Everything I know about Anxiety Recovery (in one episode) | Ep. 400

In this milestone 400th episode, Kimberley Quinlan distills over a decade of experience treating anxiety into the essential steps you need to take for lasting anxiety recovery.

What You’ll Learn:

• Why self-discipline is the key to breaking free from anxiety’s control.
• How practicing self-kindness can make recovery smoother and reduce relapses.
• The importance of truly understanding your anxiety condition to tailor effective strategies.
• Why most anxious thoughts are BS and how to stop letting them derail your day.
• How seeking out joy and beauty, even during tough moments, can transform your recovery journey

Welcome back to Your Anxiety Toolkit. My name is Kimberley Quinlan, and today we are talking about everything I know about anxiety recovery in one episode. 

Now, why do I want to talk about this? This is Episode 400. You guys, 400! 🏆🤩 

I am an anxiety specialist. I have been treating very severe anxiety disorders for 13 years. I have seen hundreds of patients come through my office or be seen by my employees who work at our center. Today,, I want to really lay it out, gather all of the information that we have on this podcast, and put it into one episode. Let’s do it.

Of course, I’m not going to be able to add every single thing. This episode would be 375 days long. What I want to do is boil it down to the main points, the things I need you to remember. You can come back and listen to this and save it as many times as you like so that you can recalibrate and get yourself back on track. 

Self-discipline is the most essential character trait

Number one, self-discipline is the most essential character trait and skill you are going to need for anxiety recovery. It is about self-discipline. I know we don’t talk about this enough. I’m going to talk about it more in future episodes because as I reflect on what’s helped me the most, as I reflect on what I’ve seen my clients and my patients do, the ones who really get to that piece of recovery where they’re able to say, “Anxiety doesn’t make my choices anymore,” it’s the people who practice self-discipline. They’re the ones who say what they’re going to do and they do it. They’re the ones that do it even though it’s hard. They’re the ones who make a plan, agree to a plan, get support with a plan, and then they go in and they put the plan into action. I know this is easier said than done, but I want you to be thinking about how we can develop the skill of discipline. I promise, I will have episodes on that coming up soon. 

Self-kindness makes it so much easier

The second thing I need you to have for anxiety recovery is self-kindness. We talk about that a lot here, but the reason I stress it is because those who I’ve seen and in my own experience, when you practice self-kindness, recovery and the process of recovery and the ups and downs of recovery are so much easier. There’s less suffering when you can treat yourself with kindness. 

Self-kindness and self-compassion are not something you have to do. You could get through recovery without it, but it is so much easier. I do find that my patients who have more self-compassion tend to relapse a little less. We actually have some research to back that as well. That’s why I really, really highly prioritize self-kindness, self-respect, and self-compassion in your anxiety recovery as a long-term maintenance practice. 

MUST understand your condition

Number three is you must understand your condition. In order to really recover, you must understand it. In every single different disorder, we have a welcome manual that teaches the client specifically about their condition so that they can be so clued in to what is actually going wrong, why does it feel so real, what can I do differently, where am I going wrong, what are the strategies and the skills that I need? You must understand your condition because the truth is the treatment for, let’s say, OCD is a little different from the treatment of social anxiety. The treatment of social anxiety is different from the treatment of panic disorder. The panic disorder treatment is different from depression treatment. They’re all going to be using different formats of CBT, but when you understand the disorder, it helps you inform exactly the skills you’re going to use, why you’re going to use them, and why you feel so distressed and stuck. That’s the most important thing. It helps normalize why you feel the way that you feel and helps you break apart the cycle and what’s going on. 

For me personally, I love being able to see my struggles visually. That really helps me. If I can see, “Oh, this happens and then that happens and then this happens; Oh, that’s why I do what I do,” that is so immensely helpful for me. So you must understand your condition. 

One of the reasons we’ve created all of the different courses on CBTSchool.com is so that you can go and get a specific understanding of that condition, a specific understanding of hair pulling or skin picking or depression or anxiety or panic or OCD. We are bringing up new courses all the time, but you must understand your condition, whether you are reading about it, whether you are learning from a skilled mental health professional, or whether you’re taking a course. However you are learning about it, it’s so important that you get really helpful, effective, and factual information. Please do not do Google searches. That usually will take you down a rabbit hole. 

