in this case more often an intimate relationship.

Like how would you walk them through or walk them back into having that healthier relationship? Yeah,

Kristina: I mean, it’s. Great question. I mean, I, I think part of it starts with both folks. I would want to hear from both of them, kind of, what do you want out of those moments? Like we, we all know these moments happen where it gets a little bit intense.

What do each of you want? Because I think every person has to be able to express, just again, unencumbered, unfiltered, here’s where I’m at, here’s what I’m wanting. The other thing that’s important, which this sounds simple, but we’re not great at this. Even me in my personal life sometimes, which is have the patience to actually be quiet and really hear, like actually hear, you think you’re listening, but you’re not hearing, really hear what they’re saying.

Take a minute and take it in to really grasp what they’re saying because if we slow that down and just do those two things, it really makes a difference. And then saying, okay, so. I think what you’re saying then is X and then the other person can say, yes. Okay, great. What do you think I’m saying? So until we, we get that, you really can’t go anywhere.

So these are like communication basics 1 0 1. So you’ve got to do that because I think sometimes I’ve seen either partners start to get defensive too fast or the person with OCD takes something really, person gets defensive, okay, you guys stopped hearing each other. We’re not, we gotta slow down. So I think once we can do that, then you now.

Can actually think of it like a team meeting, right? Like now we can say, okay, let’s set some parameters. Let’s talk about some of the ground rules. What do you want to see? How do you wanna do this? So it could be something as like, okay, when I see you, I can clearly see that you’re having an a cd moment, but when I say something, you get mad at me and give me attitude or bark at me or blow up, or whatever it is.

Like, what do you want me to do? Because I’m frustrated because I’m seeing it again. We covered it and here it is. Right? So you would want to be able to say that and be able to comfortably express like, yeah, I’m frustrated in that moment. And again, have the other person be able to really hear that slow down and say, okay, well how about this?

How about then maybe in that moment. Don’t, maybe just say something like, oh, it’s your OCD or whatnot, because that’s not helpful. Or maybe the person might say that is helpful, but maybe say it differently. Right? So that’s where you now get to negotiate. Now you get to have some real movement. You can start to take some action and you can decide, and I, I’m a fan of as humans, I don’t think we do great when we’re really stressed out.

We don’t do well holding a lot of stuff. We do much better. If you can have one, maybe two, three at the most, but one to two things you can actually do. So I always tell folks, pick one to two that you know you can remember. And that’s it. And then just let’s go try it out. So next time it happens, try it.

Just see, we’re not gonna commit to, it’s not righteous. Let’s see. And then come back and let’s see what happened. Because sometimes that works and we’re great. Sometimes we need a little more. Okay, well now we can figure that out. But through that process and slowing that down, that people can have this more, I think, more useful conversations.

Where you can actually come up with something. I’m even thinking of an example in my own relationship. There was a moment exactly like this, where like I am, I mean my husband knows he, in the very beginning, he said, gosh, I was so scared to tell you I have OCD when I saw that you were an OC D specialist and yo podcast is an OCD whisper.

And he’s like, oh my God. I’m like, oh yeah baby, I’m gonna like, you can, you can’t, you can’t get stuff fast. Me. So he was doing something with this front door, this whole locking checking, checking. And I was frustrated ’cause I’m a cocky about this. So here I am in exactly the same situation, even though you would think I should know better, but we’re all human, right?

And so at the end, we had to sit down, not at that moment, but maybe 30 minutes later. That’s the other thing I will say is timing, learning how to time things. So, and this is a hard one because in that moment if both of you’re now kind of in that space of frustration, irritation, like, oh something, it starts to feel like you wanna get your point now and you wanna be the one heard, you wanna be the one understood.

No, but me, and that’s the whole point here is realizing and recognizing and, and kind of learning to notice that feeling. I know the ego’s gonna be loud and I’m, I wanna be in the right because that’s. Human nature, we wanna be right. We wanna know that I, but if you can just learn to recognize that’s what that is, it’s a reaction.