Do not believe every BS thought you have- Most are BS

The next thing I want you to do, and this is going to be probably one of the bigger ones besides number one, is do not believe every BS thought you have. BS is code for a swear word, right? Most of anxiety is BS. Not all. We might have anxiety about a test or a health condition that you have. I’m not saying all anxiety is BS, but most of it is. 

One of the ways that we can really help troubleshoot that is, is that fear actually really happening right now? Is it happening right now? If it’s not happening right now, if it’s probably likely that your brain is sending out all of these panicked, anxious, catastrophic messages telling you that this is an emergency and this is urgent and we have to do it and fix it now. We have to solve it now. We have to ruminate about it. It’s telling you all that, and it’s all BS. So do not believe every stupid BS thought you have, because a lot of the time it’s just faulty. It’s a faulty thought. 

Here is an example. If you have some kind of technological product in your house—a fridge, a dishwasher, a computer, a vacuum cleaner—when it’s faulty, you stop and say, “Something’s wrong. I’m not going to just keep using this vacuum cleaner while it’s faulting.” We pause, and we correct. We look at it, and we address the situation. But we don’t do that with our thoughts. What we do is we go, “Oh, there’s a problem. It’s telling me there’s this problem, so I’m going to course-correct and go down a rabbit hole with it.” We don’t want to do that. We want to identify that the alarm has gone off. It’s probably an error. How can we change our reaction to it instead of responding as if it’s so important and it’s so imminent and it’s such an emergency?

Prioritize being able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings

Then we move on to the fifth thing I want you to remember, which is you have to prioritize being able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. This is probably the most important. Just this week I did a Magic Monday on Instagram, which is where I asked people like, “How can I help? Let me answer any questions you have.” Almost back to back, the questions were: How can I not feel this feeling? How can I not feel guilty? How can I not feel uncertainty? How can I not feel anxious or panicked? I had to keep saying, why are we trying to not feel your feelings? What we want to do is practice having that feeling. We’re going to prioritize tolerating discomfort, but still going on along with our life, that the word ‘while’ is so important for anxiety recovery. Let me share how that looks.

You’re going to have your discomfort. You’re going to have your feeling WHILE you do the things that matter to you. You’re going to have uncertainty WHILE you go to work. You’re going to have anxiety WHILE you go on your day. You’re going to have sadness WHILE you wash the dishes. You’re going to have guilt WHILE you spend time with your partner. We could keep going on. It’s ‘while.’ It’s not saying, “I’m only going to do this thing when I figure out how to get rid of this uncomfortable feeling,” and it’s not, “I’m going to do this thing, but I’m going to judge myself for having this feeling.” 

Feelings are normal. They’re not a catastrophe. They’re not dangerous. They don’t mean anything bad about you. Sometimes we have weird feelings for reasons we still do not know why. Let’s not judge them. Let’s not judge feelings as a good thing or a bad thing, or I should have them or I shouldn’t, or it’s weak that I have them, or it’s weird that I have them. No, just let it be a whole messy mess and practice having uncomfortable feelings WHILE being very clear. Again, self-disciplined about saying, I said I was going to record this podcast, and I’m not going to let a feeling stop me just because I’m tired. I’m not going to let that stop me from doing my anxiety homework or this podcast or some other work or things I promised myself I would do. I’m not going to keep letting a feeling or a thought hijack my calendar. 

This is so important. Sometimes we take too much energy on our emotions and we go, “Oh, I feel uncomfortable, so I don’t want to do it. It might be hard.” I get it. I’m not saying we need to be hard on you. Remember, self-kindness is so important, but sometimes we need to go, “Listen, I told myself I was going to do this thing. It matters to me. I highly value it. It’s in line with what I believe, my ethics, and who I want to be. I’m not going to let a feeling get in the way of doing that. Feelings aren’t that important.” 

It’s really, again, marrying a lot of these skills together. Self-discipline with being able to tolerate discomfort. Kindness while also not letting yourself go down the rabbit hole of BS anxiety thoughts. Understanding your condition but not beating yourself up for the condition that you have because it’s not your fault. 

Re-evaluate how you view yourself- ability to do hard things

We have to also remember that anxiety recovery is up and down. It’s up and down and around, and it doesn’t look straight, and it’s going to take you for a detour this way sometimes. Sometimes there’s going to be things that get in the way, like your sleep and your hormones, illnesses, and family conflicts. This is all just life. A lot of the time, anxiety recovery is being willing to just keep doing the hard thing. Keep pulling your shoulders back. Keep holding your head up high. Keep saying, “It’s okay if I fail. I’m just going to keep at this. I believe that I will get there if I keep going.” You’ve got to keep your head in the game. You’ve got to keep being willing to do the hard thing over and over. 