And have that rule like it’s we, that’s it. We just stop at least for half an hour, at least. I don’t care what you do. Go to separate rooms. Just do not engage. Give time because you need the brain and the body to calm down. And so we did. And then we sit down and said, Hey, and this is where you know you bring now love back in.

Remember like you chose this person for a reason, you love them, right? Like you’re on the same team, you’re not against each other, right? You gotta remember that. So you say, Hey, like, I’m, I’m with you. I love you. I’m not like, literally I said those words like, I’m on your team. I’m not, I’m not against you, but I just wanna know what can be more helpful.

I’m not, definitely don’t wanna like ride you or make, make you feel like I’m picking something or calling something out in the moment, but. You know, from my end, like it’s just a little tough, like, so what do I do? And what I got back is, well, you know, yeah. When you say that, actually it really does. Like, I don’t like it, it just, it makes me feel like I’m being kind of nitpicked.

Like I know you know your stuff, whatever, but just it doesn’t feel great. He goes, if you can’t, can you just like, he’s like, and I know it’s not great, but just let me finish my thing, which is compulsion unless, so let’s say what it is. Okay, let’s finish your compulsion. And then what? Well, and then afterwards.

He is like, you know, I’m open to like talking about it because I am internally making these changes and maybe you don’t see it fully yet, but I, I already was doing something different there. I’m like, oh, great, tell me. So now we’re having a different conversation and because of that I now got some more insight of kind of what you’re doing.

And now I understand. So now I back up and now you have to do the other thing that’s really hard for humans patients.

Kimberley: Okay. So if you are looking for effective OCD or BFRB treatment that’s covered by insurance. I’m thrilled to announce to you this week’s sponsor no cd. No CD provides live face-to-face video sessions with licensed therapists who specialize in OCD and related conditions.

Through exposure and response prevention therapy, a highly effective treatment designed specifically for OCD, their therapist can tailor a plan just for you. OCDs treatment approach is clinically proven to significantly reduce symptoms with an app that helps you stay connected to therapists and peer communities in between sessions, so you’ll always feel supported.

No CD is available in all 50 states and even internationally, and accepts most insurance plans, making care affordable and accessible. If you think you might have OCD or a struggling to manage symptoms, there is hope. Book a free call@nocd.com. You don’t have to struggle alone. Big hugs. And now let’s get back to the show.

Kristina: We can teach it till the cows come home. But when you’re in the moment and in that moment when whatever happens, happens, you can have all your knowledge and education, but this is one of those muscles you build through experience. ’cause patience is not easy. So now you have to be patient and take a breath yourself, pull back, let it be, go do something else.

Let the person and then you watch, and then what I think is the last piece I’d say that’s important is that when you’re navigating in this way, it’s important both people, not just one, but both. That you are seeing changes, you’re seeing the effort, and you’re seeing that there is in fact some changes that are happening and we’re moving in a direction so that now both of you can see that there’s evolution, there’s growth, and now you can have again.

Another conversation. And so through that, you both then start to learn how each other, how both of you work, right? You learn how you deal with if there’s that stressful moment, what you need to say, how you need to say it. So like the example I just gave, you know, it was, it was a direct conversation, but you could hear it even in my voice.

It was with love, it was with kindness. It was even saying the words like, Hey, like I am in your corner. You know? I love. So it’s like, you know, hard conversations are hard to have, right? But if we, again, we have to slow down so that we can bring that love back in the room. People can say the word compassion.

I think sometimes people get, yeah, I don’t know how people understand that word, but I think if I say love, maybe people will understand that a little bit better, that bring, bring kindness and love back in because you know, those, those things are free for you to do and you, again, you’re with this person for a reason.

So, you know, let’s honor that love. Let’s honor that kindness.

Kimberley: Yeah,

Kristina: but reciprocal, there’s so many points

Kimberley: that you’ve made that I was actually writing them down. For those who are listening, like I thought, okay, I’ll just put in the show notes. Like I think it’s gonna be, those are so helpful, those tips.

And I think when we’re overwhelmed, I even know in our, my marriage, if I’m overwhelmed, I almost had like a chip on my shoulder, like, no, I’m overwhelmed. I’m a, it’s my like. Right to mm-hmm. Point out to you how you are creating frustration in me, right? Like it’s my, you know, my right as a woman or is my right as whatever, and it’s so not helpful.

Right? So I love that you pointed all of these step, and Mike took us through all these steps and I think the thing that I kept hearing, but you can give me feedback of when there’s a mental health struggle, even if it’s not OCD, it might be depression, or it might be health anxiety, or it might be panic disorder or whatever it might be.

Is, I think it’s really easy for the partners to feel like we’re against each other now. Like it’s me and my OCD versus my partner or it it’s them and their OCD versus me or and so forth. And I think that when we view it that way, it’s so much easier to become defensive, whereas we have to sort of keep you kept sort of reinforcing.

I’m with you. I’ve got you. Like it’s you and me. We’re the main core team, not, it’s not you versus me, so I don’t know what your thoughts are about that.

Kristina: Oh, a hundred percent. I mean, again, what you’re saying and what we’re talking about, these are skills that you’ll learn over time, to be honest, like this is not stuff I was great at.

What I’m sharing now is what I’ve grown into. I was, or of all this stuff. Especially younger and in other relationships that were not great. But what I’ve come to learn is like when you get angry, because you’re legitimately, you know, let’s say having an argument, not mental health, just put all that aside.

If you’re just a, something could happen erupted, whatever, and you’re mad at each other, right? What’s the first thing that happens? The first thing is you. It’s you. Right? I wanna be right, because my point, ’cause you’re not understanding me. So all that ego stuff comes online. It’s strong. It’s strong. And believe me, I have moments when we have arguments, that’s the first place I default to because that’s human nature.

I think we do a disservice if we don’t honor the human nature. Piece of us, which is, hey, this is just a natural knee gut reaction, but that we don’t stop there. I think that’s the thing is, is recognizing that will be step one of what happens and knowing yourself, you know? Okay, I’m gonna need a minute ’cause I’m pissed.

And I think it’s all your fault and hmm. And you’re gonna be huffing and puffing right under your breath. All the different rationalizations and justifications. Why? It’s all me and you owe it to me and you did this da da la, but this is what I mean, time. And you gotta calm down and then you’re able to access the bigger.

Picture and remember, wait a minute. And so I think in learning, even with arguments, how to argue better, it doesn’t mean you’re gonna not have disagreements or argue, but how can you argue better? How can you remember like, okay, we’re just upset right now. I’m mad at you. And that’s all it is. And I don’t have to take it some other place.

Right. And that allows you to open up a little bit and then with time you can come back and now you’re more calm and then you can bring, bring this back in. So I, I, I think absolutely, whether it’s OCD, whether it’s just because you just happen to be in an argument, all of it has to, you have to come back to, wait a minute, but I’m with this person.

For a reason. Like if, and I, I do wanna highlight that, a healthy, loving relationship and you’ve been together for some time, like you’ve already learned, you know about each other. You gotta bring that back in the room because it’s too easy to forget in the moment because you’re just so focused on the thing that’s bothering you right then that you’re forgetting the totality.

Of the entire picture, the whole context. And you gotta ask yourself like, does this person really truly have ill intent towards me? Like, does this person really intentionally on purpose want to get out there and hurt me? Right. And I think those are some of the questions I’ve also learned along the way that I found really useful and that I hold.

For myself when things happen and I also coach and teach other folks, grab one or two of those questions that resonate for you so that you could just remind yourself, because we have to remind yourself we’re gonna come out of that place so that then you can get back into That’s right. It’s a we and a us and ultimately I am here for you.

I am on your side just like you are on mine. I don’t. And I even say things like, I teach people to say in a phrase like, I don’t believe you are out to get me. Like, I believe you’re really here because you love and care for me. You, you’re not trying to hurt me. But in this moment, the way you said. Really kind of landed a certain way that was funky and maybe, I don’t know, may I, like, I, I’m gonna assume you don’t mean it, but this is what happens.