One of the most common conversations I have with my patients and clients is they’re going along the week, they’re using their skills, and they’re doing really great. And then by like day four or five, or sometimes by hour four or five—no judgment—they say, “I’ve tried this skill. It’s not working. The discomfort’s still here. I give up. I’ve got to find another way. It’s got to be something else.” I’ll often say to them, “You were doing so well. You just wanted a payoff earlier than what you’re getting.” Anxiety recovery is not an immediate payoff activity. As you may know, doing exercises and skills and developing practices and strategies and strengthening muscles in your brain, you might be doing them for days, weeks, or months before you see real solid recovery. You’ve got to be patient and willing to keep doing the hard thing, keep your head in the game, and be disciplined and kind enough to stay doing the hard thing. 

You have to search for joy.

The next thing—and this is huge. I want to be careful not to transition from that too quickly because this next one is mind-blowing for me. This one blew my own mind. I will be honest, I have not prioritized this enough with my own clients, and I’m just starting to see why it’s so important, mainly because I had to go through this one myself, which is anxiety recovery must include a commitment to seeking out joy. It must, because anxiety takes the joy out of things. Anxiety is a big party pooper. It really is a buzzkill. Anxiety wants us to be focused on all the bad things that may or may not come true. Sometimes the biggest way to challenge our anxiety is to look for beauty and joy while you have anxiety. 

What does this look like? While you have discomfort of whatever kind you’re having, you notice, where is the beauty? Even though this is uncomfortable and hard, is there beauty in this room? Well, yes, there is beauty in this room. There’s a beautiful plant right there. The sun is shining. The world is spinning. There is a dog right next to me. There are birds chirping. I got a message from my loved one yesterday. I had that lovely exchange with the man at the library last week. There was a lovely man who gave way to me while I was going to drop my kids off for school. He had the right of way, but he was kind enough to let me go because he could probably see I was in a hurry. 

I’m looking and noticing on purpose, where is the joy? Where is the pleasure? Where is the beauty? If we don’t do that, often anxiety recovery might be going well, but you start to feel depressed. This is a great way to manage both anxiety and depression at the same time. You have to search for joy in your life. You have to, on purpose, create it.

I now know to make sure all of my clients have some kind of hobby, preferably four, five, or six of them, that they can do not to avoid their anxiety, but while they have anxiety, they’re still acting from a place of values and pleasure and fun and joy and interest and creativity. This is so important. P.S. Most people who have anxiety are super-duper creative. That’s why this is so, so important. It keeps you connected to the real purpose in your life that you’re here to do. What is it that’s important to you? Make sure you’re doing it. 

You have to seek support.

The last thing I’m going to say is, for anxiety recovery to be long-term, you must get support. That doesn’t mean you have to see an anxiety specialist. Although preferably, if you have the resources for that, absolutely, get one-on-one support. But if not, please do not do this alone. Seek support through Facebook groups, online groups, and local groups in your area. It might be communities such as the International OCD Foundation or the American Depression and Anxiety Association. It might be the BFRB (body-focused repetitive behaviors) community. They’re out there. There’s people who are willing to invite you in. Maybe it’s a local church. Maybe it’s a local community center. Invite you in so you feel less alone in this process. 

This is the beauty of the internet. While the internet can be a very scary place at times, I think that there is some beauty in that it has created a lot of community for people who are struggling with certain mental health conditions. So please do seek support. 

If you’re looking for any more information about your condition or what you’re going through, please head over to CBTShool.com. We have a whole array of very reasonably priced products there for you. Some of them are free. We have now officially released 400 episodes of Your Anxiety Toolkit. 400. Every single one of them is free. You can access them at any time. They’re all going to be talking about the same thing. I don’t talk about random other things except anxiety and depression recovery. That is going to be there as a resource for you. I want you to remember that you deserve support. That support will make it easier, even though it can sometimes be a vulnerable process. 

There you have it. That is everything I know about anxiety recovery in one episode. Happy 400 episodes. Thank you so much for being here. I know how valuable your time is. If you have a moment, please do not hesitate to leave a review. Your reviews mean so much to me. I screenshot them. I show my mom, I show my husband. I get so excited. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

Have a wonderful day, guys, and I cannot wait for another hundred. Talk to you soon.