So I think also learning to say words like that, right? But we’re gonna assume the better of our partner. Right? And that goes both ways. Again, my friends, this is reciprocal because I often also hear sometimes people with OCD being think like. Wanting to claim a little more like, no, it’s more me. ’cause I have OCD.

It’s like, yes honey, I get it. But listen, the other person also has to manage and deal with all the other things that are happening because of that. So it’s still both people. You have to still be able to take both of you into account and Yeah, and, and not kind of blow each other off. Or think one has. Or less rights.

I mean, depending on the argument of Sure, at one point some person might be a little bit more on the right than the other. Sure, yes, we agree with that, but, but again, if you’re here to gather as a couple hood, you gotta remember the couple hood is like its own entity that you wanna honor and keep respecting.

Kimberley: Yeah. Again, you bring so many points. I could, I wanna like every point I could make a whole episode on. I think that not keeping tallies is a really important piece here too, because I just know my brain, right? My brain. Often is like, and you did this and then you did this, and then you did this. Then you’ve got all of these things in your list of things that they did, and if let’s say it’s OCD related, like they’re not getting better fast enough and they did this compulsion and they’re not supposed to be doing this compulsion, and our therapist and her therapist or his therapist told them not to be doing that.

Compulsion that, and then as the partner, we can get into this whole like list thing of like how they’re not leveling up, which I get. Might even be true, but I know for me and in my, our marriage, I’ve had to catch myself and being like, Kimberly, your list making is only building a case for against your partner, and that’s not what we want.

You’re not going in the direction that you want. So I just think that that what you’re talking about is, while it might be true that they might be doing these things. That are hurting you or are impacting your life. Maybe it’s making you late for an event or something. Be careful of sort of that list making tallying.

Kristina: Well, I learned this from somebody else. I think it was actually Tony Robbins. Funny enough, I took one of his sumers, but he calls it negative stacking, which is absolutely true because when you stretch in negatively stack, the more you do that, the more you are creating a feeling and right humans with thoughts and feelings that all connects.

So if you’re now creating this certain. Feeling like you said, you’re building this stage, but you’re really building this feeling and then it’s gonna get really hard to see past that feeling. ’cause the feeling starts to grow. And what happens though with that is again, you’re losing context of all the other times that the person has done well.

And now if we go a little further, why is this so critical? I know you’ve had this in your episodes before, but from the evolutionary standpoint, as humans, we are already organically very prone to paying too much attention to the negatives, right? We all know this per one negative, I think what like 10, 15, 20, I forgot already the number, but.

Positives, right? So if you think it from that standpoint as well, it’s like, look, we’re already kind of wired to pay attention to things that are off and wrong. And then you start to stack on top of it, well, you’re, you’re now creating a much bigger issue and it’s gonna, it’s gonna turn into something far worse.

And half the time what happens, problem with that is you can miss. What something is actually about, you can miss the main point, right? Because you’re too in your head now. And I think, again, it all comes back to that ego of wanting to be right. And I think if we can recognize that, and this almost gets into now like meditative spiritual conversations, but part of it is learning how to see that for yourself.

And you gotta drop the ego. You gotta surrender. Let it let that puppy go and be like, look, I’m willing to be wrong if I need to be wrong. Like if I am wrong, it’s fine. And or if I’m really like. Whatever I’m doing, but you have to get a place where you can drop this, this shield, this defensive mode of needing to be right or needing to prove something.

Like there’s nothing to prove. There’s just two souls trying to connect ultimately.

Kimberley: Yeah.

Kristina: Right. That’s really what it comes down to.

Kimberley: Yeah. I once had a client whose partner had really severe OCDI was coaching them on managing. For their own mental health. And what was really interesting is they were, you know, I think that we as partners, we think that if we bring the negative to our partner’s attention, that will encourage change.

Like if I just keep reminding them of how they’re not doing what they were told to do, or they’re not keeping up with their homework or they’re not following, if I just keep reminding them of how they’re not doing it, that will propel them into change. And I remember speaking with them and going, okay, this obviously isn’t working.

In fact, now it’s not only not making their OCD better, but it’s now impacting your relationship. Like what would happen if you became a champion of them? And this person, this client, this was many, many years ago, they were like, but they don’t deserve that yet. Oh, I think we all do this in some degree that we feel like people have to

Kristina: deserve.

Well, it’s like it’s to earn it, right? Like you, you like, it’s, it’s like going to school. It’s like, no, you can’t get this thing until you do X, Y, Z, Z. You can’t get your dessert till you finish all the food at the dinner table. Yeah. I mean, this is the, I mean, I come from Ukraine, so like some of these concepts I guess ’cause Yeah, ly for us too.

It’s like, no, everything is like, no, you gotta keep working hard and like earn your stripes and then okay, now you, now you get this thing. And I think, yeah, if you’re doing this, in some cultures it’s seen as weak or there’s a whole perception on it, right? You’re also hitting on cultural dynamics that are really critical to eight tension in relationships.

Kimberley: And so this was a huge dynamic shift of like, I want you to, as your homework to go home and cheer them on and say, you’ve got this babe and I believe in you. Instead of like, you know, pulling away, almost like disciplining them, pulling away from them instead going, and that. Was actually what helped. But I think in our relationships, when we are at odds and we are defensive, we don’t cheer on our partner, we forget to do that.

And I think that that’s a really important piece of the work here. Now, what would you say for a partner of somebody you know who has OCD or any other condition, like instead of just cheering them on and that’s one way, how might you. Set some limits with when their compulsions are interfering with their life.

You know, again, they’re, let’s say they’re stuck washing their hands or checking the door. It’s making the whole family late over and over again, and it is, um, impacting them. How would you encourage them to have those conversation?

Kristina: I think this goes back to what I said earlier, which is you have to have these discussions when you’re calm and you’re able to really hear each other, and this is part of that, part of that, if depending on the situation, how, what’s going on, how severe things are, because you have to create some parameters and ground rules.

Because it’s just not realistic to always accommodate and wait. Right. Just like we understand for you, it’s, you know, you’re working through it and you know, you’re, you’re sometimes get stuck and it’s tough. So like, you know, everybody can acknowledge these dynamics and I, I think the pieces that you, you know, you can choose things happening at the same time, and they’re both important and they both require the attention.

So what do you do with that, right? When you have two opposing things, but at the same time, and they’re equally valuable. The only way, at least I’ve seen time and time again is you have to then. Create again, some sort of parameters that addresses both, which is okay, we will wait for X time, but if I really see you’re stuck and you don’t want me to say anything because that annoys you, or whatever it is, then we agree.

Then I’m gonna head out and, and go do what I need to do and then we can talk about it afterwards, you know? And then maybe after you sit down and say, okay, so that was kind of tough. What happened? Can you walk me through it? Or you know, is there something else you need? The the thing I would caution, there’s always a fine line between role.

Dynamics, right? Because you are with that partner. It’s not like you’re with your therapist all the time, right? You, it’s not like you have somebody coaching in your ear, so you, we want a partner to help. But I also would say. Not to fall into the role where you’re becoming the therapist or the coach, because that also is gonna impact your relationship and your intimacy and your connection.

’cause now it’s like, ugh. Right? You’re gonna feel that feeling of, okay man, now I gotta be a caregiver, you know, in, in this interesting way. Which again, it’s a tough, it’s a tough one, but I think, I think we’ve gotta navigate those things of, you know. Like you said, I, I am your cheerleader and I’m here. I’m, I’m on your team, but we also have to be reasonable.

So I think that’s really what it comes down to. It’s not, it’s not a hard yes or no. I, I don’t think anything is all or nothing. I think it’s, it’s, we have to keep finding that blending and those middle grounds and di and being balance is. Balance is dynamic. Balance is not static. So that means, you know, in this moment, balance might look like this, but in this next moment it might look like that.

So I think it calls on having that flexibility, uh, so that you can have at these general kind of. Guidelines and generally know the direction you wanna go, but then moment by moment you’ll see it because some moments will be great, some will not be so great. And that just requires patience and time. And if somebody’s really to the point where it’s, it’s that severe and things are just really not progressing and it.

It’s impacting everybody, including the, the relationship, the connection. I think at that point you gotta have a conversation about, look like I miss you, I love you, the family does, or what, or whatever is around. Like, we, we want to, but we can’t seem to access you. Maybe we need to talk about more intensive treatments so that, you know, let, let’s get you the support and additional help you need so you can get a little better handle on this because, you know, well, we all wanna be with you.

Right. We want that connection. What you said earlier too, I think that is really important to be a cheerleader. I, I think you’re right that we, all of us as humans, again, this is, we gotta give ourselves some grace for being human. But yeah, I think a lot of us are raised with pointing out the things that aren’t going well and we don’t do as good a job of pointing out when things are going great or just for the heck of it.

Give a compliment just because you can. You totally have that availability, like that is something you could do all the time, anytime for free. Completely. Right. So I think just starting to build that practice, I’ve certainly not been good at it and I’ve been consciously, intentionally working on it to cultivate it, to make sure, intentionally to pause and randomly for no reason, just shoot a text.

Or if I see something, hey, this, hey that, and then keep kind of like a bucket that I keep filling. Right. I think it’s an important kind of stance, if you will, to start to take and build that muscle out. And we’re not talking about being fake and Right. Just like, okay, I’ll just be on this side. Woo. Good job.

Like, no, we’re not saying that, but like a real genuine, like, yeah, I see you. Like I see you, I love you. Like, oh my gosh, like you’re making an effort. Awesome. Or man, that look like that was stuff and I was about to, but I didn’t. So, hey, I also did something great. Like I, I didn’t step in there and kind of.

Jump in with my typical Oh, that’s your OCD thing. Right? So I think we can bring a little levity in folks. Right. Can also kind of share moments that they’re proud of that. Wow. I would’ve jumped in there and been all over you, but I didn’t, I really kind of held back or, wow, I saw that, you know, you typically would’ve been staring at the door for 20 minutes, but it looks like you only did it for 10.

Awesome. Learning how to. Successes, big or small and and point those out as well.

Kimberley: Yeah. I wanna go back to something you said before, ’cause I think it’s really important. So you also said you don’t wanna be that caretaker, that that’s not healthy either. Right. Um, and what would advice would you give to someone who has found themselves in a overly caretaking role?

You feel resentful, you feel angry. Maybe it’s like you said, it’s impacting intimacy. It’s sort of sort of this sort of more like a child parent role. What advice would you give to those folks who are finding themselves in that position?

Kristina: Well, I think the first thing I would wanna know. Is, let’s go back earlier to think about how did you get into this position, right?

Because this happened. Probably not because like there was not maybe awareness initially and thinking maybe you’re helping, right? And so I think being able to both, again, people have to pause and think about how do we end up here and now get to a place of, okay, like I said in the very beginning, we’re back to that, which is be able to really.

When somebody speaks, really hear them, really hear what they’re saying, and go back to now getting a better understanding of how you got here. What about this isn’t working because you’re signaling to each other like, okay, but I really still want this. And the other person’s like, well, I’m just getting burnt on, like I’m getting.

Resentful, right? I, I, I just, I’m hitting a place where, you know, if we’re not really hearing each other, you’re also in a position now where the relationship can start to really crumble and even fall apart. And I’ve, I’ve certainly seen that because of OCD things completely end. So I’d say this is where we wanna get back into healthier boundaries.

Get a better grasp of saying like, I hear you, I get it. You feel like you need this and this is helpful, and I, I wanna be helpful. I mean, remember, everything’s being driven, I think, because we ultimately wanna help the other person. You wanna feel useful, but it doesn’t feel great when you’re trying to be useful, and yet it’s not.

It’s changing, it’s getting worse, or they need a lot more of it, and now so much of it that now you’re feeling exhausted and drained and resentful. So, you know, we all know with O City, you, you give it a little pink, it’ll take an arm. So I think this is where we have to get better at learning how to be a little uncomfortable, which means saying, hey.

I’m gonna have to start to say no, and that’s gonna be a full sentence, and that means couple of things are gonna happen. Maybe I, as the person saying no, might feel immense guilt about it. So now we have to make sure to, you know, help you figure this piece out and how to think of it differently. But now, so you, the one with OCD need to be able to respect that and take it because you can’t keep kind of crossing that boundary either, right?

So again, it’s a both and it’s never just one way. So the person with O City equally is. Think has to, you know, take ownership of their own pieces and, and that means we’re gonna be a little uncomfortable here and we’re gonna be okay with that. Discomfort is okay, you know, like, it’s okay to not always be in roses and daisies and smiley faces, right?

Like, it’s okay to not always feel good. So that means having those hard conversations. And again, I don’t think we do well with that as humans. I think sometimes that requires a person in the middle who can help you facilitate it. You know, if you get a little better with it, great. But it means having a hard conversation, doing it from a place of love and being able to, again, with kindness to say no.

Or if another way is, you know, you come up, you say, okay, we’re gonna agree that if you’re gonna ask me moving forward, I’ll answer why, you know, once, maybe twice. Because sometimes I, you know, it’s not as clear. It’s just one time. It’s like sometimes the person is like, just please one more time. Okay, fine, I’ll, I’ll give it to you.

No problem. But this will be the last time. Right? So even something like that I think is fair. And again, remember, we have to be reasonable from both sides, right? So that we can then get to another place and then you have to kind of give a little time to heal from that so that you can find and reconnect and, and kind of what other ways, how else can we connect and kind of reengage and.

Fun and joy with each other because OCD also can take over so much so that the whole relationship becomes so OCD centric, that you’re like, do we even know how to do something else than this? Do we know how, what to do? Then accommodate like, how about, I don’t know, let’s play Uno. I don’t, I don’t even care at this point.

Just anything. Let’s bring something else in, so we should do something else other than that, right? So that we bring those, those moments of joy, connection, play. I remember my husband and I

Kimberley: went, we started, um, couples therapy and that was one of the first questions they asked. I’m a huge proponent of couples therapy.

I feel like everyone should go. It just makes things so good. But one of the first questions they asked was like, what do you do with each other? And when we have kids and we have between us two or three businesses, and it’s just so easy to be like, we eat dinner with the kids. Like we, I don’t know, we fold the laundry, but she was like.

He was like, you need to have something you do that is just for you. And I think that when OCD is in the game, that’s the first thing you lose, right? That’s exactly what you do. So I think it’s so important, again, to protect the marriage or the relationship or whatever it might be, even if this was a child in a parent environment, you know, is make sure there are things that you’re doing that are simply just because.

Um, I think is really important and I love that you bring that up. Now, is there anything that else, I mean we could go on and on here ’cause I think this is so valuable, you know, on how to have a relationship in general. Right. This is so valuable and I agree, like listening so hard, but you’ve gotta do it.

That was a big one for me too, is to be able to listen and then say what I heard you say was. That was really helpful for me because often I would misunderstand, my brain would create a story about what they were saying. So I would go, what I, what I heard you say was, is that true? And my husband would be like, no, that’s not, that’s not what I doubt.

Let’s do this again and without defensiveness was so helpful. Is there anything that you feel like couples, particularly couples who are struggling with one or both with ocd, is there something that they can take with them as an important tool as they sort of navigate this process and bringing them back to love?

Kristina: Honestly, the thing that really comes to mind is just slowing down because things really go very. Fast and when OC d’s up, and if both of you have OCD and depends if like, is your OCD different, is it same? Is it coming up at the same time? Is, or is it one person but not the other? Because all those dynamics give you a whole different way you’re gonna respond.

So I think though, if you slow down, and this was definitely hard for me, but learning to slow down and, and first really check in with yourself and get right with yourself. Get really clear like what’s actually happening? What am I, what do I really want? Out of this, you know, and again, to get there, you have to think clearly.

To think clearly. You need a little time if, if emotions are involved, I, I think it’s okay to, I’m a fan of sometimes even a 24 hour rule where, hey, we’re gonna just sleep on it sometimes, even though I don’t wanna go to bed, like, I don’t like gonna bed angry or, or something. So some, like, you might even have an agreement, okay?

We’re not, let’s say in, in a great moment, but well at least like just put a hand on each other just to at least physically signal like, Hey, there’s still love, right? Like, I’m not ready to talk to you and, or. I don’t know if there’s some other issue, but some way that could be small where at least you’re still, because oftentimes too, I, I think again, slowing down on time and sometimes that what happens is 24 hours, you sleep on it, very literally wake up and your brain is a little refreshed.

Suddenly you’re able to look at things a little differently. You might see something. And then you come back and, and if you come back and it’s still heated, or let’s say if it’s in that such, then you might need a lot more time. So there’s a lot. I think it’s very undervalued, the discussion about timing and learning how to get better with your timing.

I’m definitely not great at it, but I’ve been working at it. I’ve gotten better. But by no means am I there, but I definitely see the difference even for myself when I’m able to really do that and do that well. It’s a world of different, how much better is the times where you just ugh, need your react and then your ego gets in and that’s it.

Ah, so, um, cultivating that. And the thing too is that this is all lifelong lessons. These are not like, I’m gonna practice for six weeks and now I magically have this incredible tools. Like, okay, like I’m telling you, I’ve learned all these tools, I’ve been doing these tools, and it doesn’t change my human nature.

I’m still human. I’m still gonna have those aspects in those. Fault, if you will. So it’s just, I think also embracing that this is gonna be just a journey and, and that’s it. And so you can relax and all you wanna look at is that you just keep getting better with it. That’s it. Like a muscle. Just make it better and better and better.

I love that. No,

Kimberley: I, I agree with you on, on being, you know, taking some time because in that moment I know for me, I’m like, no, it has to be to. I have a really good point to make that I really Yes. Make right now. And that was a really, really hard skill for me to learn. Right. To, to was, and I think what was really helpful too is, you know, when we took a pause to also be like, I, I’m not leaving, like I’m gonna Right.

You’re gonna leave the room, but I will be back. And letting them know that, like you said, you’re still giving them that token of like. I’ve still got you. We’re, we’re still together, but I’m gonna need some time was so, so helpful for me. It’s so, mm-hmm. Well,

Kristina: the thing is, if you do it over time, what happens is you’re organically building trust in each other.

That’s the thing. The other kind of side effect, if you will, that people don’t talk about is that with, with this process, you’ll get to trust and relax in knowing that, okay, we could have these moments, we can have these disagreements, and it’s okay. We’ll come out of it.

Kimberley: And I, I love that you mentioned the word trust, because if one partner has anxiety, an anxiety disorder, there’s already anxiety with their disorder.

But when there’s not trust, that’s an another form of anxiety that shows up in the relationship. Right. But when there is trust, that allows there to be this, like we’re on the same team, you know, and it helps with the anxiety piece of it, because we’re not constantly like, is this gonna blow up? Is this gonna be a big rupture?

What’s. Gonna happen. And I, that’s a huge piece of what builds the ability for us to navigate these conversations is having that trust. So I, I’m so glad you brought that up. Oh my gosh. I could keep going, but I know that we’re about to go and record for your podcast, so I’m not going. Christina has an amazing podcast.

Do you wanna tell us, we’re going to record on yours, but tell us about all of you and where people can listen to your podcast and hear more about your service.

Kristina: Yeah. Thank you so much for having me and I, I similarly, I, I love this conversation and I can definitely also keep going, but. Yeah, I have the OCD Whisper podcast, and so that’s on all platforms.

Then we have a YouTube channel, and then for my clinical practice, it’s at our results.com. That’s KOR results.com.

Kimberley: Amazing. Thank you. This has been so good. I feel like it’s like a masterclass for relationship. Oh, so good. Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you. Please note that this podcast or any other resources from cbt school.com should not replace professional mental health care.

If you feel you would benefit, please reach out to a provider in your area. Have a wonderful day, and thank you for supporting cbt school com.

Share this article with your favorite people

How OCD Affects Relationships (And What Partners Need to Know) – with Kristina Orlova | Ep. 461